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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: 17 Sexy Phrases GUARANTEED To Get Him All Hot And Bothered

I love how your cock feels in....uh... hang on, I lost my line...

I love how your cock feels in....uh... hang on, I lost my line...

Disclosure: I have recently begun teaching Intimacy Improv, a workshop to get people feeling more comfortable with dirty talk and role play. The guy who wrote this week's really terrible tips on dirty talk, this is the largest part of what his online tutorials are about.

But I don't think of him as a competitor. First of all, he's way more famous than I am already. He's got his videos and his approach, and there are apparently enough people in the world to believe that dirty talk is all about the objectively right words, delivered in the right way, that he will have enthusiastic takers for his wares until the end of time. What do those eager students get? Weak-sauce, gender-stereotype suggestions like this:

"Having a large repertoire of dirty phrases that you can use on your man is important if you want to keep things exciting in the bedroom (and outside the bedroom) as well as keeping him faithful."

Sir, could you not just have left this with "keeping things exciting"? Because the closing three words in that sentence—"keeping him faithful"—deliver an ominous subtext: Be dirty so he doesn't get bored. It will be your fault if he cheats on you, your fault for not being enough of a pervert. Gah. And describing dirty talk as something that you "use on your man" makes it sound like a tool for manipulating someone, not a toy with which to engage your partner in verbal play.

"There is just no point in learning the words if you don't know how to use them properly," says the author. Properly. Ah. This is gonna be good.

How You Talk Dirty
"When talking dirty to your man, you are going to find that you have a lot more success at turning your man on and building sexual tension if you do it confidently. So the next time you talk dirty to your man, make sure to speak slowly and clearly in a way that accentuates the meaning of the actual words."

Slow and clear. That's the way I deliver fem-domme stuff on the phone, that's definitely how you play confident. But that's not necessarily the way I would ever utter stuff in person, and when someone is talking to dirty to me, I want them to talk the way that they're feeling. I want to struggle to hear their whisper. I want their voice low and growly, or trembling and falling away because it is so damn good. As for myself, maybe (probably!) I want to play the little girl. Maybe I am teasing more than telling. Maybe well-modulated is a shitty substitute for how you really feel.

"The last thing you want to do is stutter the words or say them incredibly fast or in a weird tone. My advice is to practice these dirty talking phrases a few times to yourself before you actually use them on your man."

Pro tip: For most people who aren't actors, rehearsing phrases just ends up making them sound rehearsed.

"So now that I have talked a little bit about using dirty talk in a way that is most effective, it's time to learn some dirty talking phrases!"

Hear that? Get your notebook out and write these down. Study them on the bus. Post them near your mirror. Record the lines into a recorder, and listen to them until you fall asleep at night. Maybe make some flashcards? You're learning a whole new language, sweetheart.

Dirty phrases to turn him on in bed:
•    You feel so good on top of me.
  (or underneath me)
•    Just hearing you breathe in my ear sends shivers down my spine.
   (TOO LOUD, TOO LOUD, GODDAMN, move your mouth away from my ear.)
•    I love just touching your body. It feels incredible.
   (It feels edible. NOMNOMNOM)
•    I wish we could just stay in bed forever.
   (Wasting away, trapped by our lust...)
•    Just like that!
(No, not that, the thing you did five seconds ago. No, the thing with the vibrations... sigh. No. Just keep going.)

•    Faster!
   (Why is slower not on this list?)
•    I love being your little minx in the bedroom.
(No one uses the word "minx" anymore except burlesquers and sex advice columnists. Update with "bitch", it means the same thing. What, is that TOO bold?)
•    I want to taste you.
   (So edible...)
•    Keep doing that.
•    You're going to put me over the edge.
   (Sorry, all I hear is the line from Shrek: "I'M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!")
•    You're making me too turned on.
(Too turned on, what does that even mean? Too turned on for what? Too turned on to drive a car? Too turned on to accurately calculate the value of pi to 100 places? Finish the goddamn sentence to be both sexier and more vivid. Bonus for non sequitors.)

Dirty talking phrases to build sexual tension:
"When you're not in bed, you can use dirty talk much more subtly and discreetly to build sexual tension and also keep your man thinking about you (for hours and hours) rather than just instantly turning him on like with you would using the previous dirty talk phrases."

It's as easy as flipping on a light switch, apparently! (I will leave the dim-bulb comparison as a side note.)

•    I can't wait until we're alone, I've got a special surprise for you!
   (I got a tattoo!)
•    Seeing you in those jeans is making me want to jump you.
•    If we weren't out in public, I would be doing some very naughty things to you right now!
  (Naughty. You are not eight. Unless that's your game, in which case, go for it.)
•    I wish we could just leave this party/movie theatre/concert and go somewhere private. I am just too horny!
   (You can leave! Fuck social expectations! Find a broom closet!)
•    Don't look at me like that, you know it turns me on.
   (It's the googly-eye glasses, god, so fucking hot.)   
•    You know I wore this skirt/these jeans just for you.
   (Just kidding, it's laundry day.)

<head in hands>

This is exactly the stuff that I hate about the public perceptions of what "dirty talk" is, the very reason I stopped TEACHING workshops for a few years. I got tired of dealing with people's misguided expectations; they wanted to learn a formula or phrasebook for dirty talk, something that worked on everyone. I didn't know exactly what to offer instead, but I knew that wasn't right. Phone-sex operators, who are working with quantities of dirty-talk partners daily, even we don't have scripts for dirty talk, because that would be ridiculous. Men are people, and people are individuals.

So no, I don't see the author as a competitor. More like a philosophical arch-nemesis.

*****

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