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SMUT STAND REPORT: Perth, Australia (Feb 9, 2018)

WHEN: 4 hours (8:30pm-12:30am), Feb 9, 2018. WHERE: Pleasure Garden (Russell Square), Fringe World, Perth. OUTPUT: five full-length pieces, including an awkward first-date piece, a bit of (M-on-F) pussy-eating in a garden shed, and some gritty girl-on-girl action in a shower.

The first commission I got last night was for a guy who was clearly trying to get in the pants of this woman, a friend of a friend whom he had met no more than two hours prior. When the guy saw the stand he ran over like a puppy who just spotted a tennis ball. Except creepier. When he brought the woman over and I started talking with them, and they revealed that they had not yet slept together, I considered calling a halt to the process, because the woman was… less enthusiastic than he was. She liked him, she seemed into him, but wasn’t as excited about the concept of sex, sex, sex at that moment. I asked her a couple of times did she want this, and she shrugged and smiled and said sure, so I went ahead with the interview. The guy wanted it harder core, but I delivered at her level, with a couple layers of swimsuits and something gentle in the sunset. You shouldn't ask for literary butt sex on the first date, dude.

From here on out, I am going to refine and raise my standards for mutual consent, in the case of first dates: they both have to be gagging for it. Anything less than both parties trying to get in each other’s pants at the same time is a no-go.

The next four commissions were MUCH more to my taste, especially the gentleman who ordered a piece for his wife. They have been married 30 YEARS. And their wedding anniversary is on VALENTINE’S DAY. The fact that such a blatant romantic would choose Sidewalk Smut for a present on such an occasion feels like an honor.

Also of note were my final two pieces of the night, both for lesbian couples (not a double date, they were separated by about half an hour). For one couple, they were just so happy that I didn’t assume they weren’t a couple that they were already bouncing with excitement. Clearly I was the right sidewalk pornographer for them!

And both pairs did that thing that I love with couples when I’m explaining the process: they held onto each other’s hands and kinda kept swaying and bumping into each other like, we’re gonna do this, aren’t we, we totally have to do this, omg, but I kinda want to take you behind that storage container right now. Like, they were already clearly in love and in lust, and my presence and the whole process just set the whole chain of pheremones off all over again.

One of the women in one of those couples was a little tipsy, but also very in love. It’s hard to tell between tipsy and love when both are happening at the same time. “That’s us,” she said, over and over again, gazing at her partner after I read their piece out loud to them. “That’s us.”

*****

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