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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “There Are 8 Kinds Of Female Orgasms — Here’s How To Have Them All!”

The frequent stimulation of the throat and experiencing these [throat] orgasms can lead to a better connection with your intuition and feminine wisdom, a deeper expression of your needs, creative and artistic abilities, and your higher potential.

When we regularly deep-throat our partners’ dicks, WE CAN BECOME BETTER WOMEN, HOORAY.

Yes indeed, there is much to thrill the Terrible Sex Tip fan in this article, and by thrill I mean creep you right the fuck out. For starters, it’s another article that makes orgasms feel like Pokémon: gotta have ‘em all!

Well, no, we don’t have to. We’re being told we should want them all, and should strive to have them all because… because... Guh, this is the part that makes me get all tin-foil-hat about a distracted populace being an essential part of late-stage capitalism. MOVING ON.

Let me say that I have had profoundly moving and mysterious experiences in sex. I have come just from squeezing my thighs together and listening to my partner talk on the phone. Mostly I just chalk that sort of thing up to the human mind being a strange and glorious place; I don’t feel the need to pin that down or replicate the experience.

I don’t mind if other people talk about chakras and light and transcendence. If that gives you something to meditate on, more power and blessings be on your sexual-spiritual adventures. But everyone I’ve seen writing for mainstream media about tantric practices, they can’t stop there. Like the writer of this article, they just keep going with what I consider unsubstantiated bullshit.

He makes a little bit of room in the piece for more obscure orgasms, like the nipple orgasm. “The nipples … are connected via energy channels to the clitoris.” Fuckin’ WUT. What energy channels? Nerve endings are real, and yeah, they are weird; I personally can make little sparks happen down there if I stick my finger deep enough in my belly button. (I don't do that anymore, but I did when I was eight. Don't judge me.) But I don’t assume that everyone has that same neurological bridge.

The author put something called a "urinary orgasm" in here. It’s relatively rare, he says. Just drink a lot of water and release it mid-fucking, he says. Put some towels down, he says. That’s called water sports, dude, and relief at getting to pee is not the same thing as having an orgasm.

In classic over-generalising style, the writer dismisses the clitoral orgasm as “shallow” and something to avoid whenever possible—“It just doesn't serve you and charge you like deep vaginal orgasms do,” fucking WAT. He then goes on to describe other types of orgasms that originate deeper into the cunt, with the orgasms supposedly getting correspondingly better until—surprise, surprise!—we reach the cervical orgasm.

Yes, that's the one that you “probably haven’t heard of,” the one that you can’t really have when you’re being a floozy and sleeping around, the one that requires you to fucking get pounded on your cervix… the cervical orgasm is the holy grail for many tantra people, based on what I've read. Like many an article about the cornucopia of female orgasms, this guy pretty cavalierly dismisses clitoral orgasms as being shallow compared to vaginal orgasms, and then vaginal orgasms are like an ephemeral breeze compared to the cervical orgasm.

Please, can you just let people explore themselves and not assign any inherent value to whichever methods and holes and dangly bits they like?

Speaking of holes, this writer went to a lot of effort to hit all of them. I will buy anal orgasms, because when someone is having a good time down your back alley, there’s a LOT going on, sensitive tissues moving back and forth, etc. But throat orgasms? The pleasure I get from deep throating is entirely from being in a certain subby head space, very little if any from the physicality of it, because the uvula is not a clit analogue. The author says there is a minor chakra back there that you can pound, er, stimulate, which he says results in a different orgasm. Don't worry if you start gagging, or “if some fluids come up. You’ll get better at it over time.” And you want this, yes you do! Because…. Wait for it…

“The frequent stimulation of the throat and experiencing these orgasms can lead to a better connection with your intuition and feminine wisdom, a deeper expression of your needs, creative and artistic abilities, and your higher potential.”

When we frequently deep-throat our partners’ dicks, WE CAN BECOME BETTER WOMEN, HOORAY.

To be completely honest, I should probably stop looking at any article that talks about tantra. I experience deep connections, but the spiritual shit sends me right up the wall. I’m sure there’s a way that people can write about those deep connections without COMPLETELY raising my hackles, but I haven’t found it yet. In the meantime, the mainstream articles are going out there, about getting past those cheap floozy clitoral orgasms and being smug about being BALLS DEEP IN SOMEONE'S CHAKRAS.

