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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “What is the best way to have sex in an airplane?”

The best way, goodness. You’re asking someone who has never had sex in an airplane. The closest I’ve come was sex in a train compartment, once in a private compartment, and one time shared, both times awkward in their own ways.

Additionally, the Fuckbucketeer asks about “the best” without qualifying it. “Best” equals what, most orgasm-empowering? Least intrusive to other passengers? More intrusive? Least likely to get caught? What?

I hate to say it, but the most orgasm-empowering is when you've got enough money to have your own fucking private jet. Since that leaves the experience out for everyone without a lot of money, let's move on...

Next most orgasm-empowering is to have sex in an empty airplane, preferably in the first-class cabin, when you have lots of room and you know that no one is going to barge in. That experience is going to be limited to maintenance personnel, which is fine, because I bet they don’t have that many perks anyway.

Another possible option for having sex in an airplane is the baggage compartment, also while the plane is still on the ground. (It's been done, I'm sure of it.) I would also bet that a few airline attendants on long-haul flights manage a good time up in those overhead bunks, as long as they negotiate things ahead of time with their colleagues.

If you mean, sex in an airplane while it’s in the air with other passengers in it, then probably the long-haul flights are best, something longer than four or five hours, when you know that people around you will be shutting down for the duration and the cabin lights will probably be turned off for most of it. Those are the flights where you most likely will be able to slip into, and leave, a bathroom together.

(If you go this route, remember to be quick in there; there already aren’t enough toilets on a plane without you taking one of them out of commission for a few minutes of fun.)

Long-haul “dark” flights are also the ones where you might be able to best get away with shenanigans in your seat, under cover of a well-placed blanket. Do this ONLY if you are the only two people in your row; inflicting awareness of your finger-fuckery on other passengers is non-consensual and therefore ethically problematic, I feel. (See below.)

However you choose to make the attempt, have appropriate wipes and/or tissues at the ready for clean-up, and throw them away yourself, for fuck’s sake. Don’t make the attendants come in contact with them in any way: that is really not in their job description.

Guh. Obviously, you have to do the risk assessment for yourself, but I’m the one they ask, so here’s my verdict: sex in an airplane in flight is best not done at all, actually, unless you do have total first-class privacy OR you can get away with a bathroom moment, because no one on that plane is going to be able to get up and get away from your activities, once they become aware of what you’re doing. Are you really so sure that you can be that discreet, that no one will know? Yeah, right.

Someone will, and it’s not the same thing as being next to that couple in the park that starts making out. There is no getting away from it, for as long as that cabin door is locked. So, the best and most ethical way to have sex in an airplane is to keep it to the mental foreplay—dirty notes, listening to erotica together, etc—and then get down to the physical part once you have privacy again.

Sorry to be the one to say it, but if we agree that it's almost impossible to have sex on a plane without someone else figuring out what's going on, and if we further agree that bystanders to any public or semi-public sex must give consent, then airplane sex is, ethically speaking, off the table unless you get a fancy-pants first-class suite.

You are not going to implode if you have to wait until you get to your hotel room.

*****

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