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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “5 Wild Sex Things to Do With An Uncircumcised Dude”

Is this scary? I think it's kinda cute...

This article is clearly written for readers in the US, where between 50-80 percent of American-born sex-having-aged men were circumcised as babies. In this foreskin-less land, straight women are apparently going to be too shocked by the turtleneck on a half-erect dick to even know what to do with it once it is ready for action.

And so what does Cosmo do to combat this ignorance about uncut dick? Objectify it to the point of fetishizing, and make MOVING GIFS TO MAKE THE ONLINE ARTICLE EXTRA CREEPY.

The writer gets it right at first: “Uncircumcised penises aren't all that different than their circumcised brethren.” Then they fuck it up by adding “but they do come with a few extra features to enjoy should you stumble upon one in the wild.” Like you have to take an armored humvee out onto the steppes in order to find one.

And these positions… what the fuck are they talking about? Cock is cock, as far as anyone riding a hard one is concerned, so the penis-in-vag positions offered in this article are pumped-up bullshit: they will work—or not—for anyone. The other positions are mostly guides for unnerved first-time foreskin handlers. HERE IS HOW YOU CAN PLAY WITH THIS BIT OF SKIN YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, OWING IN LARGE PART TO VESTIGES OF ARCHAIC SOCIETAL ATTITUDES ABOUT MALE MASTURBATION. So many ways to play!

The Face-Off

Ah-hah. I would like this a lot better if there were a point system involved, because otherwise this is just your basic face-to-face hand job, aka (in this context) exposure therapy for foreskin phobia. Just keep your eyes on the prize, no, like, don’t take your eyes off of it. Look how weird that looks, as the bit of skin pulls up and over the head. KEEP LOOKING AT IT, SO WEIRD, ARE YOU TURNED ON YET?

The Nip and Tuck

Straddle his leg so you can rub against him as you go down on him.” (Because otherwise this position really isn’t about you at all.) “Ask him for input: if it gets to be too intense, just tuck his head back inside his foreskin and work from the outside.

Because uncut dudes are so sensitive they can barely walk around, let alone handle a bog-standard blowie.

The French Tickler

Uncircumcised dudes have an intact “ridged band,” the turtle neck-like wrinkly skin just under the head (waaay sexier than it sounds) that's naturally Ribbed For Your Pleasure. Take advantage of its magic powers by angling him just right inside you.

GAH. THIS BIT RIGHT HERE, NOT TRUE ON A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT LEVELS.

FIRST OF ALL, that ridged band isn’t really anything, once the cock is fully erect. The skin is a little loose, so it means that he’ll have a fun bit of slip and slide, but whoever is being penetrated isn’t going to feel one extra bump of difference. Secondly, those condoms that are Ribbed For Your Pleasure don’t work either. It’s some serious marketing bullshit.

THIRDLY (I know, how can you pack so much wrong in two sentences?!), there are no magical fucking powers to that ridged band, at all. They maybe bunch up a little when he’s hard, and then slip over the head of the cock when he isn’t. That’s it.

The Standing O

With both of you standing, prop a foot up on something for optimal access. Before going all in, he slides his foreskin over your clit, surrounding it and tugging gently, kind of like a tiny 'lil clit job. This is generally a sex act between two dudes (aka “docking”) but works with you too because it's such a sensitive area on both of you.

Here we have something for the bucket list, I suppose, but it sounds like a lot of trouble. He’s not going to be able to see your clit to wrap his foreskin around it. And some clits just don’t protrude enough to grab! But hey, hopefully the attempt will be fiddly enough to feel good.

The Wiggle Room

If the intact man in question falls into the uber-sensitive category, he may not need as much full-on thrusting and might prefer gliding thrusts while staying deep inside.

Don’t some circumcised men like this, too?

Maybe… all men are different? Mmmmaybe, instead of fetishizing an entire physical trait, you can just explore together? Then, possibly, your Sex Tips wouldn’t be so fucking Terrible.

*****

Ahhhh. I haven't run across truly Terrible Sex Tips in a while. I thought maybe writers were wising up! NOPE. As long as they're out there, I'll be right here, debunking them and ALSO doing my own writing and performing around sex, sexuality, and relationships. If you like what I do in that department, consider becoming a patron of mine on Patreon!

 

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