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ADVICE FROM A PHONE WHORE: four quick ways to step into a new-to-you role

Before I did phone sex for a living, I would have told you that I didn’t have a dominant bone in my sexual body. Didn’t want it, and didn’t think I could do it. But then I started phone work and I had to learn it, because that’s what women with my kind of voice (“mature”) get slotted into with phone sex.

Fortunately for me, I discovered a few approaches that worked to get me in that head space.(Read about some of my early domme strategies here.) Fortunately for you, these approaches work for any kind of role play. So if your partner wants to try something that just “isn’t you,” give these a shot to help get you there:

Take traits that you already have and BLOW THEM UP. Really push it out to extremes. As I mentioned in the linked post, I found that some of my clients really enjoyed it when I would get super articulate on their ass, teasing them, fencing with my words. It was one of my favorite fem-dom things to do, because it wasn’t really removed from my usual self so it was easy, and if a challenge ever did come up, I could respond well because I was really grounded in my own self.

Find some traits that you don’t have and PLAY. These could be psychological traits or just facts. Are you a nice girl in real life? Try on being a Steel-Toed Bitch for a night; really let loose with some viciousness. Are you a sub with a slutty streak but not a stitch of bad-girl clothing to your name? Take some time with your dom/me to describe your fantasy wardrobe in excruciating detail. 

Get or give information in character. Start your playtime before the playtime starts by getting in some kind of character before asking your lover for details. If you are the boss, have the conversation about what you want to do, while your lover is in a computer chair and you are sitting on the desk above them. If you are a slutty house-wench in the queen’s castle, pull your blouse down a heap and try talking with your face always downcast.

Respond to uncertainty in character. If you’re playing a student in a role-play game, and you don’t understand what your teacher dom/me is asking you to do, ask for clarification as if you actually were a student: ask for permission to speak, maybe raise your hand, make sure to use the correct form of address. Stay in character!

Of course, you should deal with the important details—safe words and who has the bedroom with the thickest, most soundproof walls—before the scene, face to face, as two consenting adults. But once you’ve gotten that stuff down, you can learn and internalize the ropes surprisingly quickly if you just step into it and calibrate your exact shade of role-play both to your own personality AND to the character itself.

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “how do I get this glitter out of my cervix?”

The quandaries of festival sex: HOW DO I GET THIS GLITTER OUT OF MY CERVIX???!!!

If you’re having painful penetrative sex post-festival, and you feel pretty sure that extreme intra-vadge glitter is the culprit, I would get thee to a doctor and ask for their opinion. My general understanding is that vaginal douching is a terrible thing—it would just push glitter further up, for starters, and irritate the membranes—but I imagine that it might be medically necessary in some specific instances, and the doctor would be able to advise on best practices, if not actually do the procedure for you.

If you’re NOT in pain, and you’re just worried that every time you wipe after peeing you’re getting glitter on the TP, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. Burlesquers and strippers have been living with glittery bits for ages. A well-functioning vagina has mucous that will keep the glitter moving along.

This question made me think of all of the other challenges of festival sex, and what are some preventative measures that festival-goers should take:

  • MUD IN ORIFICES (or playa dust, for Burners). This is kinda unavoidable, when you’re doing the deed out in nature. However, you can minimize the impact by reducing the exposure of your fucking area to the elements (e.g. a tent) and keeping a wash cloth or sponge and a bit of clean water aside to wash up before and after, whatever your bits are. If you have a good way to keep your garbage together, there are wipes for before/after that work. I will say that the idea of having certain kinds of sex, like butt sex, out in festival conditions makes me feel a little queasy—like there is no way to be as clean as I need to be—but you do you, darling. Just remember that you’re not going to have running water anywhere near you.
  • Drink enough water for a number of reasons, not the least of which is keeping your pussy in proper working order (natural lube!). And normal pounding sex can be exhausting under normal conditions, never mind when you’re tired and hungover and layering more booze or drugs on top of that.
  • 99 percent of festival goers the world over agree: clothes are a pain in the ass when it comes to fest-sex. They get in the way, and if they don’t get lost or left in a stranger’s tent, they get juicy spots on them that are not going to smell or look nice after 72 hours of not washing. Consider going commando, and definitely pack in skirts, whatever your gender, if you know you want to be fooling around. Skirts or kilts are the ultimate easy-access sex attire.

