CALL OF THE DAY: the many lies of Lesbian Surfer Dude
I’m never sure what it’s about when a regular tells me they’re going to be calling me less frequently. Maybe they feel a connection and don’t want me to be concerned or confused. Maybe they are trying to convince themselves that they’re going to be cutting back, because they got their bill for the previous month and they’re going through a bout of buyer’s remorse. Usually they do end up calling back eventually, and rarely do they offer any explanation for their absence.
Lesbian Surfer Dude has been one of these callers. In the last year or so, it’s mostly been about his new girlfriend. He offers her up as the reason that he’s going to be cutting back. Of course I tell him I’m happy for him. I honestly am happy for him. I do believe that if my callers—hell, if everyone everywhere—could get their sexual needs met by their partners or other caring people in their lives, the world would be a better place.
So when LSD has told me about going off on road trips with his girlfriend, or in any other way that he’s going to be spending more time with her, I have been 100% supportive and in no way offering recrimination or guilt trips or anything. Good, I say, I’m glad. I hope you really have a great time.
But I also asked him once whether his girlfriend knew about his fantasies, whether he ever shared them with her—not to pressure him to do so, just curious—and he firmly came down on the side of “No way, she would never be into it.” Right. That cleared the table, and I never asked again.
He called last week, after a couple of months’ absence. He had warned me that he was probably not going to call anymore, but he and I have done this cycle before, so I wasn’t surprised to hear from him again. As a conversation starter, I asked him, so what have you been up to? It’s been a while. And he so casually said, “Well, I got married on Friday.”
What, last Friday? As in three days ago?
Is it the girl that you’ve been going out with for a while?
“Yeah, she’s awesome.”
Oh! Well! Congratulations!
And then we went on with the usual, where he pretends to be a girl named Wendy and I am a hot woman of some random girl-on-girl-porno profession, but always sweaty and foul-mouthed and very into frottage all over his luscious ass before fucking his lesbian pussy with a strap-on and begging for him to do the same.
Every muscle in my throat was aching to let me say something like, why are you calling me, three days after your wedding? Why aren’t you on your honeymoon? Why have you married someone who you will seemingly want to hide one of your sex things from forever? How do you think she will feel if she ever accidentally finds out?
Of course I didn’t ask. My priorities are authenticity in my sexual relationships, but those are not everyone’s. People are scared. People compartmentalize. Maybe he just doesn’t see this as important enough to share with anyone. Why go through the stress of that awkward conversation, when he can just call up and work it out once a month with someone whom he will never look at over the breakfast table and wonder if she’s secretly disgusted with him? It’s not the kind of relationship I’d want, but hey. He’s the one paying for it.
So congratulations, Lesbian Surfer Dude, and every other dude who marries someone but gets their yayas out with a sex worker on the side. I hope you stay with your partner long enough, and get comfortable enough, that you can tell them more about yourself some day. That’s my wedding wish to you.
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