Tagged Terrible Sex Tips
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The headline was problematic, so when I saw that this piece was authored by a “Dr.”, well, I HAD to do a background check. Dr. Cadell has a doctorate in Human Behavior from Newport University, which is pretty much an online diploma mill, as far as I can tell from the web site. She’s affiliated with some reputable sex-ed programs, although I don’t know in what capacity. She’s got a list of media appearances as long as an average-sized third leg. And she writes like a church lady on ecstasy. Who talks about becoming your husband’s mistress anymore? I’m pretty sure that went out in the ‘70s, which THANK GOD. I mean, LOOK AT THIS TERRIBLE SHIT:
1) Look good for him and for yourself.
I’m all in favor of dressing up. If you’ve got the closet space, go on and bring out your sex play costumes as often as you like (although how a pair of high heels “enhances his sense of sight” is a mystery). But this expert is not encouraging him to play dress-up. She doesn’t even mention him changing his underwear, never mind putting on a pair of high heels. She suggests the apron-only outfit “when serving him breakfast in bed.” Way to fold a couple of subby stereotypes into one! Oh, and this: “Getting dressed up is also a great way for a woman to get into a juicy frame of mind after a rough day at work or exhausting time with the children.”
<insert angry emoticon here>
2) Flirt with your husband.
Start by giving him a physical compliment daily and touch him when he least expects it.
I get that it’s easy to take your partner for granted, but … why does the woman have to be doing all of this? Why can’t they sit down and agree to hit on each other in a more egalitarian fashion? One tip from this section points out the basically anachronistic tone of this whole piece: “squeeze his butt playfully just before he leaves for work.” Right. But what if you are also a money-earner? What if you’ve got presentations all this week and your slide shows are crashing? What about the kids screaming about the choice of cold cereal this morning? If “your man” is regularly down in the trenches with you, then yeah, he deserves a butt squeeze. Otherwise, fuck him.
3) Make dates spontaneous.
But then the writer goes on to say, “Make it memorable by recreating some of the dates you went on before you got married.”
Are you kidding? Those dates early on in the relationships can be some of the highest prep-to-outcome events ever! Here, she addresses that by putting the responsibility for picnic-ordering and site selection in the woman’s hands. Again.
4) Be adventurous.
What is adventurous here? The woman making the first move. Reading 50 Shades of Grey to each other. Taking a class at the writer’s own online Loveology University. “Adventurous” is relative, and this tells you everything you need to know about the author’s scale.
5) Don’t ambush him with complaints.
Men want their wives to be happy, so the last thing they want to hear about after work is complaints about all the things that went wrong in your home.
WUT. This item is LOADED with seriously retrogressive phrasings:
- let him feel like a king
- if he can’t fix a problem, he might feel emasculated
- communicate positive things
- don’t “ambush” him
- “he probably doesn’t want to hear about your shopping spree.”
RULES FOR SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE AS DRAWN FROM SIXTIES SITCOMS.
6) Play into his fantasies.
Yeah, but she follows that up with a warning list: Men’s sexual fantasies are generally more sexually explicit, more physically arousing, about objects of desire, more likely to specify sexual acts, more visual in content and more likely to contain details about physical appearance. Unlike women’s, which are all satin sheets and chocolate and curtains blowing in the night breeze?
7) Ignite your passion to fuel his fire.
When you please yourself, you automatically please your partner because he does not want to work at giving you pleasure and quite frankly it’s not his job anyway.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. Warm yourself up, because men are lazy slackers. Since when should giving pleasure be a “job” for anyone but sex workers? Oh, right. Since forty years ago, and apparently still today.
The takeaway from today’s post? Honorifics and letters around a person’s name cannot save those sex tips, if they are truly terrible.
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This article starts off with the following:
“Sex is hot. But wouldn't it be even hotter if sex could make you, well... hotter?”
GARRRRGH. BODY-POSITIVE SEX ACTIVIST HULK SMASH.
Everyone knows what “hotter” means here—thinner, more toned but not too muscle-y—which, you know, only makes me want to take that idea and kill it and then cook it for 10 hours with some garlic and eat it on a soft taco. That is the ONLY way I am ever going to swallow the concept of objective hotness: when it’s dead and made tasty with guacamole and sour cream.
This article makes subtle use of one particularly terrible motif in mainstream sex tips: introducing feelings of self-loathing in the act of sex. Yes, you may be getting laid, but you could definitely stand “to get hotter,” because everyone could and everyone should want to. You may be knocking hotel headboards off the wall with the hottest, nastiest sex of your life, but don’t get too confident there: you are NOT HOT ENOUGH.