Y’all, these are clearly a very specific set of circumstances that I will, god willing, never be in again (I went to Burning Man in 1999 and 2001). I am not a neat freak, but I do like a shower nearby for freshening up as and when needed, and that is not something one can really expect at a festival. So all I can say, when I look at the issues of glitter vadge and spoogy fest clothes is: good luck, and isn’t that the sort of thing you like to tell stories about anyway?

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “I want to get more involved in kink event, but I’m too anxious”

I want to get more involved at kink events, but I'm too anxious and self-conscious. What can I do to ease myself in?

It’s not clear from this question if today’s fuckbucketeer means involved, like, being on the senior prom committee or involved like getting their frequent flogger card stamped at the local dungeon, but both interpretations call for more or less the same approach, with a bit of fine-tuning.

If "involved" here means getting to play more, or feeling more comfortable about showing up at active kink events and getting some action, then we can turn to the last fuckbucket for the answer. That advice-seeker wanted to know how to find the fun events in the first place, and my main point was simple: it’s very difficult to find play on its own. You can't just insert yourself into a sex party without knowing people non-sexually first.

The more connections you have with people—real, person-to-person connections—the easier it is to be aware of play environments and be invited into them. Show up at the munches regularly, make a deal with yourself to talk to the people on either side of you at the pub table (give yourself a reward afterward, too!), participate thoughtfully in online discussions… these are just a few ways to get more involved in and connected with the kink community or communities where you live.

Once you have made the connections and gotten into the kink events, those awkward feelings will still come up. If you’re not used to public kink—and most of us aren’t, at first—you will not know where to look. This is okay. Many dungeons have orientation sessions, and some kink communities offer workshops, for new folks. General etiquette: don’t stare too much, don't touch without asking, and if you see a person whose look you like, just talk with them for a few minutes and then pop the question.

Now, if you’re talking about getting involved in the kink community in a more social sort of way, like wanting to get “into the club,” the same basic rules apply. You need to have people get to know you as a person. Show up and don’t worry about whether anyone is going to want to get with you.

Other things you can do:

Volunteer your ass off. Be of service. Pick an event that you are curious about, and check out volunteer opportunities. If they don’t have anything listed on the web site, just drop them an email. Offer for positions that you have skills in, or even in areas where you want to develop skills (sound equipment or dungeon safety or whatever). Bonus: this is also a great way to get into an event for a reduced rate or for free!

Skip that whole “fashionably late” game. The times when I’ve tried that, I just ended up feeling more lost, because everyone else had already met and were already getting their game on. Get there on time, and ask what you can do to help, because even experienced party hosts will have last-minute party crises.

Put down your phone. I know. It’s difficult. At kink events like play parties, probably phones aren’t allowed out beyond the cloak room anyway. But even at munches or other non-play events, if you are looking to make connections with people, you have to be present for them.

Find the other people by themselves. You will not be the only one feeling self-conscious. But if you make yourself a social director with an assignment—talk to other soloists for a few minutes a piece—it will a) feel like you’re being useful and b) take you out of your own misery for a little while. And part of what feels awkward for me about being at events is the idea that other people will see me off by my lonesome and they will think I’m a loser. (I know, sometimes we are still in high school.) But if you are out there talking to people you’re not alone.

NOTE TO THE REGULARS AT THESE EVENTS: See how people stress out about this shit? Make it easier on them: be welcoming, introduce people to other people, let new folks help. Even if your kink social awakening was effortless, be aware that not everyone’s is. Most people’s aren’t. Besides, socializing new folks well is one of the ways that we can help make kinky community safer and more awesome for everyone, ourselves included.

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “how does one get invited to a sex party?”

How does one get invited to/find out about a sex party?

Step 1
Network your ass off, that is, make friends with people who might throw sex parties, or who know about sex parties. Don’t make friends with them only because they might be party-throwing- or knowing-about perverts; that is super exploitative and creepy. But if you are feeling like everyone in your current circle of acquaintance might judge you if you mentioned anything about going to such a party, now might be a good time to broaden your friendship networks a bit.

