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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “12 crazy sex positions for each zodiac sign”

Also, bathtub sex and coke bottles rarely mix well. Do not recommend.

Also, bathtub sex and coke bottles rarely mix well. Do not recommend.

I did not know, when I first started researching and writing about Terrible Sex Tips, how bad it could get. This is clearly a failure of imagination on my part, or perhaps a basic optimism about human intelligence. Because when you take your standard assortment of bland, bizarre and/or dangerous tips and add a layer of woo, you are venturing into the land of the truly terrible. I am looking forward to discovering articles about sex + crystals/auras/juice detox/Jesus/etc, but in the meantime, I give to you yourtango.com's "12 crazy sex positions for each zodiac sign".

First of all, can we just stop using "crazy" as a synonym for "wild"? It's insensitive, and to be honest, rarely in Terrible Sex Tips have I found anything that warrants that kind of hyperbole. It's not "crazy" or wild, it's just NOT MISSIONARY. Set your benchmark higher, for fuck's sake.

And I know writers aren't generally responsible for headlines, but I would say that this title suggests they will be offering 12 positions for each sign, which would equal a total of 144 positions. I'm grateful for their misuse of the language; I don't think I could sit through a gross of this stuff. Here are a few of the low points:

Aquarius gets something in water, of course, and they're suggesting the "Rub-a-Tub," which basically comes out to reverse cowgirl. In what standard-issue tub is this even possible? Reverse cowgirl can really only work when the person on top has a place around their partner's hips where they can plant their feet or knees. Unless "your man" (do you own him?) is less than six inches wide at the hips, this is just cruising for a bruising. The writer further suggested getting the detachable shower head down and aiming it at your clit. If your partner has testicles, I suggest checking with them before you do that. Your clit and their balls are going to be in the same target area, and a surprise hydraulic pounding might not land well, if you know what I mean.

For Gemini, the author recommends the "Yes, Yes, Yes!" position. I can think of any number of positions that title might apply to, but here we have a real "No, Wait, NO": "Lie face down on the edge of a bed. This would be best on a low bed so you can rest your hands on the floor. Your man can then can get on top of you and enter you from behind. Get ready for a very exciting head rush!" Um, so, I guess hanging your head down off the edge of the bed is supposed to give you that rush? Hopefully before you lose air and forget to keep pushing against the floor and your man's thrusting ends up pushing you right off the fucking bed, because you're probably riding a satin coverlet that you bought based on advice from some "feng shui your love nest" article.

Scorpio, being "up for experimenting", gets the "V for Vixen", which involves lying back on something dick-height, getting your legs up on his shoulders, REACHING UP TO WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND HIS NECK, and then … yeah, we can stop at that little accessibility checkpoint and say NOPE.

So what's the difference between experimental and playful? The only difference I can tell from this article is how willing you are to sit on him. For supposedly playful Capricorns, the "Twirl-A-Girl" is recommended; this is a 90-degree cowgirl leaning back on your arms. After you get that sorted—good luck!—you need to "start finding your groove," which I took to mean "start squidging around sideways until you find something that doesn't feel like it's going to wear an actual groove in the side wall of your vagina."

There are a few other items in this "crazy" zodiac-sex shit-show, but the true low-light, the one that tells you how terrible this article is that it can't even sustain twelve signs' worth of silly and/or impossible positions, is the position for Taurus. They are "dependable and generous," apparently, which means they get given the missionary position. THE MISSIONARY POSITION. "No it's not kinky, but it gets the job done. Lie back while your man does his thing!"

Why is this even getting an exclamation point? This is sex advice from the 1860s, and they didn't have exclamation points back then. Whatever. I'm just glad I have them now, because HOLY SHIT THESE SEX TIPS ARE TERRIBLE!!!!!!!

REAL SEX TIP: Give any sex position involving your bathtub a dry run first.

*****

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