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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Five Christmas Sex Positions for a Really Happy Holiday”

SO MUCH CHEESE...

SO MUCH CHEESE...

No, Cosmo. NO. BAD COSMO. No Christmas-themed sex tips. Santa is not getting you a goddamned thing this year, in retaliation for this tinsel-strewn tripe. The names are as cheesy as a Hickory Farms gift basket, the positions are Ghosts of Terrible Sex Tips Past, and let's be honest: anyone who actually celebrates this particular winter holiday is not gonna have time for any fancy-ass fa-la-la. At best, they'll be double-spiking their own drinks and falling asleep with self-stick bows on their heads. Festive!

The Stocking Stuffer

Give missionary a seasonal twist by lying on the edge of the bed, putting your legs straight up, and having him push them slightly to the side. Have him enter you from a standing position. Keeping your legs together makes you feel extra tight. Cozy!

Unless you're doing a lot of core-muscle workout already, this one is going to kink up your spine faster than eight hopped-up flying reindeer. You think your man is going to help you hold up your legs? Hah! He's going to be right off his head in ecstasy from how your normally floppy meat pocket suddenly fits him just right. What do you get the straight cisman who has everything? TIGHT FUCKING PUSSY.

On a One-Horse Open Sleigh, Hey!

Find a penis-level table (the back of a sofa works too) and lie down on your stomach with your butt at the edge and your legs hanging over. Have him grab onto your hips for dear life, lifting your legs and holding them up like a way sexier version of reins. On Dasher and Dancer, but mostly, on Vixen!

Ah, yes, the core-jarring, hip-hoisting, hope-your-boyfriend-is-strong-enough Plow position. They have to put cute names on it, because otherwise it just sounds exactly as brutal as it is. So if you want to add to the season's disappointment and fuckery, by all means bend over the festal board, bruise your elbows, knock over some lit candles, break one of the table leaves… the wreckage will give you a good story for Christmas dinner!

Santa's Lap Dance

Have him sit down, leaning back, then back onto him, slowly guiding him inside you. Keep your feet on the floor and lean forward a bit. Bequeath him with full-on lap dance gyrations, and he will be more than happy to reach around and rub you on in encouragement. #AllAboutTheGiving.

I personally feel that any lap dance worth this name needs to involve balancing a plate of cookies and a glass of milk on your shelf-booty. Now THAT'S sexy. And let's be real, if you were going to be giving Santa a lap-dance, you would need to move his "bowlful of jelly" out of the way to get any kind of proper friction going on. And "allaboutthegiving", HAH. Sorry to be a grinch, but the reach-around this writer mentions doesn't happen under full lap-dance conditions. Who has arms that long?

The Island of Misfit Toys

In sideways 69 position, slide a vibrating toy into your vagina, then have him use a small clit stimulator on you at the same time. This will seriously unhinge you, but if you can manage to get it together, loop a cock ring around the base of his balls and use a masturbation sleeve on him. Or if he's into anal play, go all MacGyver on his ass (in this case, in his ass) and try a butt plug on him while you give him a blow job. Tricky to rig everything up, but there are no unwanted toys here.

This here's a matter of personal taste and level of concentration, but I frankly can't handle mutual genital stimulation even without the toys. When you start dumping the contents of your Christmas stockings all over each other, that gets confusing really fast. Do you have down a little towel or puppy pad for when that butt plug suddenly shoots out of his ass mid-suck? Can you hear each other over the cacophony of buzz? Do you have all the batteries?

Twas the Bang Before Christmas

Lean your head back over the edge of the bed in this modified missionary until visions of sugar plums dance in your head. Precarious and head-rush-inducing — in the very best way.

This thing about getting a head rush reminds me of kids spinning around and around on the playground so that they get dizzy enough to fall down. Also, I thought one of the most important aspects of missionary, for people who like it, was the eye contact? Just hold your breath a little bit, or make yourself hyperventilate; it's less strain on your neck.

Next year, Cosmo, I wanna see you honor the true spirit of the winter holidays by giving us some pagan positions. "Debauched Donkey." "Bed of Holly." "The Green Man Cometh." Give us something nice and nature-loving, thanks!

*****

'Tis the season to throw some money at the artists in your life. Become my patron over on Patreon, and lay those Christmas ghosts to rest!

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