Best places to meet these people are munches or sloshes: social gatherings for kinksters. Generally munches are held in places that aren’t focused on booze, and sloshes are held in pubs and bars, etc. Just about any online swing/kink site will have some kind of listings for this, but Fetlife.com is the first place I would recommend for finding munches. Like most communities online, it has lots of assholes, creeps, and people pretending to be people that they aren’t. However, when you drill down into the places category, the regional and city groups on Fetlife are pretty reliable ways to find people in your area.

There will be announcements about munches, as well as… wait a minute, there are some sex parties listed here, too! You could just skip the munches and head straight out to the parties, right?

WHOA THERE, BUCKEROO. You could just go to the sex parties and the monthly dungeon play parties, just pay your money at the door or buy that membership or whatever. But you’re going to show up at those things and not know anyone, and you’re still gonna feel left out of the loop. Take it from me: being a wallflower at a play party, when you really want to play, is one of the worst kinds of wallflower to be.

Step 2
Take the time to get to know people in your community first, even if, hell, especially if you don’t want to have sex with them or flog them or anything. Munches or sloshes are good, as are workshops at dungeons or local sex toy stores. If you’re lucky enough to have a sex/sexuality convention or sex-geek convention within easy traveling distance, that’s a bigger step to take, but you will definitely have the opportunity to meet lots of people at once, if you’ve got the personality to handle all of that interacting.

Step 3
BE CHILL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Don’t get all wrapped up in finding this party that you want so bad. The right party will emerge when you are putting in the effort to socialize properly and you’re ready for it, whether it’s a commercial dungeon or a hotel room orgy at a con, or a Cards-against-Humanity game that went right off the rails.

In the meantime, do not keep pestering your new-found friends about whether they know of any sex parties. Do not have that be the only question people see you posting about on the private FB group. Do not ask that question continually at munches. This shit is creepy; don’t do it. Asking everyone the same question over and over—“do you know where the party is this weekend?”—makes you like one-track and desperate, and that is not an attractive look on anyone.

Generally, people want to meet and befriend other people who have at least a little bit of a personality. You want to show that you are capable of being entertaining and friendly, because most sex parties have a lot of downtime and you want to show your potential hosts that you can do more than suck dick or make happy porno noises.

Step 4
Go ahead and check out the commercial offerings that are out there. Again, Fetlife regional groups will frequently have posts for the clubs and dungeons in those areas. Whatever else you do, I encourage you to go with someone you trust, whether that's a partner or a friend. And do the research for these clubs before you get there. Different parties, both private and commercial, have different codes of conduct; some allow only non-penetrative BDSM-oriented play, others are fine with whatever. Most have some sort of dress code to follow as well. DO YOUR RESEARCH.

Finally, I want to put out there a radical Step 5:
Talk to your existing friends about your interest! Maybe not everyone, maybe only one friend. This might feel scary, but listen: if you are not in the habit of talking with your friends about your sex life, you have no way of knowing what their sex lives are like, either. They may have a monthly Groupon for orgies! Or their friend may be the dungeon master at the play party down the road. You don't know unless you put yourself out there a little. Again, you gotta be chill and not just dump it on unwilling listeners; that way is truly Creepville. But if you have people in your friend circle already who you feel are already close enough for this conversation, give it a shot. You really never know.

Good luck!

*****

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “Do threesomes live up to the fantasy?”

Do threesomes live up to the fantasy?

Short answer: they can, but often don’t.

Long answer: Ooh boy.

Without any context or background knowledge—the anonymity of the Fuckbucket being mostly, but not entirely, a blessing—I do not know exactly what threesome fantasy we’re talking about here. Threesome fantasies vary, depending on the orientation and fucking style of the person doing the fantasizing. There's no one threesome fantasy, and some of them are probably more achievable than others.

Like, I personally have fantasized for at least a decade about being spit-roasted (two dicks, at least one belonging to a cis guy), with other combinations of genitals being at most half as interesting to me. In my experience and current network, though, it's not that easy to find cisgender dudes who both like pussy and are actually okay (as in, keeping-hard levels of okay) with more than one dick in the room. Conversely, I’m not sure if as many straight men fantasize about it as our collective sex consciousness would indicate, you know, two hot bi cis ladies converging hungrily on that magnificent cock , but… yeah, I’ve heard enough guys talk about it to know that the number is statistically significant. AND AT THE SAME TIME, we bi women are all over the place, but we're not automatically down with that particular configuration. No, not even for you.

