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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “4 Must-Try Sex Positions from Real Women”

Yeah, baby, I invented candles while fucking, too. Hot, huh?

Yeah, baby, I invented candles while fucking, too. Hot, huh?

Maybe I'm just cranky from being on tour, or perhaps I am missing a proper good roistering ("she just needs to get laid" is occasionally true), but sexually speaking, I've been inside my head a little too much lately. The last couple of Terrible Sex Tips have been more philosophical treatises, mostly objecting to attitudes, and not as much about actual techniques or positions.

Not today, kids. It's time to get back to basics. In this round of Terrible Sex Tips, Marie Claire brings us four "must-try" positions that you either don't need to try or you probably already are. Also, maybe everyone else already knows this, but I DON'T THINK THESE ARE REAL WOMEN. I think some of these writers aren't bothering to talk to anyone at all. These are, like, imaginary sex friends, and they're all sitting in the writer's head, having this sort of giggly-yet-authentic, Sex in the City banter, hanging out and drinking imaginary wine all day and feeding the writer all kinds of "REAL-LIFE" true sexcapades, which are actually drawn from an alternate universe that is totally based on physically impossible erotica and romance-novel covers.

Click here for the link to the original article, and away we go!

"Maya" talks about "The Claw", in which her boyfriend lifts her up while standing (facing each other), sets her down on his cock, and lifts her up and down from there. And she… wait a minute. The average American woman is a size 14. On what half-gravity planet does "Maya" live? She says she likes the feeling of her partner having complete control in this one—which, I'm sorry, but you can get that feeling in any number of other ways—and admits that it is a "physically demanding position for him." Yeah, that does seem like a rather high benchmark for one's lovers: can they thrust me up and down while standing, using just their upper body strength?

The add-on for this (e.g. "Fun Prop") just ups the ante: slick up with baby oil! Yes! Give your lover even less to hold onto! He'll have to hold you up solely with the sheer force of their dominant-male stone-pillar cock.

"Majesta" and her boyfriend get funky with the flat-on-back-legs-up position, where he's leaning forward on her thighs and really pressing them back. Why is this a must-try? "It allows for deeper penetration than almost any other position—and definitely leads to the most intense orgasms." For you. Fuck. Can these correspondents, or whoever is writing them up, please get some reminders in here that sex DOESN'T WORK THE SAME FOR EVERYBODY? Sweeping assertions about what Will Definitely Pop Your Cork, don't actually help anyone. Also, no one wants to hear your cute made-up name. "The Scream Machine?" No.

"Akynos", a sex columnist and model because of course, says that missionary is the must-try. You're a sex columnist, Akynos, surely you're aware that everyone has already tried missionary? Fair point on the eye contact, but honestly, you can get that with cowgirl and Majesta's "Scream Machine" (mentioned above). Although I think you may need to make a choice between close, face-to-face eye contact and screaming. Not both at the same time. Not recommended.

To jazz up missionary, we are told to take it outside, which Akynos supports with an anecdote from her torrid teens, when she and a guy from the block hooked up on a rooftop, and word got around to her mom, and dude, she got SO busted. But not enough to keep her from enjoying outdoor missionary position still, SO SEXY.

The final must-try position—wait for it, I mean, I know you're probably just RARING to get into the bedroom after all of this non-stop wild and previously unheard-of sex stuff—is basically doggy-style on the floor, with her leaning over a couch or bed. "Afinity" gives her partner, "Allen", credit for coming up with the position… Ummm. So, what is the opposite of pussy-whipped? Dick-drunk? That is TOTALLY what is happening here. I'm glad you like that deep-dick treatment, Afinity, but your man did not invent doggy, in any permutation!

Also, I'm more than a little sad about why she says this position is so hot: "It makes me feel like the sexiest woman on earth, because it pushes my chest out and pulls my stomach in so my body looks fantastic." Unless there's a mirror going on in there, which she doesn't mention, then this is just the sexualisation of bullshit beauty standards, and that is fucking toxic. Your lover is already up to his balls inside you! Why are you worried about how you look? You are obviously hot enough for him! GAH.

The rest of this article contains just random ways to fuck up spice up "classics", some of which could involve repetitive stress injuries pretty quickly. I mean, "lower yourself onto his penis and sit with your knees bent, facing him, with your feet flat on the floor"… AFTER you stretch your calf muscles! Other items feel more like sex pilates.

In short, "must-try" sex-tip articles that re-hash basic repertoire items are Terrible because, in their effort to change things up, they offer things that feel like core exercises or partnered gymnastics—with baby oil!–in other words, strain and injury become increasingly possible outcomes. Also, the informants invariably sound like they are 15, easily wowed by a bit of bubbly and some dude lighting lemon-scented candles and saying, "Hey, baby, wanna get freaky? Let's try this FROM BEHIND."

*****

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