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When I grow old, I will wear tube tops

Mad, mad props to my colleague, Confessions, for a youtube channel that is as entertaining as it is educational. It was there that I found a short film called Phone Sex Grandma. Click on the link, baby. You will be so glad you did.

At first I was like, holy shit, that is one feisty old foulmouthed PSO bitch. And then I looked at the credits, and it looked like Opal Dockery wrote the piece. So I looked her up in IMDB and Opal is even more amazing than that: she’s a former burlesque dancer/stripper, and she and her son have done a series of short films–both documentary and mockumentary, like this one–plus a book about her work. I am in AWE. I’m going to try to get her on my radio show to interview her sometime, but in the meantime, truly, bow down to Opal. I TOTALLY thought she was really doing those calls. There was some speculation on the PSO forum about what company she works for! Wow. If I can get even one-tenth of her authenticity when I “do the calls” in Phone Whore, I will be ecstatic.

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Speaking of the radio show, it’s not on this week, people! I’m going to be out of town until Friday, so y’all should be using this week as a chance to catch up on back episodes of Cameryn Moore, Phone Whore, and I’ll have another all-new episode out for you next Wednesday.

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So I sent in my $4,403.76 and application to the Fringe Tour Lottery today. That may be the most money that has ever passed through my hands at one time, all that on a shot to get my play, Phone Whore, into seven fringe festivals at once. Now, if I don’t win this lottery, all is not lost. I get my entry fees back, and each individual festival will be holding its own lottery, starting with Montreal in December and rolling west, so I apply individually and string together the fringe component of the tour that way as well. But DAMN, I want to get the whole Fringe package settled, all at once. I want it so bad, I can taste it! (It tastes like wind and butterflies and the loganberries they use on the Swedish crepes at IHOP, with a slight aftertaste of nervous bile.)

They’re holding the tour lottery in London, Ontario, on Thursday morning, 10/29, and they’ll let people know on Monday. Aw, man. Why we gotta wait? Believe me, if I win a spot from this lottery, I’m not letting anyone wait. No, I’ll make you wait for 15 minutes while I submerge my head in a bucket of champagne, and then I’m gonna drunk-facebook/dial/blog EVERY-FUCKIN-BODY.

Stay tuned.