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There’s a new salesperson at the department store who’s learning the ropes. His manager repeatedly tells him how important add-ons are for increasing sales. “The next customer who comes through the door, I’ll help him, and you watch how it’s done, ” she says.

So the next customer comes in and says, “I need five pounds of grass seed.”

The manager says “Right away, sir.” She goes out, finds the bag of grass seed, sets it on the counter and says, “That’ll be $300.”

The customer is stunned. “300 dollars for five pounds of grass seed?!”

“No, that’s 5 dollars for the grass seed, and $295 for the 7-horsepower lawnmower you’re going to need after all the grass comes up.”

The customer looks thoughtful and then says, “you’re right!” and he pays and leaves.

“I think I understand,” says the newbie salesperson. “The next customer who comes in, I’ll help them and you see if I’ve got it.”

A few minutes later a woman comes up to the counter. the salesperson says, “Good morning, ma’am, may I help you? ” the customer says, “I need a box of regular tampons.”

The salesperson says “Right away.” He goes out into the store, and comes back and places it on the counter and says, “that’ll be $298.”

The customer’s jaw drops. “298 dollars for a box of tampons?!”

“No, the tampons are $3, and then $295 for a 7-horsepower lawnmower. Since you’re not going to be doing any fucking for a while, you might as well mow the lawn.”

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I love it. Thanks, Ron!

So what chaps my fat, queer ass when I talk in public about doing phone sex is not what people may think about me. It’s what they think about my clients.

“So what’s the weirdest call you’ve ever done?”

“It must be hard talking to losers all day.”

“So all those freaks, huh? Scary!”

This is part of my inheritance, as a visible, activist-type sex worker in a society in which sex is simultaneously revealed and reviled. I get to publicly defend the honor of my clients, and by extension the clients of any phone sex worker ever, because most callers sure as shit won’t do it for themselves. And by go-go-Gadget super extension, I’m defending the sexual freedom and honor of my audiences as well.

They need it. Don’t you see? It’s a statistical certainty that in any co-ed or male-dominated crowd that I am speaking to, at least one or two of the guys have called phone-sex lines, and probably enjoyed it. It’s even more certain that in almost any mainstream bar or club crowd, a MAJORITY of the people listening, of all genders, have fantasies that they have never told anyone about, like the calls that I mention in my routines. So when they demonstrate their diss, and start making comments or assumptions about how freakish and loser-y my callers must be, my hackles rise. I  want to hug them and slap them at the same time. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Projection is not just making sure people can hear your voice.

You get me? Because my clients are definitely part of the privileged mainstream: they have valid credit cards, and regular jobs, and normal-sounding voices–at least until they start calling me Mommy or Mistress. They at least know where to go to get their sexual ya-yas out. My regulars have a discerning ear, they like what I offer. They talk about their turn-ons, or at least say “Oh, YEAH!” when I hit their buttons. They are fuckin’ horndogs, some of them. They are shy. They feel guilty, or they feel great. Their fantasies are “crazy”,  or  vanilla, or some neopolitan mix depending on the day.

In short, they are you, dear Mainstream Audience.

So when I answer your questions with some side-stepping comment, not the wild voyeuristic freakshow response that you want; when I don’t give you a joke that ends with a punchline like, “… and then his mother walked in and asked him what he wanted on his sandwich”; when I look out at you from the stage and talk about my clients without ridicule or malice… I’m doing it that way out of respect for them and their sexual freedom. And, though you may not know it or want to claim the gift, I’m doing it for you, too.

You’re welcome.

We can be seen on the first Wednesday of every month of at Improv Boston at 10 PM. Admission is $10

This Wednesday will be headlined by Chris Flemming, and I’m going to be making my comedy–and naked performance–debut!
Start Time: 22:00
Date: 2009-10-07

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Why naked? Partly because I want to start making a name for Cameryn, in a town and performing community that knows me almost entirely by another name. And partly I want to get used to taking enormous risks on stage.

Why comedy? Because my life has only gotten weirder ever since I started doing phone sex, and this seems like one more way of really finding and articulating that weird.

If you’re in the Boston area, come out and say hi!