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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “10 Kinds of Sex to Have This Summer”

So, I’m starting to pay closer attention to the sex-tip stuff coming across my Facebook feed—for your sakes, my darlings, it’s all for you—and two main questions have arisen in my mind:

1. WHY do the same sex tips keep circulating? I mean the ones that are seemingly designed to make you feel like a boring person. It’s not like there are any direct product placements in these articles, so the answer must be that editors know women will read these things. WHY. Why do we persist in wanting to read things that make us feel bad? What is that even about?
2. WHY IS BUSTLE.COM SO FUCKING TERRIBLE? Since I started saving links on FB and perusing them later, only then seeing how awful they are, Bustle.com has risen to the top—or sunk to the bottom—in terms of producing really terrible sex tips and floating them out there. Bustle.com is named after a 20-pound undergarment that last reigned supreme in the late 1800s. Except perhaps in the highly specific worlds of cosplay and burlesque, there is no reclaiming happening of bustles. I should have guessed that their sex tips would be equally out of synch, but I am surprised by how much they own that terrible market.

ANYWAY.

I can’t object to all of the “types” of summer sex that this article recommends, like “camping sex”—though I’m not an outdoorsy type, I can see the appeal for people who are—or the various kinds of public sex (amusement parks or water parks). But those last two are just summer-type places in which one can have public sex, so putting down both feels like padding the list. We could get up to an even dozen on the list if we added “county fair sex” (stuffed animals and corn dogs and mustard for lube) and “folk festival sex” (BANJOS, BABY). But other items in this article suggest that the author really hasn’t done all of the necessary field-testing.

“Ocean sex” Salt water in the cooch is not as wet and wild as you might imagine. If you’re a person with a vadge and you’re going to fool around in salt water, keep your swim suits on over the parts they’re supposed to cover and stick with non-penetrative sex, e.g. suits-on humping.

“Post-Day Drinking Sex” Uh-huh. You’re going to be drunk and dehydrated, and probably full of questionable picnic food or rooftop grill items. If I fall into bed after an afternoon of debauchery I will be going right the fuck to sleep. My recommendation? Skip the drinking and head straight for the siesta: a quickie and then an afternoon nap with the fan oscillating at the foot of the bed and a big glass of iced tea (lots of ice!) on the nightstand. You can get up and shower when the sun goes down.

“Beach Sex” Okay, depending on the beach, this may not be yet another subcategory of public sex. However… sand goes EVERYWHERE. Really it does. It’ll already be up in your junk without any sex going on, you don’t need to encourage it. Stick to suggestive sunblock application and kisses with your mouth full of watermelon. And sand. There will be sand in there, too. Bring water and wet wipes.

“It’s-Too-Hot-For-Underwear-So-Wherever-You-Want-It Sex” This writer is living in a fantasy land. I know, because I write about that land all the time when I’m pounding out Sidewalk Smut with a public element. “Wherever you want it,” hah! ALL the normal rules of public sex still apply. (NOTE TO SELF: see if that article has been written yet.) This author says the summer feels way too hot for her to both putting on undergarments. Fuck, the hotter it is, the more I need support for tits and cooling fabric between my thighs! If someone wants to get up in you, they will find a way to get around whatever bits of underwear you have on.

Aaaaaand…. “Firework sex.” It had to be in this article, but the writer went for the stupid wordplay and entirely missed the point. This is not a real-life pun, a visual echo of your own private bang. No, no, no, see: what fireworks give you is a chance to get busy while everyone else is distracted. If you are, um, “watching” close to the launch site, you want to be decently hidden by shrubbery or what-not—when the fireworks flare, they will light up everything on the ground—but other than that, most people’s eyes will be glued to the skies. Just remember that most firework displays don’t actually last that long, maybe five or ten minutes, max, so act fast.

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Remember me fondly when you are getting busy this summer! You can thank me for my efforts in debunking Terrible Sex Tips by becoming a patron of mine over on Patreon.