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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: 5 Things You’re Scared to Try in Bed—That Might Actually Blow Your Mind

It's like caning, but with  soft poly-fibers instead!

It's like caning, but with soft poly-fibers instead!

Scanning sex-tip articles for the problematic ones has taught me one important thing: I pay too much attention to the pictures.

The stock photo they use to illustrate this piece makes me think that PILLOW-FIGHTING is a less explored sex game and that it might be the new trend in sex. Speaking for myself, I am not scared to try pillow fighting in bed; I would be all over that shit! But no. Photo is fun, but unrelated.

I actually don’t mind the tips included herein, not much. And I appreciate the suggestion to take things that you already like and just ramp them up a bit. That seems like a smart way of going about it, instead of dropping thousands of dollars on a new latex wardrobe, say, or signing up for a weekend orgy when y’all are still shy holding hands down the street. Yes. Eminently sensible.

But I have deeper objections, like, is it just a coincidence that so many of these sex-tip articles recommend things that straight cis guys are supposed to want? And is the listicle format really suitable to downloading what can be some fairly complex proposals?

For example, “make a sex tape.” STOP. WAIT. Ask questions first! Whose phone is that is going to happen on? Will you delete the fuck out of it immediately after viewing? If not, where will that video reside? Will you show your faces? Celebrity marriages and sex tapes and divorce scandals are not just entertainment, people; they are morality plays for us to learn from, and the moral here is “sex tapes: proceed with caution.”

Or, suggests the writer, “play submissive” and get your Anastasia moves from 50 Shades of Grey, right down to biting your lip, har har, isn’t that silly? Yes, it's just silly enough that the writer has plausible deniability of actually suggesting COPY-AND-PASTING 50 SHADES OF GREY INTO YOUR SEX LIFE. Seriously, there are so many ways of playing submissive, so many games to play. The one in 50 Shades is the palest, shallowest portrayal of possibilities.

Also, how come these articles never talk about women being dominant? Ever? I don’t mean cowgirl, or putting your hand on the back of your partner’s head to show them where to go. I mean, someone on their knees in front of you and calling you My Queen or saying “yes, ma’am”. Not every woman wants to be submissive, and as long as we’re experimenting, turnabout is totally fair play.

“Watch porn.” This is offered as a ramp-up from watching The Bachelor. I hear Game of Thrones has got it going on, if you like the incest/rape/KILL KILL KILL thing. Are women really scared to try watching porn? DON’T BE SCARED, MY FRIENDS. There’s the off button, right there.

“Dirty voice messages.” Okay. This whole article is, I guess, a timely reminder that I am not the demographic. I AM NOT THE DEMOGRAPHIC. … Listen. Ladies. You will not die if you say dirty things right into your lover’s face. Sure, keep the voice message move as a buffer if you must. You can listen and listen and freak yourself out about the little click in your voice that you didn’t know you had, and record it over and over, and then send what you hope is the perfect version. But trust me, YOU WILL NOT DIE if you do it live.

“Use a vibrator together.”  Hahahahah, FUCK IT. You know who’s more likely to be scared of vibrators? Cis-dudes. Pitch that article to Maxim or Men’s Health, and work on the boys first.

*****

It's spring, when a young writer's thoughts turn lightly to love and sex-tip snark and theatre! Throw some money down and make this season's labours possible: become a patron of mine over at Patreon!

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