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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: New-Parent Sex Positions for When You’re Busy, Exhausted, or Both

As a self-identified slut and sex-aware writer/performer, I have to take a step back and acknowledge that there are sometimes down-sides to the sex-positive movement, at least the stuff that gets mainstreamed. One of the down-sides is:

You’re supposed to want sex all the time, everywhere.

Never mind the numbers of asexual people and celibate-by-choice folks for whom this is quite patently not going to be true. Even those of us with unusually high libidos will sometimes just Not Want It, by virtue of circumstance and/or personal feelings. In the world of Cosmo, that doesn't really exist.

Does anyone else look at this and think Toy Story 3? No? Just me? Okay.

This piece, with its frisky and vaguely tongue-in-cheek suggestions for sex positions when your child is sleeping in the next room and you’re too wiped out to do anything more than stick your hand down your panties, does kind of acknowledge that new parents will have it rough for getting it on. And the positions make sense for folks who are tired, for whatever reason (I for one have discovered a pretty good variation on position #2).

But the writer doesn’t give any space or consideration to the idea that new mothers can DEFINITELY NOT WORRY ABOUT THIS FOR A BIT. It assumes that women should work hard to snap back to sexual, in the same way that they can lose all of that baby weight pronto, if they just want to badly enough.

I feel like the extent of practical sex advice to parents should probably be “make out for a little bit if you can, see how that feels, you know, like, see if you manage to stay awake.” Yes, there are going to be people who want to go for it, but in general, as I understand it, having a child changes your life, and if you’re just not having a good time getting it on, it’s totally okay and not your fault, and you can ease up on yourself and your partner a little bit.

Trust Cosmo not to leave some respectful and understanding space, but to double down instead, taking on infant and early-childhood parenting as some kind of a sex challenge that needs to be worked around in cleverly named ways. In that spirit, I came up with some other really difficult times when you should be thinking about having sex:

YOUR DOCTORAL THESIS IS DUE IN THREE DAYS

Crunch Time. Hold your partner down on the floor between your legs in the study carrel at the library. Shhh!

Sleep No More. Get on your hands and knees while you’re finishing the bibliography. A swat on your ass each time you nod off. Exciting!

YOU’RE INTERVIEWING FOR AN APARTMENT

Push the Button. Lean against the elevator wall while your partner fingers you and shields you with their body, from both the door and the security camera that you already located. You did clock the security camera, right?

Test Drive. At the overcrowded open house, when the other couples are jamming the kitchen, take a moment to test drive the counter in the upstairs bathroom.

YOU’VE BEEN DETAINED AT HEATHROW AIRPORT AND ARE WAITING IN A DANK BACK ROOM FOR IMMIGRATIONS TO INTERVIEW YOU.

Footsies. How high can you take your naked foot before the guards notice? Seriously, I wanna know, because I’ve been there, in Heathrow Airport, and those fuckers are paying attention.

YOU’RE BOTH RECOVERING FROM FOOD POISONING

The Dandelion. Do a blow job the way you used to think they were done: blowing air at their junk.

Delicate Spoon. Sideways, carefully curled up, with the barf bucket by the side of the bed

See what I mean? Putting pressure on people to be sexual at all times… that’s kinda terrible.

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