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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “4 Hot Sex Moves That Will Blow His Ever-Lovin’ Mind”

Terrible Sex Tips is BACK, with my number-one supplier, Sean Jameson over on yourtango, and “4 Hot Sex Moves That Will Blow His Ever-Lovin’ Mind.”

(As with most Terrible Sex Tips, this piece is specifically directed toward women with cisgender boyfriends.)

On the one hand, thanks, dude, for giving me so many talking points over the last few months. On the other hand, I’m a little afraid of meeting Sean in person. I won’t be able to restrain myself from shaking him by the collar and yelling, “DAMMIT MAN, STOP.”

First of all, we can add this to our chart of sex-tip red flags: if anywhere in the top few paragraphs it says something like “go back to the basics,” we can trust this. THERE IS NOTHING NEW HERE AT ALL. The writer is temporarily in a holding pattern; they are waiting for the next couple’s holiday to show up in the editorial calendar, or they are rummaging through the stack of press releases for the next sex trend, or they’re frantically texting their girlfriend to get back to them about that new suction-cup clit stimulator with something coherent other than “oh my GOD BLRGHRARLGHRLGL.”

They’ve run out of news you can arguably use, but they have to put something in that sex-tip-designated hole, so they go back to the “tried-and-true”. Unfortunately, so often this common-sense truth is incomplete, insulting, or just flat-out unsupportable, so the resulting article is terrible, in a sort of droning, background, I’ve-seen-this-shit-before sort of way.

Also, MINUS A GAZILLION POINTS for anything that is promoted as leaving your partner “begging for more.” I do not like the image here. I do not like this as a relationship goal. Unless your power dynamic specifically has space for begging, I strongly feel that sex should be more asking and offering and negotiating and enthusiastic sharing. Anything else smacks of scarcity mode, which… no, we don’t need to encourage that in sex.

Blow-job. Sorry, Sean, but it’s just not true: not every man wants one, not every man likes them. Also, it DOESN’T need “only your mouth.” If you’re not using your hands, at least every now and then, you’re setting yourself up for him guiding the proceedings—not always the wise choice—and you’re missing out on ball tickling, balancing in precarious situations, and/or getting full coverage when his dick is too long or your gag reflex is too delicate for deep-throating. USE YOUR HANDS, on yourself and him.

Move on from missionary, he says, and the link takes you to Sean’s article about 17 sex positions that men will love. (Here’s my take-down of that one. I told you this guy is both my nemesis and my gold mine.) BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT’S IMPORTANT: pleasing “your man”. <grinding teeth> GRRGH. The point about you having a good time too never gets enough play, in my opinion. What’s out there is never truly collaborative. The sex-tip paradigm is permeated with this sense of barter. I’ll give you this, so that you’ll give me that. GODDAMMIT I HATE THE WORLD SOMETIMES.

Talk dirty. Oh god, no, Sean. You know what you like to hear, and you know what your girlfriends have said, although maybe they were trying to keep from busting out laughing the whole time, hard to know, because women get taught to cover up what they really think about men’s performances in bed, so you MAY NOT REALLY KNOW how dirty talk works, even in your particular case, Sean, LET ALONE in the general population. “You don’t have to sound like a porn star,” he says, which, right, this is something no one really wants. But if you just drop in groans or a husky whisper when you never have before, you WILL sound like a porn star, because your partner will know that it’s fake. How about just “TALK”?

Turn him on, by being turned on, “because no man wants to feel like a failure in the bedroom.” Ah. Hah. Right. Protect that male ego. Fake it, babe.

Yeah. Just because it’s “basic” doesn’t mean it’s not TERRIBLE.

*****

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