I mean, is that what tantra is all about? Spiritual deep-dicking? That's what I'm seeing out there, and that's what this article feels like. If not, then please, my tantric friends: get some other writers, maybe even yourself, to WRITE IT BETTER, because your current PR volunteers are not repping you well.

Also, if sex tips leave people feeling bad about the good things they already enjoy, those tips are not transcendent, they are Terrible.

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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: New-Parent Sex Positions for When You’re Busy, Exhausted, or Both

As a self-identified slut and sex-aware writer/performer, I have to take a step back and acknowledge that there are sometimes down-sides to the sex-positive movement, at least the stuff that gets mainstreamed. One of the down-sides is:

You’re supposed to want sex all the time, everywhere.

Never mind the numbers of asexual people and celibate-by-choice folks for whom this is quite patently not going to be true. Even those of us with unusually high libidos will sometimes just Not Want It, by virtue of circumstance and/or personal feelings. In the world of Cosmo, that doesn't really exist.

Does anyone else look at this and think Toy Story 3? No? Just me? Okay.

This piece, with its frisky and vaguely tongue-in-cheek suggestions for sex positions when your child is sleeping in the next room and you’re too wiped out to do anything more than stick your hand down your panties, does kind of acknowledge that new parents will have it rough for getting it on. And the positions make sense for folks who are tired, for whatever reason (I for one have discovered a pretty good variation on position #2).

But the writer doesn’t give any space or consideration to the idea that new mothers can DEFINITELY NOT WORRY ABOUT THIS FOR A BIT. It assumes that women should work hard to snap back to sexual, in the same way that they can lose all of that baby weight pronto, if they just want to badly enough.

I feel like the extent of practical sex advice to parents should probably be “make out for a little bit if you can, see how that feels, you know, like, see if you manage to stay awake.” Yes, there are going to be people who want to go for it, but in general, as I understand it, having a child changes your life, and if you’re just not having a good time getting it on, it’s totally okay and not your fault, and you can ease up on yourself and your partner a little bit.

Trust Cosmo not to leave some respectful and understanding space, but to double down instead, taking on infant and early-childhood parenting as some kind of a sex challenge that needs to be worked around in cleverly named ways. In that spirit, I came up with some other really difficult times when you should be thinking about having sex:

YOUR DOCTORAL THESIS IS DUE IN THREE DAYS

Crunch Time. Hold your partner down on the floor between your legs in the study carrel at the library. Shhh!

Sleep No More. Get on your hands and knees while you’re finishing the bibliography. A swat on your ass each time you nod off. Exciting!

YOU’RE INTERVIEWING FOR AN APARTMENT

Push the Button. Lean against the elevator wall while your partner fingers you and shields you with their body, from both the door and the security camera that you already located. You did clock the security camera, right?

Test Drive. At the overcrowded open house, when the other couples are jamming the kitchen, take a moment to test drive the counter in the upstairs bathroom.

YOU’VE BEEN DETAINED AT HEATHROW AIRPORT AND ARE WAITING IN A DANK BACK ROOM FOR IMMIGRATIONS TO INTERVIEW YOU.

Footsies. How high can you take your naked foot before the guards notice? Seriously, I wanna know, because I’ve been there, in Heathrow Airport, and those fuckers are paying attention.

YOU’RE BOTH RECOVERING FROM FOOD POISONING

The Dandelion. Do a blow job the way you used to think they were done: blowing air at their junk.

Delicate Spoon. Sideways, carefully curled up, with the barf bucket by the side of the bed

See what I mean? Putting pressure on people to be sexual at all times… that’s kinda terrible.

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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “6 places you can have sex when you’re home for the holidays”

Every so often—like every other week—I read a sex tips column that has clearly been written for a very, very specific audience, and that audience ain’t me, but I don’t know it right away, because they write as if, “Duh, everyone knows this is the way things are!” Only we don’t all know it, and that disconnect makes me feel like a clueless idiot for just a split second, before I snap out of it and realize, no, actually, the problem is that the writer is an insular, privileged posh nob.

