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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “10 Things Men Want Women To Do MORE Of In Bed”

I know I asked you to talk dirty, but THAT was a little too far...

I know I asked you to talk dirty, but THAT was a little too far...

The titles for these Terrible Sex Tip articles are never right. This one should read: 10 Things These 10 Particular Men Would Like Women to Do More of in Bed. Maybe a lot of guys would agree, but we don't have the data on that, so smart readers should assume that it's just these guys. And assuming that they are in fact real guys—a doubt that I've had for years about these sex-tip articles—it's still just 10 of them.

So I would never take these terrible sex tips for gospel about how to do sex better with men, because statistically speaking, any 10 men are, like, a drop in the jizz bucket of the fuckable adult men on the planet. And in the interest of being fair, I would not assume that all guys are like these guys, wanting porn-star action in their sex lives.

Now, back in the days when I did not want to have contact with dick of any kind and actually had a fairly cartoonish understanding of the male libido, I might have thought that this particular article was representative, because men are pigs. Nowadays I know better—men are extremely diverse in their sexualities and desires—but not everyone knows this. That's why I wanted to DIG INTO THIS FUCKING ARTICLE AND TEAR IT APART WITH SOMETHING SERRATED AND MOTORIZED.

1. Stroking His Ego
"It's not just our dick that we want stroked—it's our egos too. I love it when girls play me up to make me sound like I’m Mr. Incredible. It's a nice feeling...sometimes even more satisfying than the sex itself." -Jason, 25

Yes, you want to give your partner well-earned praise, but the key here is "well-earned." If Jason here is getting the full compliment dump just for putting a finger on his lover's clit, that's over-rewarding for basic navigational awareness that should be mandatory before someone even gets into bed. Inflated grade syndrome, in the bedroom. I can't approve.

2. Giving Him A Good View
"Guys are visual, we like looking at you while we're doing it, and we like not having to ask you to get into the positions that show off your body best—like reverse cowgirl." -Dan, 33

a.k.a. "We want you to look porny, but we want you to READ OUR GODDAMN MINDS to figure out what kind of porn we're into." Reverse cowgirl, frankly, doesn't do a damn thing for me, but hey, as long as it looks good to him!

3. Surprising Him
"One time, this girl I had been dating for a month or so pulled me into a stairwell at the club we were at, and had sex with me right there. I'm not saying you should always do things that could get you arrested…." -Christian, 28

Don't always do things that could get you arrested, but sometimes it's worth it, just to prove that you're good, game, and giving, and have a decent sexual imagination.

4. Showing Him How To Get You Off
"I want the girl I'm doing it with to get off as much as I want to. The last girl I slept with actually took my hand and started getting herself off with it, which was so hot to watch, and taught me what she likes at the same time." -Patrick, 34

Okay, so we're supposed to intuit exactly what the guy wants to look at during sex, but our partner actually needs someone to GUIDE HIS FUCKING HAND while he rubs me up?

5. Talking Dirty
"We're not looking for a play by play, but phrases like 'harder' or pretty much any curse word that comes out of your mouth in regards to how good what I'm doing to you feels is a huge turn-on." -Mike, 21

As a phone-sex operator and a big fan of dirty talk in my personal life, I do wish that more people felt comfortably slinging around the trash. But this just sounds like "Don't talk too much, but do talk some, especially when you're stroking my ego" (see point 1). …

6. Making Some Noise
"Noises and talking are great. Believe it or not, men have even more insecurities in bed than women, so we like the audible reassurance that you like what we are doing." -Joe, 27

Again with the make-like-a-porn-star tips. And I don't believe men have more insecurities about sex than women. They just have different ones.

7. Turning On The Lights
"The last girl I dated always wanted to do it with the lights on, even if we were doing it in the middle of the night. The fact that she always wanted me to see every inch of her while we were going at it, no matter what the circumstances, was really hot." -Joe, 25

I can't help feeling that these guys are just completely ignorant about the society that women have grown up in, and about the messages about our bodies that we have absorbed. Like yes, lights on. Body confidence is sexy. But it's REALLY difficult for most people to fake that.

8. Taking Control
"An older woman I had been dating actually pinned me down, told me not to move, got on top of me and gave it to me for a solid 10 minutes. Taking the reins like that every once in a while totally does it for me." -Jeff, 24

Not all the time. Every once in a while. You don't want to take what you want all the time, because that would be pushy and demanding, that would be a step too far. But once in a while, you know, when I'm feeling too tired to do anything myself…

9. Making Eye Contact
"When a girl looks directly at me right as I'm putting it in her, it's a huge turn-on. Something about watching her expression change as it goes in is really appealing to me.'"-James, 29

When she's sitting on your dick, facing away from you, some eye contact… yeah, don't try to do all of these at once, because that would just land you in one of those sexualized superheroine, physically impossible, show-me-your-ass-and-titties poses.

10. Showing Up
"All you have to do is show up. Yes, sad but true, most men are just trying to get a woman in their bed, so once that is accomplished, she has done her job. Don't get me wrong, I have had a few 'dead fish' or arrhythmic women in my time, but other than that, the rest is easy. Have some enthusiasm about what you are doing, and the rest is a bonus." -Darren

I don't understand this one. Don't worry, make noise, don't die in the bed, and that's enough for men? GUYS, YOU SHOULD BE OFFENDED BY STUFF LIKE THIS GOING OUT, CLAIMING TO REPRESENT YOU.

But you know what makes this article particularly terrible? Its complete lack of context and consideration for the fact that our society has a long way to go before women will stop being slut-shamed for this kind of behavior, before it stops being a risky move for women to take the lead, to show she wants it. These tips encourage women to just Go For It, be a freak, and ignore the fact that, yeah, there's a mighty fine line—and it shifts all the time—between asking for what you want and just asking for it.

*****

There is a seemingly endless supply of these Terrible Sex Tips. Patronize me over at Patreon, and I will keep fighting the good fight!

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