Setting logistics aside—which you actually can't—I suspect threesomes succeed or go south for the same reasons that two-person couplings do: communication, or lack thereof. However difficult or scary it is for two people to "use their words," trying to get three or more people on the same page is exponentially more so.

The problem is that people really deconstruct the fantasy all the way to the base. It’s not just getting two babes of your preferred gender mackin’ on your hot body and on each other. We develop a lot of our fantasies from pop culture, and Hollywood would have us believe that sex happens organically, maybe with some extra drinking**, but definitely with a minimum of talking. According to that manufactured fantasy, negotiating sexual encounters is awkward and makes for boring scripts. Sexy times are supposed to just EMERGE, ruffling the white gauzy curtains and turning on some lovely rose-coloured lighting on their way in.

And also, sexy times are supposed to just drift away afterward. I suspect that a lot of people, in any constellation of coitus, don’t deal with post-coital feelings very well. With established couples inviting a third in, there’s the strong potential of jealousy, plus that third person feeling maybe a little left out. With solo or otherwise non-hierarchical folks setting up the scene, perhaps that reduces the possibility of feeling threatened in one’s existing relationship, but…

I am not the person to answer this question. I’ve tried threesomes exactly four times. Only once did the mechanics actually work out, but even in that case I felt a little manipulated, like I was doing it to please my partner at the time more than for my own pleasure. The rest of the cases were either insufficiently communicated, or poorly planned. I do not have what I would consider a truly successful threesome under my belt.

I suspect that threesomes can live up to the fantasy, but you have to be hella good communicators, all three of you, before, during, and after.

** (In actual fact, I would suggest that booze complicates threesomes. It might feel easier, while you’re flirting and chatting and pushing annoyed party-goers off the couch, but you might be muddying the waters of real consent and not be making the best decisions at that moment.)

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “How can I encourage my partner to look at me during sex?”

I have a new partner who is pretty shy during sex. She likes it to be dark and usually has her eyes closed. How can I encourage her to look at me/make eye contact?

First of all, thank you for using the word "encourage"; that is a solid and constructive attitude to take with one’s sexual partner(s) and new behaviors or activities. You can’t spend too long “persuading” or “convincing” someone before you discover yourself embroiled in an argument about butt sex (this is usually the area that people try persuading).

OR what I think is worse, the person who is the target of all the persuading finally just gives in because they don’t want to keep having the same tedious discussion. Now you’ve got someone whose consent is less than enthusiastic, if not actually coerced, the idea of which should leave you with a serious limp/dry case of the heeby-jeebies.

Authentic encouragement is a good tactic, in other words. But what does that look like, in this case?

Let’s get a sense of perspective first. From your question, I am to infer that you like sex to be well-lit, and you like to have your eyes open. That is the way you like it. Let’s just put these out there as two different ways to have sex, neither of which being inherently more enlightened or liberated than the other one. They’re just different ways of doing it.

Also, your sexy times are still new. You and your partner are new to each other, maybe still feeling a little hesitant or unsure. Maybe this is how she is at the beginning of a new thing, and then as she gets more comfortable with you she will be okay with more visible sex.

BUT ALSO: how much eye contact does anyone actually have during sex? I mean… real assessment time. Even if you take out all the times when you can’t make eye contact because hello, roadkill! (!r, that’s a flattened doggy position) and you take out the positions where your partner is too far away for you to make meaningful eye contact without your glasses on… even if we just focus on cis-het missionary with your faces no more than 18 inches apart, how much eye contact do people have? I personally really enjoy watching my lover, but sometimes I need to close my eyes because I’m concentrating on a sensation or there’s a fireworks display happening on the backs of my eyelids, or I’m having such a good time that if I actually saw his beautiful face in the middle of all of it I might implode.

So. The question here is … how much and what kind of eye contact are you looking for? Is it even eye contact that you're talking about, or something else? Like, is the dark bothering you because you don’t think she’s looking at you, or because you want to be able to see her? Does she make eye contact with you when you’re talking? Some people just don’t do eye contact that well.

