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From the Fuckbucket: “How Deep Is Too Deep?”

Welcome to “From the Fuckbucket,” my newest experiment in blog subseries, in which I respond more fully to anonymous questions deposited in the Fuckbucket at Smut Slams.

Fuckbucket questions always lack context, but they’re normally a little more specific than this week’s: “How deep is too deep?” I could have answered a question about whether women can orgasm from anal sex, but no. I gave my Facebook family a chance to choose between those two questions, and they chose the one that is practically philosophical. <deep breath> So. Here goes:

It’s too deep when you’ve lost your grip on it.

It’s too deep when you have to go to the hospital to get it back.

It’s too deep when you weren’t prepared for how vulnerable you might feel talking with this person about your first love, and you need a few seconds staring in your too-strong party drink to swallow back your tears.

It’s too deep when you feel something pop that doesn’t normally.

It’s too deep when the pressure gauge says it is, and yes, I know you want to go swimming after that beautiful octopus and the water is warm and you’re feeling fine after 30 years of work, here on your first post-retirement vacation, you just want to go for it, I know, but the dive instructor is swimming after you now, so trust me, it’s too deep.

It could be too deep when you go too fast, when you just plunge in with whatever, your cock or your finger or that snazzy new penetrative sex toy, you just go in, even with lube, odds are good that it’s too deep.

It’s too deep when you draw blood and didn’t mean to.

It’s too deep when you can’t see the bottom of the lake and you don’t know how to swim.

It’s too deep when you can see the bottom of the lake and you’re getting dizzy from it.

It’s pretty damn deep, if you feel like you might pass out from how awesome it is, but you don’t because you can lay your head down on someone else’s body and get some grounding before you carry on with the party. Stop before someone passes out, because that’s too deep.

It’s too deep when you put the fencepost in and it’s only sticking out of the ground, like, 14 inches. Put some of that dirt back in, you’re never going to keep the neighbor’s sheep out of your yard like that.

It’s too deep when one standard recipe of pie crust, rolled out to the correct thickness, doesn’t line it all the way. You can probably patch it with scraps, but you might have some problems with cooking the filling all the way through. I recommend that you talk to your neighbour and maybe borrow their pie pan, because yours is too deep.

It’s too deep when everyone else’s eyes glaze over. I mean, it’s too deep for them, because they’re all pretty drunk. It’s not too deep, generally. Don’t worry about it, hon, you’ll find a man who can keep up. Maybe we should stop going to bars to look for boyfriends.

It’s too deep when the person you’re trying it with says your mutually agreed-upon safe word, when they say stop, when they say no, when they say, WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT STOP STOP STOP.

If you want to go deep, but not too deep, go slow. Check your progress frequently. Check in with anyone else involved. Edge in, or get someone who’s already done it to tell you enough that you feel safe. There is no shame in not doing something because you’re scared. Going too deep can be painful, weird, awkward, time-consuming, and in a few cases and depending on what you’re doing, fatal.

Going deep, though, that can be amazing.

*****

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