And then our puritanical origins pop up. Why do we want to keep making sex “useful”? Why do we need to keep finding excuses to be doing it? I’ll tell you why: because we are not hot enough to deserve hot sex. WE HAVE TO SUFFER FOR IT.
I already shredded an article very like this last fall, so I don’t want to spend too much time on this iteration. It brings back many of the same positions—planking, yoga bridge, standing—and adds in lunging for a bonus round of exercises that should never be performed on top of your lover.
Lunging! You know what I’m talking about! One foot forward, the other leg extended to the back, and then you just do that and hopefully get low enough that your bits will get tickled in some meaningful way. Your partner’s dick would have to be SUPER LONG in order to get anything good from this. Or you will have to lunge super low. Good luck. Don’t fall over!
Part of me wants to drop this whole trend of sex-as-exercise into the lap of one of my exercise-fanatic friends and say, hey, try these out for me just to confirm that this is at least as ridiculous as it seems on paper. Another part of me wants to flip the script, do an article about how to make exercises at the gym sexual! Our culture is more in need of bringing sexy back than inserting exercise virtue into every goddamn activity. And a lot of gym stuff is already halfway there, with the grunting and the sweating, and the repetitive bouncing and squatting. So what might that article include?
- Add Kegels to EVERYTHING! Try not to get tangled up on the elliptical trainer.
- Plank-Dom(me) mash-up. Hold that pose at least two minutes with your master or mistress sitting on you and spanking your ass.
- Treadmill strut. Don’t set the speed too fast. You’re not trying to cover ground, you’re trying to fill that air space WITH YOUR BOOTY.
See? This way at least makes the gym more fun. In the reverse direction, you’re subtracting joy from sex. Sex tips that encourage you to concentrate more on the look of your core muscles than the feel of your CUNT muscles are, by definition, terrible.
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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: 7 Ways To Be More Intimate With Your Partner (That Have Nothing To Do With The Bedroom)
I can’t resist, y’all. It’s just too damn easy. When the subhead for a sex tips article floats up on Facebook saying ORGASMS GUARANTEED, only two things are guaranteed (and neither of them are orgasms):
- I’m gonna look. Someone has to do the looking, and I don’t want it to be you.
- It’s gonna be crap, probably from that same guy at the … is it him? Yes! It IS, Sean Jameson! He's the BJ instructor who needs a paddlin’ for putting out some of the worst dreck in the history of sex tips.
He’s patronizing as fuck, in language that is so stilted that your brain might cramp! He takes all of the worst clichés in both writing and sex tips, and rolls them into one tedious to-do list (original article here)! And YOU NEED TO DO THEM ALL.
Jameson of course back-pedals on the click-bait promises, hedging his article all around with disclaimer language (positions that “you’ve probably never tried”, or “these may not all work for you”). Let’s take a look and see why these might not work.
- Thigh Tide
It’s something that I can almost guarantee that you've never, ever tried before.
Uh huh. You’re grinding their thigh. I approve of not feeling restricted to penis-in-vadge options, but dry humping is actually pretty common.
Start on your hands and knees with your man on his knees behind you. You will then put your arms backward around your the back of your thighs and pull yourself close to your legs. In this way, you will be making a turtle shape with your body. Perfect for deep penetration.
Wait. What do you do with your head? If "your man" (ick) is fucking you hard for that deep penetration, you need to be bracing back against the thrusting. What are you bracing yourself with? YOUR FUCKING HEAD. That sounds like a very strategic and sensible approach to neck and spinal safety.
Spooning whilst standing, basically, the highlight of which, according to the author, is this: “One thing that can make it both fun and like a workout is standing on your toes while he is thrusting into you.” You know my feelings about even thinking about workout and sex in the same sentence. BOOOO THIS IS NOT A FEATURE.
- Washing Machine
Oh, bent over a washing machine. Because we haven’t had 70 years to figure that out.
Like doggy but DIFFERENT. SO DIFFERENT!
Instead of using your hands and arms to keep you upright, you are going to be resting your chest and head on the bed, while sticking your butt and waist high into the air. The added benefit of this is that your arms won't get tired.
No, but your back will.
Ffft. Cowgirl with a back arch that really needs support from whomever you’re riding. He somehow manages to miss that aspect in his baroque yet strangely unexciting step-by-step instructions for getting into position. SAFETY FIRST, YOU TOSSER.
