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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “19 Playful And Super Sexy Texts To Keep Things HOT (You’re Welcome)”

"Well, I didn't think he'd say YES!"

"Well, I didn't think he'd say YES!"

I haven't been on the Terrible Sex Tip beat for long, but I think I'm starting to pick up some of the signs that something truly terrible is imminent:

  • numbered lists of anything, especially past double digits. You know those tips/positions are going to be niche to the point of trivial.
  • any title that offers you a numbered list and then includes "(you're welcome)". That's assuming A LOT.
  • calling the object of the reader's affections "your man". It's territorial and possessive and unnecessarily narrows the audience. Why not just "your lover"? OH, right, because...
  • coyness. Another frequent component of Terrible Sex Tips.

So, this week's Terrible Sex Tips get the whole fucking quadfecta, as the author shares 19 sexy texts "and the best way to use them". Yes. Not only does this piece hand over a bunch of (badly written) mini-scripts—which in my considered opinion runs entirely contrary to the principle of authentic sexuality—but it suggests that the reader is ignorant of the romantic undercurrents and nuances in her own life. Which… well, fair enough, sometimes. But this is not subtle. This is SEXTING. The author himself says, "Sexy text messages are very self-explanatory. In fact, you could probably think of three different sexy texts to send your man right now without much effort."

Yes. Yes, I could. I could think of thirty different sexts in the amount of time it took him to write and proofread the first two paragraphs of his article. I could think of thirty MORE sexts during the next bit, where he explains the Two Really Important Things that you need to know about Sexy Texts:

1) They should not be an everyday thing. "Send them once or twice a week, at different times," he says, to keep him on his toes. Ah. The keep-him-guessing approach. Keep him off-balance. Because without the element of surprise, your supernova-hot little note about how your cunt is still twitching from last night's fuck-fest, it'll just land flat. Gurgh. This is along the same lines of don't call your first date until two days after that date. Yes! MORE COYNESS AND GAME-PLAYING AND HOLDING BACK, that's what we need in our sex lives. We also need to…

2) Mix It Up — Be Naughty AND Nice. You don't to just let it all hang out, even if you really are, at heart, a truly foul-mouthed little slut. Your Man will get tired of that and probably seek out the nice girl next door to get married to, because we need to embody the madonna/whore dichotomy in our sex lives. Sure, you can tell him what you want to do to that fine ass when he gets home! But make sure to balance it with something sweet about how his pillow smelled this morning, otherwise that's just a little too much....

What's that? His pillow smelled like your girl-jizz because he couldn't catch it all in his mouth while you were sitting on his face last night? Oh, heavens, you definitely shouldn't tell him that.

So, what should you tell Your Man? Oh, let's take a look:

"Would you be mad if I made out with a girl?" I'll just leave that there, flopping and gasping in the middle of the floor, where hopefully it will finally die. Why are all straight men supposed to be into that? What if he asked you for it?

"If you could only have regular, anal or oral sex for the rest of your life, what would you choose?" Don't ask, unless you really want to know.

"If you can guess what color my panties are, then I'll give you a blow job when you get home." I hate bartering for sexual favors.

HAH! Pro level: Guess what! I totally ran out of panties. They're all in the washer. Come home soon.

The real issue here is that sexts are totally contextual and relationship-dependent. What works for one couple would be utterly bizarre—not Wild, just bizarre to say—for another couple. I would never tell a lover that, for example, I'll be wearing a short skirt when we meet; that's just default. And anytime someone trots out scripts, even the one-liners, you know it's going to get cheesy.

I'm more a verbal type, but my best advice for sexting? Say what you're feeling, when you're feeling it. Unless it's 2am, in which case, wait until morning.

*****

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