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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “Do threesomes live up to the fantasy?”

Do threesomes live up to the fantasy?

Short answer: they can, but often don’t.

Long answer: Ooh boy.

Without any context or background knowledge—the anonymity of the Fuckbucket being mostly, but not entirely, a blessing—I do not know exactly what threesome fantasy we’re talking about here. Threesome fantasies vary, depending on the orientation and fucking style of the person doing the fantasizing. There's no one threesome fantasy, and some of them are probably more achievable than others.

Like, I personally have fantasized for at least a decade about being spit-roasted (two dicks, at least one belonging to a cis guy), with other combinations of genitals being at most half as interesting to me. In my experience and current network, though, it's not that easy to find cisgender dudes who both like pussy and are actually okay (as in, keeping-hard levels of okay) with more than one dick in the room. Conversely, I’m not sure if as many straight men fantasize about it as our collective sex consciousness would indicate, you know, two hot bi cis ladies converging hungrily on that magnificent cock , but… yeah, I’ve heard enough guys talk about it to know that the number is statistically significant. AND AT THE SAME TIME, we bi women are all over the place, but we're not automatically down with that particular configuration. No, not even for you.

Setting logistics aside—which you actually can't—I suspect threesomes succeed or go south for the same reasons that two-person couplings do: communication, or lack thereof. However difficult or scary it is for two people to "use their words," trying to get three or more people on the same page is exponentially more so.

The problem is that people really deconstruct the fantasy all the way to the base. It’s not just getting two babes of your preferred gender mackin’ on your hot body and on each other. We develop a lot of our fantasies from pop culture, and Hollywood would have us believe that sex happens organically, maybe with some extra drinking**, but definitely with a minimum of talking. According to that manufactured fantasy, negotiating sexual encounters is awkward and makes for boring scripts. Sexy times are supposed to just EMERGE, ruffling the white gauzy curtains and turning on some lovely rose-coloured lighting on their way in.

And also, sexy times are supposed to just drift away afterward. I suspect that a lot of people, in any constellation of coitus, don’t deal with post-coital feelings very well. With established couples inviting a third in, there’s the strong potential of jealousy, plus that third person feeling maybe a little left out. With solo or otherwise non-hierarchical folks setting up the scene, perhaps that reduces the possibility of feeling threatened in one’s existing relationship, but…

I am not the person to answer this question. I’ve tried threesomes exactly four times. Only once did the mechanics actually work out, but even in that case I felt a little manipulated, like I was doing it to please my partner at the time more than for my own pleasure. The rest of the cases were either insufficiently communicated, or poorly planned. I do not have what I would consider a truly successful threesome under my belt.

I suspect that threesomes can live up to the fantasy, but you have to be hella good communicators, all three of you, before, during, and after.

** (In actual fact, I would suggest that booze complicates threesomes. It might feel easier, while you’re flirting and chatting and pushing annoyed party-goers off the couch, but you might be muddying the waters of real consent and not be making the best decisions at that moment.)

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “How can I encourage my partner to look at me during sex?”

I have a new partner who is pretty shy during sex. She likes it to be dark and usually has her eyes closed. How can I encourage her to look at me/make eye contact?

First of all, thank you for using the word "encourage"; that is a solid and constructive attitude to take with one’s sexual partner(s) and new behaviors or activities. You can’t spend too long “persuading” or “convincing” someone before you discover yourself embroiled in an argument about butt sex (this is usually the area that people try persuading).

OR what I think is worse, the person who is the target of all the persuading finally just gives in because they don’t want to keep having the same tedious discussion. Now you’ve got someone whose consent is less than enthusiastic, if not actually coerced, the idea of which should leave you with a serious limp/dry case of the heeby-jeebies.

Authentic encouragement is a good tactic, in other words. But what does that look like, in this case?

Let’s get a sense of perspective first. From your question, I am to infer that you like sex to be well-lit, and you like to have your eyes open. That is the way you like it. Let’s just put these out there as two different ways to have sex, neither of which being inherently more enlightened or liberated than the other one. They’re just different ways of doing it.

