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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “7 Masturbation Experiences You MUST Have Before You Get Old And Die”

Which means this ain't rigor mortis.

Which means this ain't rigor mortis.

I started writing about Terrible Sex Tips because I don’t understand them, and I hoped that maybe in the research, I could begin to tease some meaning out of them. But for every TST article I think I get, another one is left running and I’m just standing there in bewilderment, watching it go. Like this one.

This collection of pretty bad sex tips is for people who are bored with masturbation.

It happens, I suppose, so I say go ahead and experiment with new angles and toys and locations and pressure points, but is this scare-tactic tone really necessary? This article makes it sound like you better take steps to liven it up, or you will get bored with yourself and just walk off and hook up with a better, sexier you, which… this is not a thing, right? Apparently we need a bucket list for wanking. It’s not enough to keep pleasuring yourself in reliable ways; you need to STRIVE.

The writer comes off very young, too, someone who has not yet let go of the eighth-grade notion that anyone over the age of 30 is heading down that steep hill into the grave.

Having a little fun "alone" time is always a good idea, but you haven't lived until you've tried these extra hot scenarios. So relax with your hand or a vibrator, and try out these masturbation experiences before you die.

This is the sexual equivalent of all of those pop songs about dancing until you die young, this is SEXUAL NIHILISM. You must chill, sex-tip writer and anyone reading this, it’s just jacking off, and the odds are very good that you’ve got plenty of time to jam out with yer clam out before you kick the bucket.

And anyway, as a lover pointed out, “It’s not like you can have those experiences AFTER you die.”

Several of the tips aren’t bad, per se, although as always, I could wish for safety recommendations to be automatically included. In the shower? Only if you’ve got a grippy bathtub mat and at least one hand rail or solidly wall-attached soap dish at the correct height. Long-distance with a wireless-enabled toy run by your lover? Sure, as long as you’ve agreed beforehand that no heavy equipment will be operated (except I feel that this is not, strictly speaking, solo sex).

One item verges on inconsiderate, the suggestion to hit the private ladies’ room at work during lunch, in which the author specifically recommends against public, multi-stalled bathrooms. What? No! A public bathroom would be the only way to be sure that you are not keeping someone with an urgent health issue from using a toilet. You don’t get to occupy the one women’s room on your floor, just because you wanna bang one out. NO. Your self-satisfaction is not that important, Christ.

Meanwhile, other suggested locations are dangerous. While sitting in traffic, bored out of your mind. The author points out the obvious prerequisites—a solid poker face and a car that rides high off the ground—oh, and complete gridlock so that you’re not moving at all. Except… can we agree that the driver of a car should never be distracted like that? Suddenly traffic starts moving and you can’t fish the bullet vibe out of your knickers.

Or how about in public (HOT, HOT, HOT.)

Whether it's under a table at dinner or under a blanket on an airplane, having a private moment in public can be absolutely amazing. And worrying if someone will see you is half the fun.

Is it? Maybe? Have you brought the wet wipes? How sure are you that your seatmate is actually asleep? Are you having alfredo sauce on your linguine? If that last question in particular just squicked you out in conjunction with the topic at hand, ahem, then I don’t think you’re dedicated enough to combine dining out with doing yourself out.

In a hotel, just for the novelty of it.

Yes, it's just another bed, but there's something extra delicious and indulgent about it.

Yes, yes, and you can just wipe your hand off on the sheets afterward and not give a damn. But that’s not really bucket list material, is it? That’s just laundry.

I feel as though there is more to be explored here, in terms of getting in touch with your body’s sensations, and calming your mind to be more aware, and yeah, maybe you would wind up using sensual oils on yourself in a hotel bed or, I dunno, fucking a bucket of prawns (not actually recommended). We’re all going to die. Go on and get those experiences.

But just handing out a checklist of locations is generic and glosses over some real safety and public-courtesy issues, which means… you guessed it. TERRIBLE.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm suddenly craving some pasta alfredo and a bucket of prawns.

*****

Terrible Sex Tips. I won't stop until they do. Reader/fan contributions make it easier for me to keep going, so please, become a patron of mine over on Patreon.

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