FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “he’s the sweetest, smartest, lovingest person, BUT he’s the worst in bed.”

You really like this dude; he is the sweetest, smartest, super good looking, smart, loving person, BUT he’s the worst in bed with a tiny penis. What would you do?

For the record, I want to state that having a small penis is not necessarily a factor in whether someone is good or bad in bed; the converse is also not a given, that is, a large dick is not something that can automatically render acceptable an otherwise appalling waste of a human meat-bag. There are undoubtedly a few people for whom penis size is a make-or-break trait; the rest of us will at least try, and some will succeed in making do with what we got, plus some sex toys.

In other words, the tiny penis is not really the crucial point. Check yourself, dear Fuckbucketeer, about your biases here, because being “the worst in bed” is the real problem.

What you do about it depends on two things:

  • how important sex really is to you, and
  • whether or not you’ve already had a conversation about this

Some people don’t care as much about sex; for the purposes of this discussion, we can leave the asexual people alone. Such a relationship might be sustainable for them (although not if sex is really important to their partner and the partner doesn’t think they are doing anything badly and therefore are unwilling to change anything). But if sex is even moderately important to you, then you will want to do something to change the situation.

In case anyone is sitting there reading this post and thinking, “oh my god, that poor smut slam attendee, what a terrible situation!” please don’t stress. I think this question is a hypothetical one; the writer is not presently in this situation. But the issue of compatibility does come up frequently and it is a tricky one, whether you’re talking about who is doing a lot of work in bed or how to put the forks in the dishwasher the “right way.” (Handles down, tines up, in case you were wondering.)

If you should ever find yourself in a situation like this, just know that you are going to have to use your words. You may decide to initiate a conversation or series of conversations, outside of the bedroom, about what you want in sex and how he could help you get that. There are even ways that you can communicate your needs better during sex, but it all comes down to the question: how much time do you want to invest in this? Sometimes—many times?—people don’t change. You have to decide for yourself when, if ever, you stop trying and get out.

Whatever else you do, please don’t write off your wanting better sex as “oh, it’s not that big of a deal.” It is that big of a deal. And don’t feel silly or shallow if it turns out that you end the relationship over whatever the issue. However perfect this person may be in all other respects, and however awesome they appear to outside people—people who are not you—you are the one who is going to have to live with this person. If an issue is important to you, then any irreconcilable differences there will eventually overshadow all the other great things about that person.

My short advice: figure out how much further time and energy you want to put into sharing your concerns with your partner. Set a limit, and if you reach it and nothing has changed for the better, leave.


Advice from a former Phone Whore? Perfect! Support my work, both on the stage and on the page, by becoming a patron of mine on Patreon!

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