Also, your sexy times are still new. You and your partner are new to each other, maybe still feeling a little hesitant or unsure. Maybe this is how she is at the beginning of a new thing, and then as she gets more comfortable with you she will be okay with more visible sex.

BUT ALSO: how much eye contact does anyone actually have during sex? I mean… real assessment time. Even if you take out all the times when you can’t make eye contact because hello, roadkill! (!r, that’s a flattened doggy position) and you take out the positions where your partner is too far away for you to make meaningful eye contact without your glasses on… even if we just focus on cis-het missionary with your faces no more than 18 inches apart, how much eye contact do people have? I personally really enjoy watching my lover, but sometimes I need to close my eyes because I’m concentrating on a sensation or there’s a fireworks display happening on the backs of my eyelids, or I’m having such a good time that if I actually saw his beautiful face in the middle of all of it I might implode.

So. The question here is … how much and what kind of eye contact are you looking for? Is it even eye contact that you're talking about, or something else? Like, is the dark bothering you because you don’t think she’s looking at you, or because you want to be able to see her? Does she make eye contact with you when you’re talking? Some people just don’t do eye contact that well.

I think there’s some fun experimentation to be had here with blindfolds and daylight and intimate conversations and carefully paced afternoon make-out sessions. However, you need to answer those questions first. And not just you, but the two of you. Have a little conversation, where you tell her what you like and want, and invite her to tell you. Keep a curious, open-minded attitude—stay encouraging, and open to whatever result comes out of it—and I hope y’all will find a way to let some light in.

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “Watching/being watched?”

Watching/being watched?

Such a seemingly simple, seemingly binary question to pull out of the Fuckbucket a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of the moment, with fifty people laughing, I went straight for the answer that made the most immediate sense. Watched, of course. I want to be doing, I said. I want to be throwing the goddamn party, or at least be an integral part of it.

But it’s not that simple, this question and sex, the sex that I like to have, at least. Yes, I want to be watched, but whoever is doing the sex with me, their watching me is the most important. And yes, I want to be watched, but you best believe I have my eyes open at least part of the time, and that a good part of my pleasure is gained from watching my lover watching me, an echoing eyeful of erotic bliss, an “I-know-you-know-I-know-you-know exactly how much I love this” moment.

Watching, you see, is not a passive thing. Those of us in live performance know this, that the quality of observation can be quite different between two people sitting right there in the same row. One person is seeing you only. You may be shimmying or orating or slamming down a prop right there and they are seeing that happen, but it’s a surface sense, a passive view. They won’t remember 30 minutes after they leave the room what you were doing. And then the other person. They’re seeing you, too, but they’re watching as well, actively engaged. They may be leaning forward, even, craning to hear every word, and you can see in their reactions, their facial expressions, that they are right there with you.

Before I understood the different kinds of viewing energy in theatre, I knew about them in sex. Or maybe it was sex performance. Here, let me explain:

When I used to go around to the Power Exchange in San Francisco—when I lived two and a half blocks away and it was an easy walk over, even in high heels—I would occasionally climb up into a sex sling in the basement areas and masturbate, separated by a chain-link fence from a stream of mostly naked humanity. I was new to kink and fetish, and newly discovering cock, and this just seemed like a good, safe way of getting to explore a bit of both.

Even in the dim basement lighting, I could mostly see the men who stopped to jerk off in front of my “station,” and mostly they were just staring right into my cunt, seeing that display, watching my fingers move. I liked this okay, but I was always looking for someone who could manage to set up a visual connection, eye-to-eye, without words AND while tracking all the activity happening in that sex sling at once.

These people could watch my face, gaze into my eyes, and then tear away from the eye contact to look back at what my fingers. And I in turn could see their cocks get harder as they jerked it, seemingly transfixed, for the moment, by my pussy pounding activity. But they always managed to tear themselves away, look back into my eyes, see me get excited and then that in turn, back and forth, watching and watched… only a handful of people of the hundreds who passed me during the eight months i hung out at the Power Exchange ever stepped into that connection, but it was beautiful when it happened, so I didn’t mind the rarity.

