My phone sex tip sheet is going to be a little different on the surface–it’s such a different line of work, after all–but you can see that the take-away idea is the same: I’m a skilled worker, doing my best to get you off. Respect me.

Okay, so how do you respect me? Here are some good starting points:

DON’T TRY TO GET OFF TALKING TO THE DISPATCHER. That is not in her job description. She is going to be irritated, and believe me, you want to keep her on your side.

ANSWER THE PHONE PROMPTLY. Unless your wife just walked in or you are finishing up that enema, don’t make my call go to answer machine. I know you’re ready. We just talked to you. Oh, and next time? Finish the enema first and then call.

DON’T CALL IN WONDERING WHERE WE ARE. I don’t think this is a double standard; it’s just an occasional glitch in any service industry. Occasionally calls can run over (see below), or we have to run take a leak between calls, anything can happen. Wait for a bit before you call out the SWAT team, otherwise you’re just tying up your phone line and ours.

SAY WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. I think 70 percent of the time wasted in phone sex is because the caller can’t just spit it out. If it’s your thing to have to have the truth forced out of you, as part of a humiliation sequence, that’s all right (the dispatcher already told us). Otherwise, say it. We have mad listening skills and intuition, and the tropes are pretty obvious, but we AREN’T psychic.

DON’T ASK TO MEET ME. It’s never going to happen. Other girls have done it? Fine, you should ask for them next time. Oh, wait, you can’t. ‘CUZ THEY WERE FIRED.

DON’T PUSH TIME LIMITS. If you are using a service that sells blocks of time, we will tell you when there are 2-3 minutes left. In my experience, that is plenty of time to wring it out. And don’t get pissy when we hang up at a minute over. We get in trouble for this shit, okay? And it backs things up for other callers (see above).

SAY THANK YOU AND GOODBYE. Maybe you’re of the opinion that you’re paying for this call, and you can be a rude bastard if you want. That’s fine. I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to the guys who want to know they’re getting quality attention from their PSO. Seriously, fellas. Three words make me feel more human, and that means I’m going to feel more invested in the encounter. You’ll sense the difference next time, trust me.

Hey, my PSO people! Got any other tips for callers using phone sex services? Drop ‘em here!