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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “My dom wants to tie me up and tickle me, but I don’t like tickling”

My partner wants to tie me up and tickle me. I love being dominated by him, but I don’t like tickling. Yet I am intrigued. Please tell me more about tickling.

Okay. On its own, tickling is just a form of sensation play. It can be soft tickle (with fingertips, blowing breath, or maybe a feather or something fuzzy), or harder tickling (digging in with the fingers, or scratching), but at the base, tickling is just another way to get at sensation. If you’re doing it consensually, then the person getting tickled (shall we agree upon “tickle bottom” as the term?) enjoys that sensation, and the person doing the tickling (the “tickle top”) enjoys seeing the reaction and providing the pleasure (?) to their partner.

But that is not what the Fuckbucketeer is talking about, with this question. To my mind, the real issue is the strong domination and restraint theme: the dom wants to tie the Fuckbucketeer up and do something to them that the Fuckbucketeer does not enjoy. (This is also the thing that makes my advice for this question transferable to other activities as well.)

DISCLAIMER: reluctant compliance is not a dynamic of BDSM that I have ever played with myself. Like humiliation, actually forced anything is not a feeling that I am drawn to in the slightest. Since I began having sex sober 25 years ago, I only do things in bed that I enjoy physically. Even activities that are painful enough to make me cry—hard belting or caning—I seek them out and endure them because the physical and emotional release afterward, and the cuddling and praise, and sometimes the pride of being marked, is worth it to me.

So. The Fuckbucketeer doesn’t enjoy the thing, but their dom wants to make them do the thing. I don't understand it, but here's what I got. In such a situation, there are two options:

  • Hold out on tickling as a hard limit. It is perfectly acceptable, and indeed crucial, to know your own limits and boundaries, and hold to them.
  • Agree to do tickling, but find your own motivator for it.

When I read this submission out loud at a Smut Slam, I advised the writer to go with option 2, and talk with the top about making the scene satisfying for both of them, and upon further consideration, I'm going to stick with that.

So, if there's something your top wants to do, maybe try out some of it without restraints, or with limited restraints. Do you have a safe word? No? FIND ONE, and don't be afraid to use it. Think about what kinds of rewards you would feel satisfied with afterward. Maybe a bubble bath to soothe your skin? Verbal praise? Some play or good hard fucking the way you like it? Or is it enough to feel that your dom is really domming you hard (because he is making you do this thing that you don't like)? In that case, maybe ask them to talk more during your scene, really emphasizing that aspect of the play.

And remember: If you decide to change your hard limits, have that discussion outside of the play. Don’t let the thrill of the moment pull you outside of your power when it comes to negotiating important boundaries. A dom worthy of you would not ask you to change your mind mid-stream, or be offended if you said, hey, can we wait?

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This FROM THE FUCKBUCKET feature is just one way that I like to spread a little more acceptance and openness around. If you think I'm doing important work with my theatre and storytelling shows and other sex-aware events, please consider becoming a patron of mine over on Patreon!

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