Watching/being watched?

Actually, now that I think about it, I want both.

*****

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “My new girlfriend is so much hotter than me, that I don’t believe she likes me as much as she obviously does”

My new girlfriend is super into me and vice versa. However, she is so much hotter than me, so I’m finding it hard to believe she likes me as much as she obviously does. How do I deal with this?

Oh, my dearest Slammer. I am familiar with your struggle; I would venture that the majority of people in partnered relationships are familiar with it at one point in their lives or another. It is a real thing, to be aware of prevailing standards of “hotness” and to live with that pointed aching feeling that you don’t rank very high in them.

Will it help when I tell you that, even though your feelings are real, the standards aren’t? By that I mean, the standards aren’t objectively real. They have the power they do because people believe that the standards are objective and universal.

There are plenty of evo-psych studies that would seem to testify to the notion that certain physical qualities are attractive across the board, in all cultures throughout time. Such qualities usually involve physical traits that suggest fertility and child-bearing capacity in women (e.g. that old waist-to-hip ratio), strength in men (chin and jaw and broader shoulders), and genetic health in both (symmetry).

But all of that is just so much dusty, retrograde dissertation when you can look around you IN REAL LIFE—not pop culture or the media, that shit’s a fucking wasteland for body diversity for both individuals and couples—anyway, look around you on the street and you will find plenty of examples that people see all different types of people hot enough to shag, date, live with, marry. One person’s “meh” is another person’s “OMG INTRODUCE ME TO THAT DUDE IMMEDIATELY.”

In fact, as an exercise, I encourage you to spend a little time consciously people-watching, say, at a mall or movie theatre, and specifically focused on (obviously) romantic and happy couples. Just observe who is with whom; look at their different body types or faces or styles. If you find yourself judging them, like “what does she possibly see in him?” simply note that thought and set it aside. Think of this as both meditation and affirmation, and also a way of filling up your visual databank with something other than what you see on the big screen or the entertainment rags, for evidence of what types of people are worthy of love.

(Also, go check out what Dr. Nerdlove has to say on this subject right here!)

Oh, and by the way, you’re doing one other thing right already: you understand that this is your challenge to deal with, not your girlfriend’s. You say she is obviously into you, so there’s probably nothing else she could say or do right now to convince you any further. Underneath concerns about the other partner being more conventionally attractive, there almost always are fears that the person will leave you for someone “more in their league.” This is also an understandable fear. People sometimes leave. Relationships do end, but they end for lots of different reasons, and we’ve already established that societal standards are not absolutes, and so “leagues” is a shit concept.

You don’t want to play by those rules, darling. You want to keep playing the way you apparently have been, where she finds you hot and you find her hot. Whatever you’re doing, it’s working fine. Go out and watch other couples of all sorts being happy, and know that, when you’re out there with her, someone else may be watching you and enjoying the fuck out of your happiness.

Every Friday I answer in detail a question received in the Fuckbucket at a previous Smut Slam. If you want to get your sex or relationship or life question answered, GO TO A FUCKIN’ SLAM. Or, send me a question at littleblackbookproductions@gmail.com

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “How many dates before you bring out the strap-on?”

“How many dates before you bring out the strap-on?”

Lovely Fuckbucketeer, let me put one thing out there first: surprise strap-ons are never the way to go. Anything penetrative and/or dick-shaped is usually going to be a strongly individual preference or anti-preference, shall we call it. I’m sure you were speaking metaphorically, and not advocating slipping your detachable penis into the action without checking first. I just want to make sure that my readers understand this too.

Anyway, once we take stealth dick out of the equation, when you introduce your willy depends on two things:

  • How do you define “dates”?
  • How important is the strap-on to your sex life?

