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SMUT STAND REPORT: Sept. 26, 2014 (Houston, TX)

WHEN: 4 hours (8pm-midnight), Sept 26, 2014. WHERE: On Brazos Street near Little Woodrow's (Midtown), Houston, TX. OUTPUT: one hardcore threesome for a basically nice guy, who nonetheless could not stop talking about threesomes in his interview, so I gave him a fucking threesome already.

I had chosen this location after driving through it on Thursday night with Bill, my host. It had been hopping on Thursday, just swarmed with people at 12:30 in the morning, with seven or eight major clubs in a three-block stretch, and I had thought, fuck, if it's this busy on Thursday, imagine what it's like on Friday. These are people coming for a good time. This is the spot.

But I made that decision from the safety and isolation of a car. I let greed make that decision for me, instead of actually getting out and wandering in the crowd and feeling the vibe. Ten minutes of hanging around outside the food truck would have told me what I needed to know: oh, my lovelies, this was the wrong place for me to be last night, absolutely the wrong place.

These were not my people. These were very young adults (average age 22) who were bent on getting laid, and insufficiently literary to appreciate that a gift of erotica can TOTALLY enhance your sex life better than alcohol. It was an almost toxic concentration of drunk or getting-there dude-bros, and the girls who want to get with them. Which, I mean, these folks are there in most neighborhoods that I smut in, but if I've chosen my spot right, the indifference, if not outright hostility are cut with the right blend of other, more interested/excitable/polite demographics.

Last night was PURE toxic party people. Well, almost pure. I won't say that my one custom piece made up for the rest, but it was kind of inevitable and awesome: "Wait. You were on Comedy Central. I saw you a couple of nights ago. Oh my god, I totally have to do this." The gentleman was easily 15 years older than anyone else in the neighborhood, and ended up being a bit racist and fetishizing in his sexuality (banging on about the ethnicities of EVERY GIRL HE TALKED ABOUT), but I will always love him a little bit for being the first person to recognize me out on the street from my "appearance" on @midnight (look for me at about the 14-minute mark).

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