From the Fuckbucket: “having sex in a playground and people start watching?”
Welcome to “From the Fuckbucket,” my newest experiment in blog subseries, in which I respond more fully to anonymous questions depositedÂ in the Fuckbucket atÂ Smut Slams.
When spring rolls around, Smut Slammersâ€™ minds naturally turn to outdoor sex. I was glad to see that even the UK follows the trend, witness the question From the Fuckbucket this week:
â€œWhat are you doing when you are getting it on in a playground and suddenly five people are watching you?â€
If the Fuckbucketeer was just looking for a definitional response, of course the answer is â€œyou are putting on a free show, when possibly you should be charging and/or live-streaming this shit.â€ But I took this question to mean â€œwhat do you do when this situation happens to you,â€ like, an advice-seeking question.
What you do depends on a number of factors. What time of day is it? If night time, feel free to keep going, Just know that this is not a sex club, and there is no dungeon monitor wandering around to make sure that spectators are keeping a safe and respectful distance. (If itâ€™s daytime, you should not be on that playground anyway, and those impressionable youths are rightly confused about who is blocking the climbing bridge. Get out of there before the recess monitor shows up.)
Itâ€™s up to you whether or not you want to overtly acknowledge the presence of witnesses. Smiling and inviting them over seems like an invitation to disaster; you don’t know them! Potential play partners at least warrant the care of a coffee date, in my opinion. And I mean, as fraught with risk as a simple pairing is for sex inÂ a playgroundâ€”splinters! clanging chains! Cold metal oversize bolts digging into someoneâ€™s ass cheeksâ€”I can only imagine the perils multiplying with each additional person thrown into the mix.
Assuming the people watching arenâ€™t cops, which you canâ€™t actually assume, even if they donâ€™t immediately swoop in and bust you (cops are perverts too, probably at a higher rate than the general population)â€¦ anyway, assuming that they arenâ€™t going to bust you, and that you were able to keep going under that sort of spectator pressure, I would opt for ignoring them, really acting like you donâ€™t see them. Let them preserve the illusion that theyâ€™re just innocent bystanders who happened to stumble into such a shocking scene. They have a good story to tell, you donâ€™t have to say bye or shake hands afterwardâ€¦ itâ€™s just a lot easier all around.
Playground sex pro tips:
- Mandatory checkpoint: Seriously, HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT THIS? Think about this, always, for public sex play that is just Out There in the World. In most jurisdictions, you could wind up as a sex offender for public indecency. Hot is hot, and a criminal record is not.
- Check for cameras, and avoid well-lit spaces. Itâ€™s not just the actual eyes you can see that you should be worried about.
- Always bring a jacket, even if itâ€™s 85 degrees outside at midnight. You will want to have something between your ass and a world of splinters.
- Consider the easier sex positions, or just keeping it to dry humping (clothes on, with lots of friction). Not having to adjust your pants leaves you with maximum deniability.
- If you were doing anything required condoms, fucking be a responsible adult and take the used condoms with you. Seriously. Tie a knot in it and put it in your pocket until you get to a bin, otherwise you are the reason that playgrounds get locked up at night, ruining it for the rest of us.
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