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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “How to Kiss a Man so He’ll Never Forget You (According to a Guy)”

Sometimes I have no quibble with the actual sex tips in an article. I just can’t stand the delivery. Like this business:

I am an aficionado of the kiss. No other act is so simple and so intimate. The light suction, the flick of the lip, the playful nibble, the deep advance and retreat of the tongue — a good kiss is like jazz, an improvisation of melodies, flirtatious staccatos, and passionate brassy crescendos.

Too much pressure on the lips, get some nipping action in, but remember, if you leave bite marks on your finger, it's probably going to be too rough for the first time...

This piece, written by a man who clearly learned well the skill of padding school essays, is terrible for two reasons. First, it contributes to a culture of snobbery around sex acts; I’m all for learning how to do sex acts in a thoughtful way that pleases your partner(s), but there is such a thing as over-thinking.

Secondly, it’s precious as fuck. Some ways of writing about sex are a turn-off, and this dude’s ornate ode to making out with the fair ladies smothers a couple of decent points in a pile of almost creepy. I know he's got a topic, and he's got a word count to meet, but he focuses on the mouth with such extraordinary flights that his enthusiasm winds up looking at least partly forced; he doth protest far too fucking much. Over 1200 words on good kissing? TOO MUCH. Gimme a 150-word sidebar and a couple of cross-section kissing illustrations for semi-ironic emphasis.

The thing is, I want to like what he’s saying, because he’s got a few decent words of advice buried in the middle of all this make-out mansplaining. “A great kisser makes you feel like a great kisser.” That’s actually pretty good, sounds like something you’d see on that “Word Porn” account on FB, sounds deep. Not as deep as the writer’s first traumatic drowning-by-tongue incident was, but still, you know, whoa.

And it’s also great that he doesn’t want to hurt his partners’ feelings about their kissing technique. No one should feel shamed for doing things they don’t know they “shouldn’t” be doing, certainly not at the age of 14. But then he talks about deciding to teach people, and goodness, how generous he was as he stepped into the glorious golden light of his destiny: TO IMPART KISSING WISDOM.

Yes, kissing is like a conversation, like a dance, like jazz, all those artsy-fartsy metaphors, but I read your gushing and all I can think is, You love jazz, eh? How quirky of you! Do you also like fedoras? Does your current girlfriend like being called your “kissing conquest”? Do you enjoy that cozy glow of superiority as you gently, patronizingly demonstrate other options that those poor, unimaginative lovers of yours clearly knew nothing about?

The writer proposes that some people conceptualize kissing in the same unfortunate framework as penis-in-vag sex, e.g. the deeper and harder you get, the more powerful and heartfelt it is. He thinks this is a bad approach to kissing, and I would agree. I just wish he had said that about 500 words earlier in the piece and then wrapped it up. The tips aren’t terrible; it’s the writing and attitude that need work.

*****

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