In the case of this week’s Terrible Sex Tips, I don’t know fully 75% of what they are talking about, because they are talking to a whole internet full of people who still get wound up about family shit. I have so many questions about this approach!

“No matter how old you are, there's something about having sex in your parents' house that makes you feel like a kid again. For one, you still have to hide it — because, you can't get caught! It's illicit. You're breaking the rules. And as a result, it can actually make the entire process pretty hot.”

Wait, why do you have to hide it? You mean, hide it like no one can know that you are a sex-having individual? No sex in the living room with other people around? That seems sensible. Are there other rules? If you still have to leave the bedroom door open, even if you and your spouse have been married for years, then you have other problems. Deal with those first, before strategizing about your next fuck session.

“And going home for the holidays will almost undoubtedly make you feel like a kid again. … It all just transports you back to a time when life was simple, unfeathered (sic) and wholesome.”

What is this mythical time when life was simple, unfeathered (I suspect she means unfettered), and wholesome? Who the hell is she kidding? Teenagers’ lives are entirely fettered, until they have a chance to get OUT.

“Back to that getting caught thing, although you won't get grounded this time, it's just as awkward should you get found out.”

Why does this writer think it must be awkward? Is your family very conservative, with the echolocation skills of bats? Do your parents live in a traditional Japanese house or other places with thin walls? Is this the sixth person you’ve brought home as your “significant other” in the last year? Because seriously, there is no reason why grown-ass adults in acknowledged relationships shouldn’t be banging away properly in a proper bed, if they want. Or an air mattress, or a futon on the floor. Lock that door. If there’s no door, then you know, you could try to keep it in your pants for four days and make homecoming, to your own home, that much more exciting. No? You gotta get laid? All right then, let’s see what the author says about:

1) Your childhood room

"This doesn't even necessarily have to be on your childhood bed. It can be on the floor, preferably on the side of the bed that's obstructed from view. If you do opt for the bed, just make sure to get rid of any stuffed animals. Creepy."

What’s creepy is if your parents haven’t taken that childhood room and immediately turned it into an office or a painting studio or a dungeon. Or moved out of that oversized family home into a cheaper condo in a neighborhood where they don’t have to care about how good the school system is.

2) The attic/basement

"Let me specify, this is for those homes with somewhat built-out versions of these. Because let's be honest, a tryst in a crawl space could be dangerous... although you would by lying down already. Same goes for basements; bonus points if you have a ping pong table you can utilize for this non-ping pong purpose."

Attics and basements always will have splinters or loose tufts of insulation, just FYI. And ping-pong tables, those edges, man, don’t be daft.

3) Your car

"Let's bring it back to high school, guys and gals! Here's the best part: when you don't have to use your car as a sex vessel, like you did when you were actually living under your parent's roof, an impromptu tryst in one can actually be fun. Maybe even have car sex right before your previous "curfew" to really get back into character."

When you don’t have the actual urgency to find a place to have sex—when you could actually have sex in your proper bed-type location—then trust me, car sex isn’t that appealing. Its only appeal is when it is the only option.

4) The laundry room

"It's perfectly legitimate to want to do some laundry when you're home, and maybe while you're waiting for your clothes to dry, you can just hop up on top of it and enjoy your own little spin cycle."

Laundry room?! Who has a laundry room any more? Are you living in the Brady Bunch house? What the hell?

5) Your favorite secluded spot

"Everyone had this place in their home town — the abandoned parking lot where you would throw back Natty Lite's before high school pep-rallies... or that one spot in your yard that can't be seen from any vantage point, and therefore was the perfect place to make out with your junior high boyfriend."

Someone has been watching Grease too many times. "Pep rallies"? Those "secluded spots" were all built over years ago. And again, what kind of posh yard do your parents have where you can just get lost in it?

6) Your parents' room

"Come on... you know you've always wanted to."

Um, no? I was just curious about the bookshelves. If you've always wanted to, that's worth mentioning to your therapist.

If you don't have a therapist, here's my non-Terrible Sex Tip: get one, or write in a journal. Learn how to talk with your parents and set boundaries. Do whatever it takes to get over the obvious charge that your childhood home and family dynamics still have in your life, and do it before you go back and do any fucking.

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