I think there’s some fun experimentation to be had here with blindfolds and daylight and intimate conversations and carefully paced afternoon make-out sessions. However, you need to answer those questions first. And not just you, but the two of you. Have a little conversation, where you tell her what you like and want, and invite her to tell you. Keep a curious, open-minded attitude—stay encouraging, and open to whatever result comes out of it—and I hope y’all will find a way to let some light in.

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Unexpected conversations about surprise kinks: a brief survival guide

A common question that I get about my time doing phone sex is, “Did you ever get stumped on a call?” That is, did I ever get a call for something that I knew nothing about or otherwise didn’t know how to handle?

The answer, of course, is “yes, but I still had to take the call.” (See this past blog post about cuckolding for one of my first such glitches.)

That’s the main thing about doing phone work for a company: you can’t really flail or go silent or be overtly shocked or otherwise fail on a call, because the dispatcher will be listening in, especially when you’re a newbie. If you end up getting a complaint or the caller hangs up on you—out of frustration, not because they came, and yes, you can tell—you are going to get another call immediately, one that doesn’t even start with a “hello.” The dispatcher will go straight to “what the hell was that.” Just one of Those Calls is enough to have you scrambling to keep up and stay cool the next time you get a request that you don’t understand.

In one sense, that scrambling desperation underscores how different phone sex for pay is different from dirty talk and other sexy times in a partnered, unpaid relationship. Callers can and do drop some seriously random shit on their PSOs, and we just have to deal with it, in a way that non sex workers don’t. Couples can and should be having conversations online or in person about things they like and are curious about.

But since the human imagination is vast and colorful and surprising, and even broad daylight and earnest intent are not always enough to insulate you from psychological flail, it helps to be prepared. With that in mind, I’d like to offer you a few tips on what to do if your partner brings up A Thing that you know nothing about.

  • First of all, DO NOT PANIC. Your partner is not going to hang up on you. They are probably more scared of your reaction than you are of feeling like a fool.
  • Stall for time if necessary with simple non-committal exclamations, like “huh” or “wow,” uttered casually but with some interest.
  • Ask all the clarifying questions you want! “What do you like about that?” or “How does that make you feel?” or “Is [some character in their fantasy] wearing something special?” Again, keep your inflection in check. You are not interrogating them, you are doing important information gathering.
  • Thank them for trusting you with this information, and if you feel like you need to do more research before you talk again or act on this, say that, something along the lines of “I’d like to find out more about this, so that I really understand it. The way you talk about it makes me intrigued.”
  • Do the research. Fetlife.com is a fine repository of both erotica and discussions around all kinds of kinks. You can also google the kink + “erotica” or “fan fic”.
  • Notice recurring phrases or motifs as you do your research. Those represent more common “hot buttons” in the kink, and are probably good information to bring into further discussions.

Most of all, take your time. You have lots of it. You’re not on the clock, not really. You don’t have to get them off in an hour. You can have the conversation(s) and do the reading, and you will come back together all the better for the wait.

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “My new girlfriend is so much hotter than me, that I don’t believe she likes me as much as she obviously does”

My new girlfriend is super into me and vice versa. However, she is so much hotter than me, so I’m finding it hard to believe she likes me as much as she obviously does. How do I deal with this?

Oh, my dearest Slammer. I am familiar with your struggle; I would venture that the majority of people in partnered relationships are familiar with it at one point in their lives or another. It is a real thing, to be aware of prevailing standards of “hotness” and to live with that pointed aching feeling that you don’t rank very high in them.

Will it help when I tell you that, even though your feelings are real, the standards aren’t? By that I mean, the standards aren’t objectively real. They have the power they do because people believe that the standards are objective and universal.

There are plenty of evo-psych studies that would seem to testify to the notion that certain physical qualities are attractive across the board, in all cultures throughout time. Such qualities usually involve physical traits that suggest fertility and child-bearing capacity in women (e.g. that old waist-to-hip ratio), strength in men (chin and jaw and broader shoulders), and genetic health in both (symmetry).

But all of that is just so much dusty, retrograde dissertation when you can look around you IN REAL LIFE—not pop culture or the media, that shit’s a fucking wasteland for body diversity for both individuals and couples—anyway, look around you on the street and you will find plenty of examples that people see all different types of people hot enough to shag, date, live with, marry. One person’s “meh” is another person’s “OMG INTRODUCE ME TO THAT DUDE IMMEDIATELY.”

