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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “11 Ways to Have Naughty Sex—in Every Room of the House!”

Cosmo is aspirational living, from the fashion to the sex tips, and nowhere are you going to see it more than in this piece, about how to "christen" every room in your house.

More rooms than the Family Circus house on a weekday morning.

HOUSE. Not a flat, not a cramped condo, not a house that you’re sharing with three other people and one of you is in the living room without a closet because that’s what rents are like everywhere now. A house. This house apparently has a dining room, an office, a laundry room (with non-stacked washer and dryer), a staircase, and at least one bathroom, in addition to the usual kitchen and bedroom, but also a pool and a deck as well.

I live in Berlin now, where this kind of guide isn’t helpful in the slightest. It's not helpful for most urban dwellers d'un certain income brackets, so I rewrote it for you, with more realistic options.

The Kitchen Just Got HOT

It’s a galley kitchen, no room to move, let alone put a kitchen table and chairs in it, but don’t let that slow your roll! I’ve got two words for you: DILEMMA SADISM. Turn one of the burners on full blast, you know, the only burner that goes on full blast. Open the utensil drawer half way, and hold onto it. Straddle your legs wide (still wearing clothes, because you don’t know when your roomies might walk in), bend over, and have your partner fuck hard while you try to balance between slamming your fingers in the drawer or singing your elbow on the open flame. SO HOT.

Orgasmify the Office

Don’t have a desk, let along a home office? Let’s try something you can afford (warning: you’ll be stepping out into the real world for an afternoon). Take your partner to an overcrowded café, and have them do the labor to make space where you can get some online work done: Sorry, do you have wireless, can I get a rag to wipe up this coffee, is that seat taken, do you see an outlet? So humiliating. Watch them blush!

Do It on Whatever Outside Space You Have Access To

Chaise longues are for decks, both of which are for people with land. You have a rackety folding chair on a balcony that looks straight into someone else’s window. No sweat, here’s how you make that work: Have your partner lean against the wall, and then grind up on them with your booty while both of you stare into the lit window across the way and talk about how sad it is that they don’t have a balcony. Can you feel that smug wetness and/or hardness rising? Aw yeah, economic horizontal hostility is exciting as fuck.

Knock Boots in the Bathroom

No room in the tub for one person’s ass, let alone two? Don’t let that stop you from getting some porcelain-surrounded sexy on! Sit down on the toilet lid and finger or give them oral until a roommate knocks on the door and wonders what the hell is taking you so long. BONUS: your janky sink is right there, so you don’t even have to move to rinse your mouth out!

Lust Up the Living Room

Get up on an armchair and … okay, not that one, the armrest falls off all the time. Kneel down near the coffee table and put your… wait, but you need to move the pizza boxes first. Bend over the back of the couch … oh my god, COLD CRINKLY LEATHERETTE IS SO COLD against bare skin! Fuck hard and fast and silently in your favorite position, keeping your ears peeled for steps coming up the stairway outside. Oh, the adrenalin!

Get Wild in a Window

You could do it in a standing position while bending over the windowsill. Or you could crank it up a notch by leaving the blinds half closed, turning on the lights behind you, and doing shadow puppets until you’ve got a crowd outside or the neighbors call the cops! Bring out your giant teddy bear, find some sound effects on youtube, point the speakers at the window, and GO NUTS.

Create Passion in the Pool

Don’t have a pool? Don’t worry! Any position for pool sex is great if you’re in someone else’s pool. Keep an eye on your clothes and scout the escape route before you strip down and make a splash!

Be Bad in the Bedroom

Who needs vanities and full-length mirrors to add a boost to bedroom bumpin’? Thread the straps of a sex sling through the slats of your loft bed platform and start swinging! There’s more room down here than there is up there, and this way you won’t have to fumble your way down the ladder to post-coitally empty your bladder. Hooray!

Too exhausted from your three part-time jobs and multiple side hustles to fuck? Well, that's a different problem, and one that those original well-housed sex tips were too terrible to touch. I'm sorry, and I hope capitalism dies soon.

*****

I'm not trying to get a penthouse or anything. I'm just trying to keep a roof over my head while bringing my vision of sex-aware theatre, authentic storytelling, and snarky sex-tip take-downs to the world. You can help keep that modest dream alive by becoming a patron of mine over on Patreon.

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