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So you want to be a phone sex operator…

If you are reading this post, you either followed the fresh, hot link from my Facebook status update or you recently asked me for pointers on how to get started doing phone sex.

Now, perhaps you asked very nicely, asking a friend of a friend to properly introduce us in a formal Facebook message, which, thank you, that was super charming and no, I don’t mind at all. But I can’t answer everyone who inquires, so that’s what this is for.

Or maybe you’re already an acquaintance of mine and you’ve never really understood how doing phone sex worked, you didn’t come to Phone Whore when it was in town, but you totally wanted to, and you just drop me a line on FB, how did I get started, and actually, that’s an okay approach, too. But I still can’t chat individually with everyone who asks that question, so that is, again, what this post is for.

Or maybe you didn’t ask very nicely at all, maybe you have never even asked me, you just walked up to me after one of my sets at a comedy show, and you didn’t do proper introductions because you and your friends were all properly three sheets to  the wind. With no one on hand to keep you from acts of drunken douchery, well, the outcome seems almost inevitable: “Oh my god, I loved your act! I could totally do phone sex, maybe I should do phone sex, I talk dirty to my boyfriend all the time!” But you weren’t too drunk to ask for my card, and I guess you someone managed to hang onto it, because here you are.

Hi, to all of you. This will actually be pretty easy, because there are really only three things to remember if you want to get started doing phone sex:

1. Do your research. (I don’t mean watch Girl 6.) Read the vast collection of information over on psosupport.com. Read this blog. If you had done your research, you would already know that…

2. Phone sex is not a get-rich-quick profession. You will not make lots of money overnight. You probably won’t make any amount of money overnight. I had to be on call between 14 to 18 hours a day for about five months before I developed a modest array of regulars and started making enough to pay more than half of my bills. The people who do make lots of money at it are usually independents and they work HARD at it, 80 hours a week and more. If you are in an emergency cash-flow situation, this is not the work for you.

3. Just because you can talk dirty with your partner(s), doesn’t mean that you will be able to talk dirty with a total stranger. You have no idea who they are, what their background is around any given issue, and they may ask you—nay, EXPECT YOU—to get excited around something that you find the grossest thing ever. And you will have to do it, or else find a very good explanation to give to your dispatcher about why you didn’t.

Oh, here’s a fourth thing to remember:

4. However you approach your potential informant, DON’T INSULT THEM BY SAYING “I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT.” There are lots of reasons why you probably can’t. It is a tough profession. It actually takes SKILL. And verbal acuity. And empathy. And open-mindedness, in the spur of the moment, that you can’t really fake. Attrition is high in the first three months, because people totally thought they could do it, and totally couldn’t.

I hope this helps. Good luck!