» Humor

$300 for grass seed?! (post-orgasm humor from one of my guys)

camerynmoore — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 15:41:54 +0000

One of my regulars, he’s not particularly notable for the elaborateness of his fantasies, but every time we talk he always has a new sex joke to tell me afterward. Some people smoke a cigarette after, he tells jokes. And they’re not mean bigot or rape jokes, either, which is a refreshing change from the open mic scene. The jokes Ron B. tells are kind of what Readers’ Digest would run if they had a regular joke page called “The Birds and the Bees”. Or maybe what your awesome great-uncle would tell out by the fire pit when your mom steps away for the marshmallows and he’s had two beers too many. Here’s the first installment!

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There’s a new salesperson at the department store who’s learning the ropes. His manager repeatedly tells him how important add-ons are for increasing sales. “The next customer who comes through the door, I’ll help him, and you watch how it’s done, ” she says.

So the next customer comes in and says, “I need five pounds of grass seed.”

The manager says “Right away, sir.” She goes out, finds the bag of grass seed, sets it on the counter and says, “That’ll be $300.”

The customer is stunned. “300 dollars for five pounds of grass seed?!”

“No, that’s 5 dollars for the grass seed, and $295 for the 7-horsepower lawnmower you’re going to need after all the grass comes up.”

The customer looks thoughtful and then says, “you’re right!” and he pays and leaves.

“I think I understand,” says the newbie salesperson. “The next customer who comes in, I’ll help them and you see if I’ve got it.”

A few minutes later a woman comes up to the counter. the salesperson says, “Good morning, ma’am, may I help you? ” the customer says, “I need a box of regular tampons.”

The salesperson says “Right away.” He goes out into the store, and comes back and places it on the counter and says, “that’ll be $298.”

The customer’s jaw drops. “298 dollars for a box of tampons?!”

“No, the tampons are $3, and then $295 for a 7-horsepower lawnmower. Since you’re not going to be doing any fucking for a while, you might as well mow the lawn.”

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I love it. Thanks, Ron!

How do they find me? Let me count the ways.

camerynmoore — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 22:11:04 +0000

Wordpress, which provides the template and underlying functionality for my blog, has a nifty little feature on its stats page, whereby I can see what search terms people used to find my site. I did that yesterday, and was … delighted? bemused? confused?… by the results. After removing the 28 terms that involved some variation of “cameryn moore”, here’s what I got:

(the numbers after indicate how many times those search terms were searched)

cuckold 12

naked comedy showcase 4

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“naked comedy showcase” 2

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mean cuckoldress audio 1

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toilet play phone sex 1

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“shit pig” degradation 1

“force feeding” toilet mistress 1

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“dom couple” toilet slave” 1

phone sex script intros 1

mommyfuckers.com 1

toilet slave magazines 1

information on toilet slaves 1

he’s my toilet slave 1

toilet slave feeding 1

only horny ass worship show. blogroll 1

cream pie cuckold 1

adult toilet play 1

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A few things come clear for me after reading this list…

- Lot of people looking for cuckolding resources. Hey, guys! Rather than look online for cuckold phone sex and wife-swap communities, it might be easier and cheaper to just sexually neglect your wife and take her to a swingers club! Oh, wait, fantasy… that’s right, this is fantasy… right?

- I have to start up a subsidiary audio erotica company called Mean Cuckoldress Audio (”unapologetically not yours”).

- How about that whole toilet thing, huh? I think I … uh… excuse me, I need to go take a leak.

The phone-sex casting call you’ll never see

camerynmoore — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:53:52 +0000

Supporting actors, extras, and tech crew needed for no-taboo phone sex fantasies. On call around the clock, must be available at moment’s notice for random sexual acts and fetish work. You will be taking artistic direction from both the director and the male lead; in cases of conflict, male lead’s decision is considered final. Currently accepting applications for the following…

Big Black Studs. Pitchers only, able to keep it up for women and men with rapid recovery time. Successful applicants will have double-digit equipment. You will be provided with your own fluffers and clean-up crew, whether you want it or not.
Hot Wives. Convincingly insatiable, anal experience required, indiscreet to outright flaunting. Must supply own wardrobe of barely street-legal club wear. Bonus if you have or are willing to get a tattoo of a spade on your upper thigh.
Horny Mothers-in-law. Ages 50 to 65, most body types acceptable, but you will get more work if you have the body of a 30-year-old and the vocabulary of a sailor. Some mother-daughter incest required.
Bi-curious Best Friend. Pitchers only, any race, ages 30 to 45, well hung (8 inches or over), open WRT porn and beer preferences. Candidates with prep school and/or Boy Scout background encouraged to apply.
Kinky Bi Babes. Ages 21 to 23, size 0-4, mid-length to long hair only (any color). Acrobatic or contortionist experience recommended, proven multi-orgasmic capacity, shaved pussy preferred. No speaking required.

Tech crew positions include

Wardrobe/makeup specialists with open mind for MTF transformations.
Animal wranglers (experience with horses, ponies, dogs)
Riggers for rope suspension work, some CBT and chandelier-swinging.
Lighting tech to maintain rosy glow for incest scenes.

No testing, no protection, no health insurance, just the satisfaction of joining an imaginary team dedicated to providing the best fucked-up fantasies in the biz.