If by “dates,” you mean more traditional courtship, like coffee dates and dinner-and-a-movie dates, maybe a snog on the couch or whatever, then you would wait until you’re having one of those important conversations, about wanting to have sex with each other and oh, shit, that’s on the table now, we need to sort out a little about what we want to do to each other.

Whether you have sex on the first date or wait six months, you should still eventually have a conversation, either online or in person, about what kind of sex you want, ideally before you actually get down to fucking. This is the time to bring up your sweet, sweet harness of hotness. If strap-on sex is more of a sometimes treat for you—the frequency depending on how much your partner digs it, if at all—it’s okay to wait until you’re a little further along, but again, talk first, don’t just strut out of the bathroom wearing it.

Alternately, try the ol’ sex-toy tour approach, and include the harness and dildo(s) as part of that tour. Pour a couple of glasses of wine, or make up some lovely hot chocolate, get comfortable on the sofa, and take turns cracking open your toy boxes! (Obviously, you’ll have wanted to double-check that everything is clean and well-stored before you display it like that). Even if your partner doesn’t go straight for the strap-on, you’ll find that a little bit of show-and-tell with your toys makes it easier to talk about the options. Take turns telling anecdotes, maybe dry-demonstrating anything that the other person hasn’t seen. This is possibly the best way to share your strap-on proclivities, or really any proclivities that involve particular object: showing off the object itself, and not in action.

If the strap-on is extremely important to you, as in, you never have sex without it, your best bet for dating would be environments where it is acceptable and appropriate to mention your strap-on right up front: sex- or kink-focused dating apps or web sites, queer orgies, after-hours room parties at sex-ed conferences. Put it in your bio for those environments, hell, take some strap-on selfies so that you’re not even going to have to worry about counting dates before letting people know; people will just know. This way you can be sure that you are attracting only people who like to receive strap-on action, and you can avoid at least one potentially awkward conversation about your silicone shlong.

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Strap me on, baby, I'm rocket-powered! And when you become a patron of mine over on Patreon, YOU ARE MY FUCKING FUEL.

From the Fuckbucket: “having sex in a playground and people start watching?”

Welcome to "From the Fuckbucket," my newest experiment in blog subseries, in which I respond more fully to anonymous questions deposited in the Fuckbucket at Smut Slams.

When spring rolls around, Smut Slammers’ minds naturally turn to outdoor sex. I was glad to see that even the UK follows the trend, witness the question From the Fuckbucket this week:

“What are you doing when you are getting it on in a playground and suddenly five people are watching you?”

If the Fuckbucketeer was just looking for a definitional response, of course the answer is “you are putting on a free show, when possibly you should be charging and/or live-streaming this shit.” But I took this question to mean “what do you do when this situation happens to you,” like, an advice-seeking question.

What you do depends on a number of factors. What time of day is it? If night time, feel free to keep going, Just know that this is not a sex club, and there is no dungeon monitor wandering around to make sure that spectators are keeping a safe and respectful distance. (If it’s daytime, you should not be on that playground anyway, and those impressionable youths are rightly confused about who is blocking the climbing bridge. Get out of there before the recess monitor shows up.)

It’s up to you whether or not you want to overtly acknowledge the presence of witnesses. Smiling and inviting them over seems like an invitation to disaster; you don't know them! Potential play partners at least warrant the care of a coffee date, in my opinion. And I mean, as fraught with risk as a simple pairing is for sex in a playground—splinters! clanging chains! Cold metal oversize bolts digging into someone’s ass cheeks—I can only imagine the perils multiplying with each additional person thrown into the mix.

Assuming the people watching aren’t cops, which you can’t actually assume, even if they don’t immediately swoop in and bust you (cops are perverts too, probably at a higher rate than the general population)… anyway, assuming that they aren’t going to bust you, and that you were able to keep going under that sort of spectator pressure, I would opt for ignoring them, really acting like you don’t see them. Let them preserve the illusion that they’re just innocent bystanders who happened to stumble into such a shocking scene. They have a good story to tell, you don’t have to say bye or shake hands afterward… it’s just a lot easier all around.

