SMUT STAND REPORT: Oct. 11-12, 2014 (New Orleans)
WHEN: 6.5 hours (8:30pm-3am), Oct 11, and 4.5 hours (8:30pm-1am), Oct 12, 2014. WHERE: mural fence next to the Art Market, Frenchmen Street, New Orleans. OUTPUT: 13 custom works and one piece of microsmut over the course of two nights, including a sweet girl-on-top ride with lots of structural reinforcement; two exhibitionist outdoor sex vignettes that DIDN’T involve an alley (and one that did, I’ll be honest, what? alleys are fun!); and my favorite kind of buttsex scene, the kind that has emotional connection underneath.
I’ll be honest, keeping up with the Smut Stand report is a bit of a trick in New Orleans, when I’m out there almost every night, and the shifts are really long (5-6 hours, versus the three-hour sessions I usually put in at festivals), and JEEZUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER, so much shit just keeps HAPPENING and I meet all kinds of amazing people. Each night would be its own goddamn novella, and some nights I’m just too wiped to get on it when I come home, and too tired the next day, and then WHOOOSH, three days have passed. I’m going to try to get better at it, but until then, I just wanted to give a few highlights from this past weekend.
- Another redditor sighted me out there, and he was leading a bachelor party of stone-cold geeks. “OHMIGOD I SAW YOU ON REDDIT, YOU WERE ON REDDIT WEREN’T YOU, GUYS, GUYS, HEY GUYS, THIS WAS THE SMUT LADY ON REDDIT, WE HAVE TO DO THIS. ” Okay, son, it’s okay, I’m available for a consultation. Please chill.
- My last client on Saturday night was a persistent but polite woman with a Southern accent of some sort. She missed her time window twice, kept coming back slightly more drunk than before, and the funny thing was, the more drunk she got, the more she sounded, to my ear, like Dolly Parton. So when we finally got down to the consultation, at 2:30 in the morning, damned if I didn’t mind how late I ended up staying for her, because she was polite and forthcoming and it felt like I was totally talking with Dolly Parton about butt sex.
- A lovely rockabilly couple from Miami swung by and really dug down deep for me. I gave them a face-sitting scene with some pillow-soaking squirt action that they won’t forget anytime soon. In exchange, they shared with me a sex act that I would like to try, with the best name ever. It’s a handjob, with lots of lotion, where the hands are just squeezed down over the cock, one hand at a time, over and over and over and over. The couple called this “The Infinite Vagina.” MIND. BLOWN. Mostly by that perfect name.
- My last client on Sunday night was an out-of-town doctor and the woman he picked up for the night from a strip club somewhere in the French Quarter. During my pitch, I mentioned that I was a phone sex operator; she held up her hand for a high-five and said, “Get it girl! I do cam work and stripping!” Sex worker solidarity, I like it. During the interview, it became clear that they were both dominant types in sex, and exhibitionists as well, so I just put them in a swingers’ club with a brick wall and let them fuck-fight it out.
The clients that made me happiest of all this weekend was the straight married couple from Indiana. They have been together nearly 29 years, after having practically grown up with each other as part of an immigrant community from a former Soviet republic. She wore a big cross around her neck, which made me a little nervous at first, but she came back when she said she would, with a big smile on her slightly sweaty face and her grey-mustachioed husband in tow. THEY WERE AMAZING. From the very beginning of their relationship they have been experimenting: watching porn together, sending dirty care packages to each other during periods of separation, trying different positions. She goes to a sex toy shop once a month and just… picks something out! Unlike 95 percent of my clients, they were able to answer my question about a recent or vivid pleasant sexual discovery! (Prostate stimulation, w00t!) The woman said, “One of my biggest fears is that we’ll get bored with each other.” Feeling a little dazed by how fucking awesome and creative they obviously were together, I looked at her and said, I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.