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NOTES FROM A PHONE WHORE: fear, trust, and “extreme” kink talk

Sometimes our erotic imagination is where contradictions meet.

Who needs pre-fab visuals when I can make up a whole terrifying thing just about this?

For example, I hate horror movies. I mean, I can barely watch any grown-up movies with any violence at all, implied or depicted, never mind the really graphic stuff. And yet, when it comes to extreme violence, spoken aloud or listened to for consensual kink purposes, I’m all over it.

I didn’t start out that way. The first person who tried extreme kink talk with me, I had a full evening of background fear, of “oh my god, what is in this person’s brain?” That bit settled down over the course another few months in their company, when I continued to experience them as a well-rounded, upstanding person with a strong moral code. They didn’t ­actually want to suspend me from meat hooks. That was just a thing.

This experience, and other things I learned from hanging out with other kinksters, is what made it possible for me to do extreme kink talk in phone sex. I was never drawn to it for myself, but I knew that it was done and that people who had those fantasies weren’t acting on them out in real life. I might never get why they liked it, but it was just a part of their spank bank. (See Extreme Top and also the Strangulator.)

Tra la la la laaaa, look at me all cool and open-minded! I don’t have to like it, but I can help other people if they do. But meanwhile, I met people in real life, and we had real chemistry, like, really real chemistry. It turned out that we liked rough sex, and then it got a little rougher, to the point that we were discussing possibilities before the actual sex because extra consent precautions and negotiations felt important and necessary when things were getting that rough.

Those extra discussions began touching on stuff that absolutely would go against my hard boundaries (no permanent damage or disfigurement). It was back to the meat hooks, or similarly terrifying implements. And yet these times, I did not freak out, not even for a moment, because I knew better. I’d gotten some experience running those talk-based scenes myself during phone sex, so that I knew first-hand that one could go there and be absolutely sane. I knew that I could keep my boundaries in real life; I also knew in any fantasy land that I spun with trusted partners, I could play around and through those fantasies and still come out on the other side safe and satisfied.

I’m still trying to figure out why I like to play around with this particular kind of role play; a lot of it is the pure adrenaline rush. As I said at the beginning of this, I can’t stand horror movies, which seem to be how a lot of the adults I know get their thrills. I can’t do that, but I can go to similar places in my head (and save movie ticket or Netflix costs!).

But I was never drawn to the fantasies by myself, or with a relative stranger. Nope, it turns out that I only want that vilest, hardest-core kink talk with people I love and trust, people who have happily cuddled with me in the past and would be happy to cuddle with me again after we got done with our thrashy, violent, sharp-edged fun.

Trust is a coin with two faces, and my partners in “scary kink” can handle both sides.

*****

NOTES FROM A PHONE WHORE is a semi-regular series inspired by some of my previous work in phone sex. A reminder for those new to my blog: just because I write about doing a thing here doesn't mean I want to do it with you!

Also a reminder: I'M ON PATREON, so if you like the writing and performing and event hosting I do about sex and sexuality and sex-aware culture in general, you can SHOW YOUR LIKE by becoming a patron of mine over there. And also by sharing my work liberally! As a blogger who frequently writes about sex-related themes, my stuff is not openly shared on Patreon, so I rely on you, my readers, to spread the word.

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