X

TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “5 Delicious Ways to Have an Orgasm in Your Kitchen”

 

Shoulda thought about spanking her ass before you tied off that Saran Wrap.

Kitchens are sexy as fuck, but only if you’re observing all the safety rules and laws of physics! Let’s get some real talk up in this joint, a recent piece from Cosmo.

It starts out agreeably enough:

Spicy, hot, cooking puns aside, kitchens are sexy AF and have all kinds of handy elements right there waiting for you to find them.

But of course, as soon as we get to specifics, I start having some issues...

  1. The Deep Freeze

Your kitchen is basically a beginner S&M dungeon waiting to happen.

Okay, we are never going to shake the 9 ½ Weeks thing, are we? I’m all a fan of found objects, but no one ever uses proper safety guidelines . If you’re going to use plastic wrap as impromptu bondage material, make sure the kitchen shears are right there on the counter. Also, any time that melting ice cubes are involved, towels--paper or otherwise--need to be nearby. (Artist note: read the article first, so that if it talks about spanking someone's ass while they're strapped to the fridge, the figure you illustrate as being strapped to the fridge is actually ass out.) Oh, and this?

If y'all are brave, yes, you can use chip clips as nipple clamps. Make a pact to never speak of it again next time you open up a bag of Doritos.

Are you fucking kidding me? Speak of it! Jointly write some terrible erotica about it! The whole point of using found objects in sex is so you can totally makes eyes at each other the next time you run across those objects in every-day life. I don't think this writer actually understands kink.

2. The Banana Split

Sit his ass on a bar stool in the middle of the kitchen with his back to the counter so he doesn't see all his future garnishes, aka whatever food substance you'd enjoy dripping, drizzling, or licking off his penis.

Is the ubiquity of tips about food stuffs on genitals somehow related to the fact that many people seem to find nomming on genitals distasteful in some way and they’re just trying to cover up the natural taste of sexy bits? That is a rhetorical question; the answer is surely yes. Also, why does no one ever suggest gravy for his meat-and-two-veg? We’re not all chocolate-drizzle lovers! (Not a euphemism.)

 3. The Special Order

Try a sitting reverse cowgirl with him propped up in a chair facing the counter.

Frankly, anything involving the “cowgirl” pushing backward against a free-standing chair sounds risky. I don’t know about you, but I get really fucking motivated when I’m fucking, where “motivated” equals “freakishly strong,” and that chair and anyone in it would be surfing cold linoleum in a matter of seconds.

4. Counting on You

The kitchen really has the most convenient sex furniture of any room. Solve the problem with most standing positions (nothing to hold on to, difficult access) by trying it in a corner where two cabinets meet. Park your butt in the corner and open a lower cabinet so you have something to prop your foot on.

Surely the writer means both feet; one leg dangling awkwardly destabilizes the whole encounter. You know what else destabilizes it? Smashing your little toe in the door of a cupboard when you leverage up on that edge too hard and close the door(s). On your toe(s). Or break the cabinetry. Either one is going to put an abrupt end to your countertop collaboration. You weigh the risks, darlin'.

5. Dine and Dash

What is it about cooking that makes the other person want to come up behind and nuzzle the chef's neck? If you want to lean all the way in to this fantasy, try wearing an apron and nothing else.

Aaaaand… we circle right back around to safety. If you’re actually cooking and not just puttering around with wine glasses and take-out containers, make sure your apron is a full apron, not some decorative bistro-server thing. You need to protect those tits from grease spatters!

Also, if you’re the one making your move on the chef, for the love of God, CHECK FIRST that they are not using a sharp implement or messing with actual flames. Some things should not be interrupted, even for sex.

*****

Wanna be the first to see the outtakes and teasers for when I bring new Terrible Sex Tip videos into production? Become a patron of mine on Patreon! Your per-piece support fuels the Cameryn Moore machine!

Leave a Reply

Message
Your Name *
Your Email *
Website