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Unexpected conversations about surprise kinks: a brief survival guide

A common question that I get about my time doing phone sex is, “Did you ever get stumped on a call?” That is, did I ever get a call for something that I knew nothing about or otherwise didn’t know how to handle?

The answer, of course, is “yes, but I still had to take the call.” (See this past blog post about cuckolding for one of my first such glitches.)

That’s the main thing about doing phone work for a company: you can’t really flail or go silent or be overtly shocked or otherwise fail on a call, because the dispatcher will be listening in, especially when you’re a newbie. If you end up getting a complaint or the caller hangs up on you—out of frustration, not because they came, and yes, you can tell—you are going to get another call immediately, one that doesn’t even start with a “hello.” The dispatcher will go straight to “what the hell was that.” Just one of Those Calls is enough to have you scrambling to keep up and stay cool the next time you get a request that you don’t understand.

In one sense, that scrambling desperation underscores how different phone sex for pay is different from dirty talk and other sexy times in a partnered, unpaid relationship. Callers can and do drop some seriously random shit on their PSOs, and we just have to deal with it, in a way that non sex workers don’t. Couples can and should be having conversations online or in person about things they like and are curious about.

But since the human imagination is vast and colorful and surprising, and even broad daylight and earnest intent are not always enough to insulate you from psychological flail, it helps to be prepared. With that in mind, I’d like to offer you a few tips on what to do if your partner brings up A Thing that you know nothing about.

  • First of all, DO NOT PANIC. Your partner is not going to hang up on you. They are probably more scared of your reaction than you are of feeling like a fool.
  • Stall for time if necessary with simple non-committal exclamations, like “huh” or “wow,” uttered casually but with some interest.
  • Ask all the clarifying questions you want! “What do you like about that?” or “How does that make you feel?” or “Is [some character in their fantasy] wearing something special?” Again, keep your inflection in check. You are not interrogating them, you are doing important information gathering.
  • Thank them for trusting you with this information, and if you feel like you need to do more research before you talk again or act on this, say that, something along the lines of “I’d like to find out more about this, so that I really understand it. The way you talk about it makes me intrigued.”
  • Do the research. Fetlife.com is a fine repository of both erotica and discussions around all kinds of kinks. You can also google the kink + “erotica” or “fan fic”.
  • Notice recurring phrases or motifs as you do your research. Those represent more common “hot buttons” in the kink, and are probably good information to bring into further discussions.

Most of all, take your time. You have lots of it. You’re not on the clock, not really. You don’t have to get them off in an hour. You can have the conversation(s) and do the reading, and you will come back together all the better for the wait.

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