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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “THE 10 SEXIEST THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO A NAKED WOMAN”

Any woman–doesn’t matter which one—will be that much wetter, hornier, jump-your-bones-ier if you say one of these things.

A cringe-y number of sex tip articles have this sort of premise at their foundation. In fact, let’s just name it right now: this is the Vending Machine view of sex, an implied guarantee that if you pop the right amount of the right thing—words, foot rubs, sexy chocolate, understanding head nods—into your lover, you will get the thing you want.

I understand why men’s magazines promote this: women’s sexuality is supposed to be OH SO MYSTERIOUS, what do they want, and how do I give this to them in a way that gets me what I want? Sex tips can be highly educational, but for straight relationships especially, they end up being a shortcut. The Vending Machine approach is calculating, it’s dehumanizing, and it perpetuates all the weird stereotypes about What Women Want.

“Female pleasure is narcissistic,” says one person quoted in this piece. “Hearing her name makes her feel special.” That’s not just women! Most people of every gender like to hear their name; there is nothing pathological about that!

There’s a whole bunch in this article that suggests that every woman’s brain has a special little row of emotionally needy hot buttons—labeled things like “love” and “need” and “you”—that you can just tap to “trigger” women. Given how “trigger” is generally used in psychological discussions, usually around trauma, or at the very least in a behavior-modification way, perhaps a sex-tip article is not a place to start reclaiming this as a positive concept in sexy times.

But Women as Vending Machine, right? There’s some mechanism in there that just needs to get the right hit of pseudo-love words to release the floodgates. You can make her think she’s special and loved, even if she’s really not.

This article also includes a couple of TOP-DRAWER payout words included here that give you double the rewards!

WET. Tell her she’s so wet, says the writer. Even if she’s not wet yet, telling her that she is will get her there. If you’re in a hurry to dip your dick in, and you can’t be bothered with all that foreplay, don’t worry: that little word is gonna pop her cork!

And the most potentially problematic: TIGHT. “Every woman wants to feel like she’s virgin-esque to her man,” Lorraine explains. “It’s assurance that she’s making her man feel good and he’s aroused.”

Yes! Get you a woman who has all the sexual know-how somehow instinctually, because you also want a woman who feels like a teenager or a tightly gripped masturbation aid on the inside, because vadges all feel the same when unused. You want her to reassure that her cunt doesn’t feel sloppy and stretched out from all of that sex she’s had.

(“Tight” needs to fuck off as a sexual compliment, is what I’m saying. You can say it another way: “we fit perfectly” or “that feels so good” or “I love how sometimes when you do that little twitch it feels like your pussy is grabbing at me.” Whatever. Be specific. But “tight” unfortunately may be permanently on the side-eye list, thanks to the current state of our slut-shaming society.)

There is something important to be noted here: YES, it is important to say things that you like or love or need. This is awesome, in or out of bed. Expressing your specific desire for the specific person in front of you IS the sexiest goddamn thing you can say to anyone.

Spend some time in conversation, finding out what those desires are, sharing them, and watching that person react to what you say. If they squirm and blush, or laugh, or close their eyes suddenly, or lean into you, congratulations: you may have found one of their hot-button words. Those words are specific to them. Finding them takes time, with individuals, and that is fantastic. Take that time.

Any sex tips offering you a quick, easy list? Those are going to be terrible, if not the actual word “triggers,” definitely the philosophy underneath. Such a list may save you time, but it’s depriving you of depth and discovery. By giving you that “she’ll get HOT” guarantee, they are leading you away from authentic sexual exploration with a partner toward a turn-key, push-button, formulaic engagement.

Clink, clink.

It may not even work. But if you don’t like what comes out of the sex vending machine at the end, it’s the machine at fault, not you.

Sounds terrible to me.

*****

I’m trying to make the world a sexually and socially better place, through my writing, Smut Slams, and my theatre/performance projects. If you think that’s important too, consider becoming a patron of mine on Patreon! Starting Feb 1, this is going to a monthly donation model, where you get to set a monthly amount you throw into the pot. If you’ve got the cha-ching and you want to make a difference in how well my work gets out there, Patreon is a great way!