… lie on your back with your legs in the air. Your man will be kneeling and will then enter you. Next, he needs to start leaning over you. Doing this will push your legs further and further backwards creating a feeling of pressure where you man is right on top of you. Perfect if you enjoy feeling dominated.
Wait, wait, wait. I have so many questions! How wide do you spread your legs? What should he do with his hands? How many years of yoga do you need? What is the largest recommended bra size for this pose before you run the very real risk of being smothered in your own mammary glands? Why is this perfect for feeling dominated? Is it because you will feel trapped by your own tits and his body and the weight of societal expectations around gender and power dynamics? Yeah, that could be it.
- G-Spot Sniper
The G-Spot sniper is great for — you guessed it — hitting your G-spot.
I have big side-eye for any supposedly one-size-fits-all position that involves them "grabbing your thighs"—how small are your thighs?! How large are their hands?!—and hauling you bodily upward so your ass and lower back are off the bed. Said move is probably off the table for many bodies. Also, can we just try to avoid gun-culture metaphors when talking about P-in-V sex?
You'll find that spooning is great for intimate and sensual sex with your man, but it's not particularly good for super fast, rigorous sex.
Hah, no, really? I think it’s best to stay positive when giving sex tips, so here I would say instead, “it’s excellent for sneaky hotel-room sex when your friends are in the next bed over.”
- Hang Loose
Missionary, but right up to the edge of the bed, so that your head is hanging off the end.
It's not the craziest position in the world, but it makes for a really nice change from regular missionary.
Upside-down scenery! Blood-rush to the head! My goodness, that does sound like a delightfully fresh approach!
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Some Terrible Sex Tips cry out for methodical de(con)struction. Others beg for a manifesto in reponse, about the shitty politics or the egregious trend-seeking. And then there are those sex tip articles that deserve the silliest parody I can whip up. This here is one of those articles, and what follows is one of those parodies. Strap on your terry-cloth wristbands and enjoy!
5 Badminton-Inspired Sex Positions That’ll Have You Making a Racket!
There’s something decidedly sexy about badminton! Maybe it’s the name of the object being batted about. Shuttlecock. That’s hot. Sounds like go-go-gadget high-tech dildonics, right? And it’s gonna be badminton time of year soon, isn’t it, with spring and the Summer Olympics and family reunions and all. You’ll be able to just run out and pick up some cheap-jack packaged versions of the game sold at Target, because you’ve forgotten what happens with badminton at family gatherings, that thing when the two-year-old has chewed up and swallowed half of the shuttlecock, and one of the kids starts hitting all the other kids with their racquet, and no one does anything until the racquet connects with some grownup person’s drink. Not sexy! But here we provide you ways to make it sexy again while you watch the Olympic competitors, driving the hell out of all of that sexy sweaty energy happening in your living room. (Might be less sweaty if you turned on the AC, but hey, it’s your living room!)
The Underhand Lift
Cling to the door jamb and have him penetrate you from behind, lifting you up by your ass-cheeks and then dropping you down again. Your grip on the door will give him some extra lift, ‘cuz you don’t want to hurt his feelings about not being strong enough. That kind of core strength is one in a thousand, anyway. Just pull up on the upstroke and let him have his dream.
The Mid-Court Jump Smash
Get yourself two of those plastic milk crates and stand on them naked, bent over and bracing yourself against the wall. His goal is to jump up and land his dick inside you. It’s kind of a one-shot sensation, but wow, so powerful! Of course, bolder couples can aim for the Rear-Court Smash. He’ll love the adventure, and you’ll both be sweating in no time.
This is a nice twist on the standard advice for hand jobs. Definitely use lube, but with the Sidehand Spin, you don’t want to keep your hand on his shaft. Instead, pull your dominant hand away from the action and then bring it back sharply, angling the edge of your palm downward for the landing, like a karate chop. Guys with foreskins will especially appreciate the sudden breathtaking tug.
This saucy move needs a little bit of costuming prep, but don’t worry: you can get what you need at your local dollar store. Buy three or four feather dusters and wedge the handles up under the front of a nice snug garter belt. Straddle him as he’s sitting on the couch and ride him nice and slow, with a swivel action through the hips, giving the feathers lots of play across his belly. Tickle tickle tickle!
Go to a swingers’ club together and find someone nice to play with. (Don’t shout points at each other across the play space. This is poor sportsmanship, and confusing for bystanders. Or byfuckers. Whatever you want to call them.)
Coming Soon: Seven Kinky Moves Inspired by Track & Field Events!
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