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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: 13 Things To Put On Your Ultimate Sex Bucket List

Seize the day, and watch out for the needles...

Seize the day, and watch out for the needles...

I can kinda get behind the idea of a sex “bucket list,” except what normally goes in these things in the media is one of two things: stuff that is so basic that you should nailing that shit most of the time anyway OR activities that are slightly-to-way more advanced than should be casually blurbed in a publicly available bucket list. They're trying TOO DAMN HARD. And frankly, if I see one more “sex with food” item that doesn’t explicitly point out the hazards of chocolate-near-cunt fornication, I will personally send to that publication a barrage of yeasty-vadge photos that will short out their server.

The particular article I'm getting twitchy about hits all the standard weak points of the breed, with the added benefit of frequent disclaimer language of “I hear that…” or “from what I hear…” This author has maybe tried a quarter of the items on this list, and is relying on her “imaginary-sex-friend” network for information about the rest. The resulting list is cheesy, predictable, and dangerous in spots. For the sake of the intellectual exercise, let’s take the general themes and ramp them up a notch, shall we?

Sex in public. In a port-o-pottie. In line at the post office. Cradled in the amoeba-like arms of the most visible public sculpture in a city where you have no previous convictions.

Threesome. People always imagine this on beds that are bigger than commercially available. Try this on a dorm bunk bed, or the back seat of a two-door Ford Fiesta. Bonus points if the car doesn’t belong to any of you.

Add a toy. Like a Speak and Spell, or the Lego Millenium Falcon. Like the sampler says, everything is a dildo, if you’re brave enough.

Swinging. On one of those double-wide porch swings, or tires hanging from a playground gym of dubious structural integrity and splintery wood chips underneath. If you’re not getting a thrill, you’re not swinging high enough.

G-spot orgasm. Pfft. G, P, U… Make up new lettered spots. Go for the J-spot and tell other people it was amazing. Together we can start a whole new sex trend that will have researchers chasing for years.

Sex marathon. Yawwwwnnn. I’m talking sex triathlon, in frigid waters and then straight onto a bike. You may have to recruit friends in to hand you vitamin drinks every now and then, but that can fold easily into swinging (above).

Sex with food. A rack of lamb is quite lovely, at least until the fat congeals, and for the veg*n option, well, you haven’t lived until you’ve eaten fridge-temperature tofu crumbles off of your lover’s body. Awww yeahhhh.

Try a new position. Something where you need a minimum of 30 minutes warm-up, daily pilates, and two to three years with Cirque du Soleil, at which point you should probably be taking it out of your bedroom and onto pay-per-view.

Sexy photo-shoot. Ask your photographer to smear Vaseline on their camera lens to give your photos a lovely soft-focus look, and then apply a generous layer on yourselves for extra highlights, Don’t forget the tarp. Now that’s sexy.

Master the female orgasm. It’s not enough to experiment with your partner and find it. You want to find it and pound it into submission.

Make a sex tape. But get arty with it. I hear a new dildo harness is coming out with a moisture-proof front pocket for smart phones**. Using a bio dick? Then duct tape is your friend-with-benefits.

Roleplay. Think way outside the box. The more awkward the better. Two five-year-olds. Your parents. Sid and Nancy, complete with obnoxious accents and safety-pinned clothes. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.

Add some kink. Add some more. Think you’ve added enough kink? You haven’t. Keep adding it until the negotiation and set-up and wipe-down takes more time than the actual kinky shit and then you might be heading in the right direction.

** I made that up, but it'll happen.

*****

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