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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “The 5 Best Sex Positions for When It’s Hot as Balls Outside”

Suggesting that you use one of these for support during your sexual endeavor is particularly foolhardy and terrible.

Suggesting that you use one of these for support during your sexual endeavor is particularly foolhardy.

I appreciate the civic-mindedness of sex-tip writers. Surely it is for the benefit of their readers’ sex lives, and not to pad their weekly column spot, that these writers dig up all sorts of ridiculous problem areas or situations and offer up positions to deal with them. This article is a perfect specimen. Perfectly terrible.

Okay, maybe not perfectly terrible. Only 60 percent of the tips offered were problematic or stupid; props to the writer for noting two quick postures, namely doggy style and standing bent, as being hot-weather friendly. But the other 40 percent offered a great deal of rationalization for hot-weather sex positions.

I mean, an absurd amount of rationalization. One position is supposedly "great for a cold tile floor and doesn't require a ton of work on your part. That means no sweaty post-sex hair for you, girl.” Are you that sure of your tile floor that you just want to lay your sticky bod right down on it? I’m not.

Also, not requiring a ton of work on your part means that your partner is going to be the one working hard. Maybe you have an agreement about this, taking turns “doing the work,” hopefully you do, otherwise this sounds a little selfish and also ignorant of the laws of sex physics. The work has to be done somewhere, otherwise you’re just lying there, some bits inside of your partner’s bits, just sweating and twitching until someone wonders out loud if there's any ice cream left and the other eagerly offers to go check.

If you want to be fair after that, you know, truly share responsibility for energy output, you could jump straight to the position in which you will be doing all the work: the seated wheelbarrow. Or don’t. I can’t recommend it. You will just not get what’s advertised. “Basically the only things touching are your lady parts and his package,” says the writer, but this is completely contradicted by the standard “don’t show too much” sex-position sketch and also common sense. You’ve got extra-damp thigh creases plastered all up on each other right there!

Oh, and take a look at the description of the position here:

“Have him sit on the edge of a chair or bed. Place your hands on the floor in front of you as he enters you from behind. You can wrap your legs around him, if you've got central air. Otherwise, let 'em fly free.”

Dear reader, don’t fall for this. The only motion possible in this position is driven by arms and core; he’ll be pulling back and you, love, are going to be balancing on your arms and trying not to wobble too much. It’s a minor but undisputed law of sex positions: the wheel-end of any wheelbarrow variant is deepest in shit.

Wait, there's more! “Plus, since he doesn't have to work as hard while sitting, and you're facing the floor, the chances of you two dripping on each other are slim to none. You're welcome.”

Ah, this is getting at the whole sweating-on-each-other-thing. WHY IS THIS A THING. Your partner is balls/wrist/ears deep in your juicy bits. Get over it!

The pièce de résistance in this puppy is the fifth position, which recommends the missionary-with-heels-by-the-ears. WUT, WHY. Their rationale is that, since you’re already hot, you might as well use that increased flexibility in your joints to do something stupid, er, acrobatic. NO. GROSS. It’s all skin on skin, like, your own skin on your own skin, never mind your partner’s.

I am all in favor of not relying on perfect conditions for sex. Not everything can be on a beautiful bed of moss in a late-spring forest, or on a bearskin rug in front of a roaring fire in a ski lodge, or whatever your favorite environment is. You’re a grown-up. You learn to adapt to an imperfect world.

But sometimes adapting looks like waiting until nighttime or whenever the temperature drops below 35 Celsius (the average temperature of summer-time testicles). Urging you to move beyond your bodily instincts on this one feels pretty terrible.

*****

You know what's a really hot move for summertime? Becoming a patron of mine on Patreon! Your small per-piece pledge helps ensure a steady stream of these sex-tip takedowns.

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