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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “5 Bathroom Sex Positions That Will Wash All Your Stress Away”

I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS.

This week, I bring us back around to a particular kind of Terrible Sex Tips: the Reaching-For-It, which is not nearly as sexy as it sounds.

A Reaching-For-It piece lays out some positions that are surplus to requirements. It attempts to eroticize a location or an occasion that doesn’t need it in the slightest, in this case, the bathroom. Not the restroom of a nightclub or a bar—where people can and do frequently find themselves in need of some training to get the fucking they so urgently need—but in the bathroom of a residence, where presumably there are other rooms more comfortable, other surfaces less germ-laden.

If you find yourself and a possible sex partner in a bathroom and you absolutely must be doing it right now—perhaps at a party at someone else’s house—you will figure out what to do quickly, because there will be a line of other party guests waiting to get in and use the room in the way it was designed. If you have never yet done it in a bathroom, one self-consciously “cool” article with cheesy animated illustrations will almost certainly not convince you to try sex there, and if you just think about it a little, there are really good reasons WHY YOU SHOULDN'T.

The writer is wise enough at least to steer their readers clear of penetrative sex in the shower. (So many potential injuries, so little time!) But they place inordinate emphasis on the sink as scene and furniture for positions without discussing the need to know what kind of sink we're talking about.

For example, “The Plunger” is your basic standing doggie style, in which the recipient uses some piece of furniture as support for bending over and bracing oneself against the thrusts. But this position doesn’t merely involve horizontal force: the height of a standard bathroom sink is below waist level for most adults, and when push comes to counter-push, the bottom participant in this position will end up pushing down on the sink with substantial force. This is a problem for freestanding sinks, usually the older ones that are not sitting in a properly mounted countertop.

I don’t know about you, but I personally have loosened an old bathroom sink merely by leaning on it to inspect my teeth close up. I shudder to think what I could have done to that plumbing under the influence of sex-induced excitement.

(Also, “The Plunger” turns out to be NOT AT ALL anything related to an actual plunger, so maybe let’s rename that. If the writer’s goal is to get people to be adventurous, anything that is even shit-adjacent needs to be dropped right off the list, including, perhaps, a piece about sex in a regular residential bathroom.)

The writer mentions “The Selfie Stick,” something with foot on the sink, ass back, him with a vibe-assisted reach-around... I can’t tell if the partner in this position is supposed to be penetrating at the same time, which holy hell, I got a headache just thinking about those angles. Even if not, look at the front person in this situation: foot on sink, balancing under pressure. That piece of porcelain is going DOWN.

Oh, or just sit your ass down on the sink (?!? WHAT HAVE I JUST BEEN SAYING?!) and use a Waterpik as a mini shower head assistance on your clit. “Angle yourself over the sink and the water will just run down the drain.” HAHAHAH. I have a prediction for credulous readers, and it involves bent pipes, uncomfortably placed faucets, and/or someone’s face full of spray, and not in a good way.

Of course the toilet makes an appearance in the article, with reckless indifference to both hygiene and structural considerations (old toilets being notoriously unstable and sloshy-sounding). Yes, it’s kind of a throne, but it represents mastery over other life functions, NOT this one that you’re so wound up about at this particular sex-frenzied moment. Leave your porcelain goddess unmolested and take an extra seven steps out to your fucking kitchen chair, jeezus Christ.

If toilet sex is your thing, go for it, obviously. I have written more than one piece of Sidewalk Smut set in such locations. But I would be failing in my duty as a sex writer if I neglected to point out that any non-fantasy sex tips that don’t include potential property damage in their calculations are rather terrible.

*****

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