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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “5 Tips for Making Sex Last Longer”

via GIPHY

 

In this edition of Terrible Sex Tips, I'm not presenting you with any problematic sex-position illustrations.

Awwww.

I know, you wanted them. Everyone wants them. Don't worry, just google "sex position images" and you will have all the awful illustrations that you could ever want to make a cut-out collage critique with. But illustrations are so 2011, y'all. For today's TST, I want to direct your attention to the future of sex-tip visuals:

GIFs.

Fucking. GIFs.

Irrelevant ones, too, which are one of the Internet's four food groups (the other four being porn, diet scams, and cats). For sex tips, ones that purport to be legit, ones with which publications are honestly hoping to improve people's lives, I feel like well-chosen GIFs could actually be instructional, but perhaps that's too porn-y. Is that too porny, editors? THEN LEAVE THE GIFS OUT AND STICK WITH PICTURES. Irrelevant GIFs just clog up the bandwidth and make the page ugly as sin. (At least learn coding for proper embedding, all right? Unlike me.)

And if you have GIFs, you don't need to write much, either, which is one of the main problems with this bit of fluff, called Five Tips to Make Sex Last Longer. When I told my main squeeze about the article, he joked, "I'll make it last a long time when reading it." And then we got into a chat-box volley:

- read it until the break of dawn

re-read it multiple times

- get some pizza in between reads

I'll read it in multiple positions.

if you don't do any of those things, this article is over in WAY less than six minutes, which is supposedly the average duration of hetero "sex",  AND you haven't learned one damn thing from any of the five "tips":

1. Stay In The Moment
"If you're both obsessed with the end goal, you're going to psych yourselves out."

Yes, fair enough. But staying in the moment… that is not a practical tip. That is a motivational poster. That is too woo for me. That is too woo for most people. We need real practical advice on this. Count to 10 every time you move your lips to a new position? Stop fucking to orgasm for six months? Tantra… is this tantric stuff that we're talking about? Provide a link to an article about practical applications of meditation principles to sexual intercourse, or SHUT UP WITH YOUR WOO.

2. Extend Your Foreplay
"The sooner you get to actual penetration, the sooner you're going to finish, so just remember to take. it. slow. It may be torturous to resist the main event, but that's part of the fun, right?"

The main event… oh, the penetration. Actual penetration, that's the thing. That's the sex, is it? This may be your problem, right here. If you are starting the timer when that dick gets in, then 1) what about the couples who don't have a single dick between them? Is that not sex? 2) who presses the timer button when they're getting ready to get balls-deep into someone else, and 3) what is all the rest of of that stuff that you hopefully have been doing before? Oh, foreplay, right. No, that's not real sex, it's not even part of it at all. That's, like, the Friend Zone of sex. That is the stuff you do in the hopes of getting the actual P-I-V prize at the fucking end.

3. Keep Active
"The more stamina you have, the longer you can keep it going. Conditioning isn't just for outdoor activities."

Although I am not a fan of the specific, when it comes to exercise regimens—mostly talk about exercise just bores me—here, I'd like to point out that there are multiple kinds of fitness that come into play for sex: cardiac health for stamina, yes, but also core strength for pounding thrusts or bracing yourself against said thrusts. The thighs need to be strong to keep going on cowgirl, either direction, and what about flexibility? If you don't have that, there are a number of positions that are harder to sustain.

4. Try The BlewIt
"This new toy was designed specifically for men to practice prolonging their pleasure and replicates the feel and force of your vaginal walls."

Oh fuck off, you stupid writer. Just fuck off right down the street, and don't drop any of your fucks on the way, because I don't want 'em. The link takes you to a landing page, where you have to enter your email address to read up about this. NOPE. If I wanted to get email from a company producing some kind of high-tech Fleshlight knock-off, I would… I would never want to to get email from a company producing some kind of high-tech Fleshlight knock-off. We all know that writers use press releases, but this is just lazy. You BlewIt here, hahahahah!  But what if the product is amazing? I'll wait and see if OhJoySexToys tackle it. They're good writers over there. They make good work about specific products, without making it feel like fucking product placement.

5. Count The Length Of Your Session From The Moment You Start To Undress
"It might sound like tricky accounting, but you'll totally gain confidence from knowing that the time between the second you reach down to unzip his pants to the moment you fall back onto the bed/couch/floor in sweaty satisfaction is far longer than a measly six minutes."

Yes, but…why even use undressing as the starting point? All those dry-humping sessions on the couch as teenagers? That shit was sex like WHOA. Recently I've been able to have sex over Skype with my lover, and came without undressing or even touching myself. Still sex!

Read primary-source, thoughtful material from actual sex educators. Get checked out by a doctor, in case you have a physiological issue. Go out and get sexy as often as, in whatever ways that, and until you and your partners are both/all satisfied.

And turn off the fucking timer, while you're at it.

*******

I will not stop the snark until these terrible sex tips stop. That could be a while. Help me tilt at the windmills, by becoming a patron of mine over on Patreon.

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