X

TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Here’s how to reawaken your inner divine sexy goddess”

Save the candles for your survival kit. Visualize patriarchy on fire for maximum sexiness!

DISCLAIMER: One of my main issues with religion or spirituality or those two years where I was getting friendly with tarot cards is that I always wanted that shit to be practical, to manifest some shit seriously fast. And I wanted the process to be transparent: if you do this, then that will happen. I wanted things that were as practical as sticking a lever under a fucking boulder, if the lever was meditating on the Queen of Wands and the boulder was my inertia around my writing career.

It is very difficult for me to get down with actual woo, in other words. Gimme some fast-acting, practical shit, and EXPLAIN why you think it’s gonna work. And don’t call me less enlightened if it doesn’t work.

So I can safely say that I am not the audience for this piece. I mean, the headline. I was wishing that “Inner Divine Sexy Goddess” was just a metaphor for flooding cunty squirt-waters, you know, "put down the puppy pad before reawakening"!

Sadly, this piece is not that. This is Inner Divine Sexy Goddess, a concept that I of course associate with 50 Shades of Grey. In that book, the IDSG is always doing some Latin dance moves inside the protagonist’s head. She is already awake. So I have to ask, what are the practical manifestations of an IDSG who has fallen asleep at the wheel? No answer forthcoming from this piece, which is less Terrible Sex Tips, and more Terrible Sex Affirmation.

The author uses the phrase “inner sexy goddess” like a mantra, as if she needs to keep that bit of ourselves firmly identified as a Separate fucking Being, the way that people use “inner thin woman” with fat women as a way of dismissing the outer bits. If you must have goddessy stuff wombling around, why can’t we just BE the goddess that we apparently all are?

Why does the IDSG have to be “inner”? I'll tell you: because then we don’t have to get specific about pesky real-world outcomes like, are you getting enough of the sex that you want? Are you with someone(s) who treats you well? Did you suck it up enough to finally buy that porn subscription? Those things are practical shit that you can measure. In other words, TOO SPECIFIC about results. This author encourages us to get highly specific about process. Let’s walk through this together, shall we?

Light a white or pink candle and stare into the flame.

Meditating about our fears and insecurities is fine. You want to commune with your own IDSG? Knock yourself out. But …

“If you would like to speed the process up, pray 2-3 times a day for at least 15 minutes each time. Now in doing that, be prepared, because things will happen... fast!”

Triple the time you spend staring at candles, and you’re just gonna super-accelerate that super soaker of yours! That kind of high-powered infomercial talk makes me feel nauseated.

Create a sexy goddess portrait.

"Have a portrait done of yourself — either nude or with something very sexy on. If the picture is just you alone, put it in a prominent place in your house, but not the bedroom. If you have a partner, both of you should be in the picture in a very sexy timeless pose that expresses your sexual desire and love for each other. Place that picture in your love and romance corner in the back right-hand corner of your bedroom — your love and marriage corner in Feng Shui."

SO MANY QUESTIONS. Why does the picture go in different places depending on whether you’re partnered up or not? What is a “sexy timeless pose”? Should the picture be framed or what? Do you get bonus points if you bang the person who created the portrait for you?

Another significant problem of the article: the author uses the word “sexy” like it’s universally understood. She talks about “sexy poses” and “sexy scents” as if you can be guided by what’s rated “sexy” out there in the world, whereas some of us are sitting here saying hey, one person’s sexy is another person’s work outfit, what are you even talking about?

Repeat sexy goddess affirmations

"Repeat the following affirmation out loud over and over again from a half hour to an hour a day for 21 days straight without skipping a day. It takes 21 days to change a belief or pattern: "I am celebrating and embracing my uniqueness as a beautiful sexy goddess unleashed."

AN HOUR A DAY. This is on top of the 45 minutes a day staring at candles. Nearly two hours a day trying to drill down to an inner sexy goddess.

This is a Terrible Sex Tip designed for someone with too much time on their hands, someone who needs to understand that their inner sexy goddess is not trapped, that’s just bullshit societal expectations. This is one of the core flaws in Terrible Sex Tip culture: positing the problem entirely with you (or your spiritual path) and ignoring the overwhelming anti-sex crap that we are soaking in.

Yes, overwriting those negative mental tapes with something positive is one approach, but you can't wait to go after the sexiness you want until you never think those thoughts anymore, because you will be waiting forever. Keep looking for those things that make you feel good: dance classes, hot baths, holding hands, massages.

If you hear yourself saying you’re not sexy, just say, I am totally sexy and keep moving on with your day. Write your own erotica. Talk with your friends about this shit. TEAR DOWN SEX-HATING PATRIARCHAL CAPITALISM.

Forget lighting candles: set capitalism on fire and make love fiercely in the flickering light of its flames. That’s a result I can get behind.

*****

Yeah, I guess I can get pretty worked up about these things. That's why people support my writing! If you do too, check me out over at Patreon and become a patron!

 

2 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Here’s how to reawaken your inner divine sexy goddess””

  1. Casimir Bendaplimpton June 6, 2017 at 1:16 pm

    “PATRIARCHAL CAPITALISM” Hyeah, like enlightened sexuality really flourished in the Soviet Union, or in Myanmar. And that’s why Italy and France are sexual wastelands. C’monnnnn …

  2. camerynmoore June 7, 2017 at 4:01 am

    There are many reasons why societies fuck up sexuality, and there are many ways to fuck it up too. I’d be willing to bet that, for some people, France ain’t a throbbing sexual paradise.

Leave a Reply

Message
Your Name *
Your Email *
Website