Playground sex pro tips:

  • Mandatory checkpoint: Seriously, HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT THIS? Think about this, always, for public sex play that is just Out There in the World. In most jurisdictions, you could wind up as a sex offender for public indecency. Hot is hot, and a criminal record is not.
  • Check for cameras, and avoid well-lit spaces. It’s not just the actual eyes you can see that you should be worried about.
  • Always bring a jacket, even if it’s 85 degrees outside at midnight. You will want to have something between your ass and a world of splinters.
  • Consider the easier sex positions, or just keeping it to dry humping (clothes on, with lots of friction). Not having to adjust your pants leaves you with maximum deniability.
  • If you were doing anything required condoms, fucking be a responsible adult and take the used condoms with you. Seriously. Tie a knot in it and put it in your pocket until you get to a bin, otherwise you are the reason that playgrounds get locked up at night, ruining it for the rest of us.

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From the Fuckbucket: “How Deep Is Too Deep?”

Welcome to "From the Fuckbucket," my newest experiment in blog subseries, in which I respond more fully to anonymous questions deposited in the Fuckbucket at Smut Slams.

Fuckbucket questions always lack context, but they’re normally a little more specific than this week's: "How deep is too deep?" I could have answered a question about whether women can orgasm from anal sex, but no. I gave my Facebook family a chance to choose between those two questions, and they chose the one that is practically philosophical. <deep breath> So. Here goes:

It’s too deep when you’ve lost your grip on it.

It’s too deep when you have to go to the hospital to get it back.

It’s too deep when you weren’t prepared for how vulnerable you might feel talking with this person about your first love, and you need a few seconds staring in your too-strong party drink to swallow back your tears.

It’s too deep when you feel something pop that doesn’t normally.

It’s too deep when the pressure gauge says it is, and yes, I know you want to go swimming after that beautiful octopus and the water is warm and you’re feeling fine after 30 years of work, here on your first post-retirement vacation, you just want to go for it, I know, but the dive instructor is swimming after you now, so trust me, it’s too deep.

It could be too deep when you go too fast, when you just plunge in with whatever, your cock or your finger or that snazzy new penetrative sex toy, you just go in, even with lube, odds are good that it’s too deep.

It’s too deep when you draw blood and didn’t mean to.

It’s too deep when you can’t see the bottom of the lake and you don’t know how to swim.

It’s too deep when you can see the bottom of the lake and you’re getting dizzy from it.

It’s pretty damn deep, if you feel like you might pass out from how awesome it is, but you don’t because you can lay your head down on someone else’s body and get some grounding before you carry on with the party. Stop before someone passes out, because that’s too deep.

It’s too deep when you put the fencepost in and it’s only sticking out of the ground, like, 14 inches. Put some of that dirt back in, you’re never going to keep the neighbor's sheep out of your yard like that.

It’s too deep when one standard recipe of pie crust, rolled out to the correct thickness, doesn’t line it all the way. You can probably patch it with scraps, but you might have some problems with cooking the filling all the way through. I recommend that you talk to your neighbour and maybe borrow their pie pan, because yours is too deep.

It’s too deep when everyone else’s eyes glaze over. I mean, it’s too deep for them, because they’re all pretty drunk. It’s not too deep, generally. Don’t worry about it, hon, you’ll find a man who can keep up. Maybe we should stop going to bars to look for boyfriends.

It’s too deep when the person you’re trying it with says your mutually agreed-upon safe word, when they say stop, when they say no, when they say, WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT STOP STOP STOP.

If you want to go deep, but not too deep, go slow. Check your progress frequently. Check in with anyone else involved. Edge in, or get someone who’s already done it to tell you enough that you feel safe. There is no shame in not doing something because you’re scared. Going too deep can be painful, weird, awkward, time-consuming, and in a few cases and depending on what you’re doing, fatal.

Going deep, though, that can be amazing.

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