I DON’T KNOW DICK: what sex noises do “manly men” make?

noisy sex“I’ve got a twist for you this week,” he said, and I rolled my eyes. The guys who say that have usually been coming to me for long enough that they think I need to be warned about a twist, but they never stop and think that I know their patterns and pacing and hot buttons, and those things have never once changed, not really.

(The ones who really do throw me curveballs? They never bother to warn me, I think because their thinking is curvy enough, or they’ve got so many screens of xhamster open that they don’t realize that their narrative train has jumped the track three times in the past two minutes.)

Anyway. This guy’s fantasy has never wavered in its emotional direction: he likes to watch his sexually conservative wife get properly roistered in all directions, a gang-bang that I (the narrator) have tricked her into, but that she falls into as naturally as if sex were an Olympic sport and she was born a world champion. Standard Stockholm-Syndrome stuff. Sometimes he has to suck cock, in a forced-bi scenario, and sometimes I tell him just to sit in the corner and  watch, but it always starts with her getting royally fucked under my (very) explicit direction.

He told me about the set-up for this week’s special: his wife as first installment for a personal loan that he defaulted on. He’s trying to find her, I welcome him with some kind of knowing comment, I open the door to the back room, goodness, look at Courtney surrounded by all that dick. “I’ve got a twist for you this week,” he said.

Okay, I said.

“You’re a guy, and you’re fucking her.”


“And I really want you to pound her hard, make all of those manly noises.”

You got it. … Wait. What noises?

His call was only seven minutes—as usual, he finished at about the five-minute mark—and I winged it through on grunts instead of squeals, heavy breathing instead of moans, and lots of commentary on how good his wife’s pussy felt around my dick. In most important aspects, it was pretty much a “she-male” call, pitched maybe a third of an octave lower. He got off, thanked me breathlessly; he’s always been good about observing the courtesies.

But afterward, I felt strangely ignorant. I didn’t really understand what manly noises he was talking about. The men that I get with tend to either be stream-of-consciousness talkers or strong-and-silent types. He was referring to something that seemed to be A Thing, that seemed to be his expectation of what a real manly man should sound like in bed. I didn’t learn that. Where did he learn that? Porn, I’m guessing. Oh, god, do I need to watch more mainstream porn? Or sleep with more guys? (One of those prospects fills me with dread, and it’s not the one about sleeping with more guys.)

Why do people make noise during sex anyway? From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s probably either to warn other primates away from the mating site (on the part of the males) or invite other primates in because this lady monkey is HOT RIGHT NOW (females). Maybe? <Scribbles quick note on the “Google later” mental list.> I know what motivates me and my noises; basically, it’s anything that either a) conveys something necessary to my partner or b) magnifies the feelings that I’m having around what’s happening. But I don’t know what a dick feels like, or what a vagina or an asshole feels around my dick. As a pretend male, I don’t know what noises would enhance that.

I may be overthinking this. I mean, my caller got off just fine listening to me. He didn’t have any complaints about the veracity of my male performance. Maybe I don’t need to research this. After all, that’s the first time in nearly six years that I’ve ever received a request to “be a man”; maybe I’ll never get another. If he calls back and asks for the same thing, I’ll just give more of the same: grunting and heavy breathing.

Really, though? I’m thinking. Is that it? Hmph. I like what my guys do better.



I like to make noise not only during, but about sex. And sexuality, and relationships, and theatre, and touring, and sometimes cooking. You can support my joyful noisemaking and writing by becoming my patron over on Patreon! If you’d like to support my theatre work specifically, you can also donate to my 2015 tour expenses (click through the widget below to get the details. Thank you for helping make my work possible!

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