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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “how does one get invited to a sex party?”

How does one get invited to/find out about a sex party?

Step 1
Network your ass off, that is, make friends with people who might throw sex parties, or who know about sex parties. Don’t make friends with them only because they might be party-throwing- or knowing-about perverts; that is super exploitative and creepy. But if you are feeling like everyone in your current circle of acquaintance might judge you if you mentioned anything about going to such a party, now might be a good time to broaden your friendship networks a bit.

Best places to meet these people are munches or sloshes: social gatherings for kinksters. Generally munches are held in places that aren’t focused on booze, and sloshes are held in pubs and bars, etc. Just about any online swing/kink site will have some kind of listings for this, but Fetlife.com is the first place I would recommend for finding munches. Like most communities online, it has lots of assholes, creeps, and people pretending to be people that they aren’t. However, when you drill down into the places category, the regional and city groups on Fetlife are pretty reliable ways to find people in your area.

There will be announcements about munches, as well as… wait a minute, there are some sex parties listed here, too! You could just skip the munches and head straight out to the parties, right?

WHOA THERE, BUCKEROO. You could just go to the sex parties and the monthly dungeon play parties, just pay your money at the door or buy that membership or whatever. But you’re going to show up at those things and not know anyone, and you’re still gonna feel left out of the loop. Take it from me: being a wallflower at a play party, when you really want to play, is one of the worst kinds of wallflower to be.

Step 2
Take the time to get to know people in your community first, even if, hell, especially if you don’t want to have sex with them or flog them or anything. Munches or sloshes are good, as are workshops at dungeons or local sex toy stores. If you’re lucky enough to have a sex/sexuality convention or sex-geek convention within easy traveling distance, that’s a bigger step to take, but you will definitely have the opportunity to meet lots of people at once, if you’ve got the personality to handle all of that interacting.

Step 3
BE CHILL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Don’t get all wrapped up in finding this party that you want so bad. The right party will emerge when you are putting in the effort to socialize properly and you’re ready for it, whether it’s a commercial dungeon or a hotel room orgy at a con, or a Cards-against-Humanity game that went right off the rails.

In the meantime, do not keep pestering your new-found friends about whether they know of any sex parties. Do not have that be the only question people see you posting about on the private FB group. Do not ask that question continually at munches. This shit is creepy; don’t do it. Asking everyone the same question over and over—“do you know where the party is this weekend?”—makes you like one-track and desperate, and that is not an attractive look on anyone.

Generally, people want to meet and befriend other people who have at least a little bit of a personality. You want to show that you are capable of being entertaining and friendly, because most sex parties have a lot of downtime and you want to show your potential hosts that you can do more than suck dick or make happy porno noises.

Step 4
Go ahead and check out the commercial offerings that are out there. Again, Fetlife regional groups will frequently have posts for the clubs and dungeons in those areas. Whatever else you do, I encourage you to go with someone you trust, whether that's a partner or a friend. And do the research for these clubs before you get there. Different parties, both private and commercial, have different codes of conduct; some allow only non-penetrative BDSM-oriented play, others are fine with whatever. Most have some sort of dress code to follow as well. DO YOUR RESEARCH.

Finally, I want to put out there a radical Step 5:
Talk to your existing friends about your interest! Maybe not everyone, maybe only one friend. This might feel scary, but listen: if you are not in the habit of talking with your friends about your sex life, you have no way of knowing what their sex lives are like, either. They may have a monthly Groupon for orgies! Or their friend may be the dungeon master at the play party down the road. You don't know unless you put yourself out there a little. Again, you gotta be chill and not just dump it on unwilling listeners; that way is truly Creepville. But if you have people in your friend circle already who you feel are already close enough for this conversation, give it a shot. You really never know.

Good luck!

*****

Through my blog posts and theatre work and storytelling shows, I try to make more room for discussions about sex, sexuality, relationships, and art. If you think this is important work, consider becoming a patron of mine on Patreon! Everyone's small per-piece contributions add up!

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