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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “6 Calorie-Burning Sex Positions That Count as Exercise”

Find the six potentially injurious things happening in this picture!

Find the six potentially injurious things happening in this picture!

You know that thing, when you're eating all celery and hummus because the hummus is so garlicky and lemony and rich and the celery is perfectly cool and crisp, and you're really enjoying that combination, you can't even be bothered with the bowl of olives and the dolmas, because it is so fucking good? And then someone comes along and says, "Oh, did you know hummus provides 8 grams of protein in every 100-gram serving, it's so healthy, especially if combined with that awesome low-carb pita bread!" And you're like, that is not adding anything to my enjoyment of this hummus, fuck off. That conversation is to hummus what this article is to sex.

There is something soul-crushingly wrong in the article that inspired this newest edition of Terrible Sex Tips. The author presents burning calories and having great sex as two goals of equal weight, each one as just priorities that one has to juggle. No. These are two separate things, and you shouldn't be thinking about one in terms of the other, either direction, ever. Multi-tasking is NOT the name of the game when it comes to sex.

On top of the philosophical disagreement I have with the general approach, I have quibbles with the exercise science behind it. When you dig into these, they don't look so much like aerobic exercise, they're more like yoga or Pilates, pushing on the core and holding plank for 30 seconds and… DON'T YOU SEE THAT THIS IS NOT RIGHT? In no amazing session of sex should anyone ever be counting seconds holding ANYTHING.

Plank Pose on Top

"Plank pose on top is a wonderful way to enliven the traditional missionary position..."

Right. Here's a thought: if you're bored with missionary, why not try another position? Layering an exercise mindset on top of any activity you already find boring will just end up making it MORE BORING. This description says "allow to enter with just the tip". Seriously, though, if either person in this position is holding a plank, you will ONLY be able to get the tip anywhere near by anything. I mean, at most you'll get a little nudge on the clit. (Boop.)

Bridge Pose

"Place your hands behind you and your legs parallel, stretched out in front of you and rise up on your palms with your legs extended. Your butt should come off the floor. Keep your head in line with your body. Resist the urge to allow your head to drop back. Hold the bridge for 30 seconds. Have him straddle you and penetrate."

See above about penetrating while Pilating (pilatifying?). Even if you can figure out how to bang junk in a satisfying way in this pose, I would still give anyone less than 10 seconds in this one, I don't care how strong your core.

Shoulder Stand

"Another great calorie burner is the shoulder stand," says the author. "Have your partner grab your ankles and pull your legs up over your head. Help him by thrusting your hips and legs upward while using the support of your arms to ground you down with your arms pressing against the floor."

Ah, the famous shoulder stand. I've seen this bugger make an appearance in several different sex-tip collections. To me, it's just adding a notch to your arcane-sex-position bedpost. I fail to see any virtues to it. And that confusing-as-fuck picture that always comes with it! In no universe is this person NOT actually going to wind up fucking the other person's ass. Also, if you are the one with your feet in the air, and your tits are larger than a C-cup, you will be smothered by your own mammary glands. Can we at least get some disclaimers on this shit?

Standing Missionary

"Standing missionary is one of the more difficult positions because usually the woman is lifted by the man. You can cheat it by having your back up against a wall when he lifts you. Wrap your legs around his pelvis and press your back into the wall. Use your core strength to keep you upright. Wrap your arms around him to help support your weight. You can also wrap one leg around him and stand on the other and do the deed. Regardless of the position, you have to have stamina to play while standing."

Um. The whole point of fucking while standing is that it feels all desperate and urgent, and someone's gotta get inside me NOW. This position is like the fuck-me heels of sex positions. You can't do it for long, but that's okay, because you're not meant to. It's just something to get you rocked up about how sleazy and desperate the both of you are, and the hope is, at some point later, you will manage to make it back to a horizontal surface. That's the appeal of this, not doing it to increase your stamina.

The Plow

"To get into the plow position, start off by lying on your stomach on the bed with your hips touching the edge. Then, support yourself by resting on your elbows. Your guy then stands between your legs and stands in between your thighs. This position is great for really deep penetration."

So is doggy. Jeezus. They utterly forgot to mention the part about where the person with the dick is lifting up most of your body weight by your thighs. Once again, this is a work-out for the penetrator. The person being penetrated just needs to hold their pose. No cardio, all core, and hey, watch out for your shoulders and trapezius muscles! Fast jouncing combined with trying to hold back muscles together, this bad boy has dislocations written all over it.

Happy Baby

You might have learned about happy baby during your last yoga class," says the author in a finally explicit reveal of the demographics they are speaking to. "[Happy Baby] also doubles as a calorie crushing sex position."

And then the author follows up with a detailed and complex description of getting into the position. The bit about the sex part of it is covered in a 13-word sentence (which is kind of the sex-to-exercise ratio of the entire article). With this pose, I immediately thought about something I do with one of my lovers, except it's more like a semi-split pose, I'm only pulling on one of my legs wider, and more up to my chin, he's lying down on it, bearing down on it, sweating like a motherfucker, growling at me, while I push my hips up at him and try to take him more inside, and…

... my point is, I KNOW when sex is cardiovascular, because I'm sweating and breathing hard, but it doesn't fucking matter! Why, goddamnit, WHY? I have a pretty decent imagination for picturing these poses that they're suggesting here, and I'm not seeing it. I'm not seeing any passion or excitement. At best, this is dutiful, multi-tasking sex, which makes me sad. At worst, this is a visit to the emergency room and lots of icey hot muscle balm, which also makes me sad.

Enjoy your sex, don't aerobicize it. That's a terrible idea.

*****

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