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Occasionally people ask me for advice…

How much effort do you really want to put into getting that mask off his face?

How much effort do you really want to put into getting that mask off his face?

And I'm like, sure, hit me up, I'm not a psychologist, but I sure have opinions. So here's the note, and a clarifying exchange that the letter-writer and I had, and then my answer at the bottom.

*****

So, (this guy and I) had met only through a dating app, but we'd had pretty in depth text conversations about our various (shared) kinks. I identify as a switch with a preference towards being the dominant, and he'd always wanted to be dominated. So we discussed both sides of the spectrum, how I like to dominate, how he had always fantasized about being dominated.

I explained that I only like to dominated by a sexual partner that I know well, and trust, for fairly obvious reasons. But that generally rough sex, slapping, mild verbal degradation etc, are normal and enjoyable for me. He mostly expressed an interest in being dominated by me, it turns out that he has a big foot fetish which he's interested in exploring. It's also important to note that I very explicitly told him that I am not looking specifically for a bdsm-based relationship as I'm quite burnt out after the last one, and that whilst the sub/dom thing would be something we could explore as time went on, I would expect our sex to be pretty vanilla for the first little while.

We met for the first time last night, and both a little drunk ended up fucking back at mine. He immediately asserted himself as the dominant one, which I wasn't hugely enthused with, but it'd been a while since I'd gotten laid, and thought, sure, I can get roll with this. However, as it went on it become too rough, strong choking ( I have bruises today, which isn't always a bad thing, but these were not expected, a crucial point) also, jamming his fingers down my throat, and strong slapping... All whilst telling me to come (because of course that's how an orgasm works) and completely ignoring my body language that he should ease up.

I realise in the cold hard light of day that I should've just stopped it, instead I faked it, he came, I made an excuse and sent him packing.

Now the date itself was fine, I don't think he's a bad guy, just bad at reading signals and understanding limits and how you define instead of doing what you want. I want to give the guy some feedback so that he doesn't go on to do this with someone else.

I hope that's enough for you to be going on with, I feel it's actually a bit of an essay. And of course, no rush to let me know what you think, thanks again for your help!

so, you are not interested in seeing him again, though?

I'm not sure... Like I said, everything else about the guy is fine, the sex was just very disappointing.

My answer partly depends on what you are hoping for as outcome. Also... "disappointing" is a very different thing from "boundary-breakindg"

That's fair. I think I felt so disappointed because he broke boundaries that I felt I had fairly clearly outlined for him, does that make sense? I think I would like to see him again, and see if we can fuck in a more... I don't know how to put it... Consensual and I guess maybe controlled is almost the right word? Way, or if we are just not compatible. But I think either way, I want to let him know that ignoring my explicit instructions, and my implicit body language was wrong.

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First of all, props for having those boundary-setting, kink-exploring conversations before meeting up . Those can be awkward, as well as fun/hot, but they're really important, especially if BDSM/fetish sex of any sort is on the table for either of you.

Unfortunately, those conversations only work if people enter them in good faith and treat them as actual negotiation, not just dirty talk and fantasy, ungrounded in actual needs for actual potential future fucking. Some people may think that hey, if their partner is down for one kind of kinky fucking they'll be down for the rest of it, but that's an obvious fallacy and so full of entitlement that I'm not even sure how to engage with it. And some people … don't care. This guy could fall in this category, too, and also not be open to change around that. Some people really don't care. They got theirs.

Your date almost certainly knows that ignoring your boundaries and requests and preferences was wrong. You totally used your words well. I am not sure that he was holding those conversations with you in good faith, owing to the fact that subsequent fucking didn't unroll as discussed. This mess is definitely in his court, and holy fuck do I want to kick him hard in a delicate place. If he is not now writhing internally as he thinks about what he did, then he is actually a shithead.

I appreciate your desire to set the matters straight with this guy, but you really need to think hard about where you want this to go, and why. I have to assume that you are feeling a good strong pull in the non-sex part of the chemistry, otherwise you wouldn't still be thinking about this. If you're not feeling the potential, you just want to take a stand, that's fine, too. On behalf of the rest of the women that this guy might go after, thank you for wanting to educate him, but it's not your job and he may be irredeemable.

(Also, we need to bear in mind your safety. He knows where you live. If he is still making advances, you are the only one who can judge how safe it will be to reject those advances.)

If you sit with this for a little and decide that, yes, you want to ask him for a rematch, meet up in a coffee shop first. (No drinking on this particular date, so you can be fully present.) There you can say something like, "We didn't have a chance to debrief after our date last time, and I wanted to do that now. I'd like to see you again, and I'd like to try fucking again, but the last time was totally not what I expected, based on our conversations, and I didn't like it." Then you lay out the things that happened that you didn't like, and go ahead and ask him the hard questions: why did you do that when I said I didn't want it? Did you notice that I wasn't being enthusiastic? Why did you keep going? How exactly is what you did to me, without my request, being submissive on your part?

See, I'm not sure I would put effort into a conversation like that, on the strength of one date, but if you really think something is there and you want to see if educating him will help, then you are going to have to have that awkward conversation, in the cold light of a coffee shop pastry case. Watch and listen to his answers very carefully, and keep your eyes and ears open for anything that triggers the eject button. Like, does he get defensive, or angry? Does he turn it around on you ("why didn't you say anything")? Keep your pass to Nopeville handy at all times.

If, on the other hand, you're not planning to see him again, you can take this conversation to email or the social media platform that you met him on. And it's not a conversation, it's just an announcement: "I had a nice time, and then we had sex and you ignored everything we had negotiated beforehand. If you are interested in more than first dates with women, and sex that violates consent in a dozen ways, you may want to reconsider that strategy."

In both of these cases, face-to-face conversation and text-based, I encourage lots of "I statements": when you did X, I felt Y and that sucked. Then for the face-to-face, if you get good engagement on that first bit, you can ask, "How do we move forward to keep that from happening again?" But if you just want to give him that message, send it to him as a ritual, something you're doing for yourself, not to change him.

Good luck, and keep me posted!

*********

What would you do, if you were the letter writer? I mean, what the ever-loving fuck, right? Throw your thoughts into the comments!

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