In fact, as an exercise, I encourage you to spend a little time consciously people-watching, say, at a mall or movie theatre, and specifically focused on (obviously) romantic and happy couples. Just observe who is with whom; look at their different body types or faces or styles. If you find yourself judging them, like “what does she possibly see in him?” simply note that thought and set it aside. Think of this as both meditation and affirmation, and also a way of filling up your visual databank with something other than what you see on the big screen or the entertainment rags, for evidence of what types of people are worthy of love.

(Also, go check out what Dr. Nerdlove has to say on this subject right here!)

Oh, and by the way, you’re doing one other thing right already: you understand that this is your challenge to deal with, not your girlfriend’s. You say she is obviously into you, so there’s probably nothing else she could say or do right now to convince you any further. Underneath concerns about the other partner being more conventionally attractive, there almost always are fears that the person will leave you for someone “more in their league.” This is also an understandable fear. People sometimes leave. Relationships do end, but they end for lots of different reasons, and we’ve already established that societal standards are not absolutes, and so “leagues” is a shit concept.

You don’t want to play by those rules, darling. You want to keep playing the way you apparently have been, where she finds you hot and you find her hot. Whatever you’re doing, it’s working fine. Go out and watch other couples of all sorts being happy, and know that, when you’re out there with her, someone else may be watching you and enjoying the fuck out of your happiness.

Every Friday I answer in detail a question received in the Fuckbucket at a previous Smut Slam. If you want to get your sex or relationship or life question answered, GO TO A FUCKIN’ SLAM. Or, send me a question at littleblackbookproductions@gmail.com

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “How many dates before you bring out the strap-on?”

“How many dates before you bring out the strap-on?”

Lovely Fuckbucketeer, let me put one thing out there first: surprise strap-ons are never the way to go. Anything penetrative and/or dick-shaped is usually going to be a strongly individual preference or anti-preference, shall we call it. I’m sure you were speaking metaphorically, and not advocating slipping your detachable penis into the action without checking first. I just want to make sure that my readers understand this too.

Anyway, once we take stealth dick out of the equation, when you introduce your willy depends on two things:

  • How do you define “dates”?
  • How important is the strap-on to your sex life?

If by “dates,” you mean more traditional courtship, like coffee dates and dinner-and-a-movie dates, maybe a snog on the couch or whatever, then you would wait until you’re having one of those important conversations, about wanting to have sex with each other and oh, shit, that’s on the table now, we need to sort out a little about what we want to do to each other.

Whether you have sex on the first date or wait six months, you should still eventually have a conversation, either online or in person, about what kind of sex you want, ideally before you actually get down to fucking. This is the time to bring up your sweet, sweet harness of hotness. If strap-on sex is more of a sometimes treat for you—the frequency depending on how much your partner digs it, if at all—it’s okay to wait until you’re a little further along, but again, talk first, don’t just strut out of the bathroom wearing it.

Alternately, try the ol’ sex-toy tour approach, and include the harness and dildo(s) as part of that tour. Pour a couple of glasses of wine, or make up some lovely hot chocolate, get comfortable on the sofa, and take turns cracking open your toy boxes! (Obviously, you’ll have wanted to double-check that everything is clean and well-stored before you display it like that). Even if your partner doesn’t go straight for the strap-on, you’ll find that a little bit of show-and-tell with your toys makes it easier to talk about the options. Take turns telling anecdotes, maybe dry-demonstrating anything that the other person hasn’t seen. This is possibly the best way to share your strap-on proclivities, or really any proclivities that involve particular object: showing off the object itself, and not in action.

If the strap-on is extremely important to you, as in, you never have sex without it, your best bet for dating would be environments where it is acceptable and appropriate to mention your strap-on right up front: sex- or kink-focused dating apps or web sites, queer orgies, after-hours room parties at sex-ed conferences. Put it in your bio for those environments, hell, take some strap-on selfies so that you’re not even going to have to worry about counting dates before letting people know; people will just know. This way you can be sure that you are attracting only people who like to receive strap-on action, and you can avoid at least one potentially awkward conversation about your silicone shlong.

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