I haven’t done a Terrible Sex Tips post in dogs’ years, because FB is where I get my inspiration, and since the election the algorithm is pushing international politics more than crappy sex advice. But alas, it is too soon to be writing the obituary for Terrible Sex Tips. That shit is still out there.
Sex toy shops are particularly egregious vectors for spreading Terrible Sex Tips; just last week I saw the same article promoted by three different pages for what I think are otherwise respectable, sex-positive, thoughtful stores. Note to Sex-Toy Shop social media managers: when you see a headline constructed as follows, you will know, with 100% certainty, that the article that follows is not going to be an exciting exploration, because this is HIPSTER SEX.
This whole article hinges on the reader being familiar and probably frustrated with a position that so many people have tried and feel inadequate for not enjoying it. As the hipster sex writer says, the body alignment for 69 is critical: “has to be perfect.” (Remember: in sex, as in life, perfect is the enemy of good.). The solution to this? Quoth the article: check out the next number down, then, the 68.
First let’s get the spatial relationships sorted. To get to the 68, you start with the 69, and then whoever is on top, just rotates over onto their back, so that their back is against the bottom person’s belly, and the receiver’s ass is right up near the giver’s face. With me so far? Yeah, this is terrible. The 68 really does make it impossible for mutual stimulation to happen at the same time, but that’s okay, I never got that out of 69, anyway, so I won’t cavil at that.
The writer describes this position as “lesser-known, but just as erotic.” Lesser known, certainly. Just as erotic? I OBJECT. It is possibly less erotic, which I didn’t think was possible with 69.(I’m not a fan).
Let’s take a look at what this position, on first glance, seems to do: provide more access to one partner’s asshole and between-the-leg bits. However, in this position, the giver will not have good access to their partner’s penis or even balls. If their partner has a vulva and a clit… well, they might as well just unplug them and set them to the side, because there’s gonna be none of that happening with the 68. Even with a pillow up under the giver’s head, as suggested to take the strain off, this position is pretty much for rim jobs.
Don’t get me wrong: I am a fan of rimming. A friend of mine once dubbed me the Ass-Whisperer. But why go to this kind of trouble? If your knees are in shape for it, why not just hunker down for some old-fashioned face-sitting? The receiver (person getting rimmed) will have a lot more flexibility, in terms of what bits they want the other person to pay attention to, the giver will have more room to get their hands up there and spreading things out, and everyone will be able to maneuver more easily.
Also, I need to point out that I thrash my head a lot when I orgasm, and on top of a 68, with my head right there between my partner’s thighs, I would end up head-bangin’ on their sensitive bits A LOT. Ow, ow, ow!
The article goes on to offer some “tips and tricks” for working with the position, and things just get more terrible. For example, the writer suggests that the receiver prop themselves up on their hands and feet, to take some of the weight off of the giver, but I can’t imagine that being sustainable for longer than 2-3 minutes at a time. If you’re a yoga aficionado who feels confident in your ability to hold the bridge pose while someone is eating out your ass, go for it. For most people, the bottom player will simply be pinned underneath.
Or check out this variation: “For an even kinkier version of the 68 sex position, the man can wrap his legs around her neck and pin her down while she lies spread eagle for him.” Wrap his legs around … NO. Breath and neck play is difficult enough to do just with hands. There’s no such generally understood thing as leg-eye coordination or leg fine motor skills, and that’s because they don’t exist and no one has them, except maybe gymnasts or martial artists. But even untrained legs are strong, and you don’t want to use them to be playing around with basically uncontrolled breath play. Nope.
This Terrible Sex Tip is a big, sprawling bundle of Nope.
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