TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “The Full-Body Orgasm You’ve Never Heard Of”
“You can’t tell, but both of these buff men are on a platform… THAT I AM HOLDING UP WITH MY INCREDIBLY STRONG VAGINA.”
I walk a very fine line with doing this Terrible Sex Tips series. Because on the one hand I am passionate, if not actually obsessed, about people getting in touch with what they themselves really want to do or feel in sex, instead of relying on articles that keep them ever grasping at sex goals—ew, that phrase, I’ll come up with a better one, but you know what I mean—that are impractical, impossible (for them), or otherwise out of reach.
On the other hand, yes, most of us need to be pushed a little. It’s easy to get in a rut with rutting, but… my point is, please slap me if I EVER come off in interviews or in my own writings like I am setting myself above the reader, looking down at their pathetic attempts at a sex life. Because that is a douche attitude, and it triggers my sex-tip radar something terrible.
Today I wanted to share with you a piece from the Fount of Terrible Sex Tips, Cosmopolitan, as they interview a sex and intimacy expert about cervical orgasms.
First of all, the title. “The full-body orgasm you’ve never heard of.” This is straight-up hipster language. This is sex as offbeat fashion statement. This is a thing DESIGNED FOR QUICK OBSOLESCENCE. If you’ve never heard of it, it must be good, until everyone else has heard of it, at which point the media machine will be on to the next trendy titillation and you and “the most powerful orgasm of your life” are just boring.
“How does it feel different from other orgasms? 
A clitoral orgasm has a definitive build, a clear climax with pelvic contractions, and then a feeling of descent. It’s similar to a penile orgasm.”
Sooo-o-o-o-o-o linear. YAWN.
The cervical orgasm, on the other hand, goes everywhere. And it goes on forever, dude, not like the clitoral orgasm which is over before your pussy juice is even dry on your fingers.
Seriously, why do so many articles these days tout cervical/vaginal/deep orgasms like they’re so much more superior, when women have had to work so hard to figure out the clitoral orgasm? These articles feel regressive, and I can’t figure out why, because they’re meant to be empowering. Except for the most part these “deep orgasms” depend on someone else to give you that orgasm, and that’s great if you can set that up, but if you can’t or don’t want to, it shouldn’t feel like a judgment or pity party about your relationship status.
Luckily for us, the sex and intimacy coach interviewed for this article believes that every woman can have cervical orgasms. You have to warm up properly, because a lot of women shy away from sexual contact with the cervix. “It can feel painful at first touch,” she says, NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Many people with vadges are still barely comfortable with cotton specimen swabs up that deep, let alone the head of a dick. The solution, she says? Go slow in opening and relaxing the cervix.
“Because it’s such an intense and vulnerable experience, it’s not likely to happen during casual sex or if you aren’t feeling close to your partner. You have to be in a place where you feel very open, safe and relaxed.”
Yeah, so all that slutty sex-weasel sex you’re having out there, all that casual boinking—no judgment, obvs!—that’s fine if you’re okay with, you know, settling for just a linear, conventional, clitoral orgasm, but it’s not going to give you that big, juicy full-body orgasm. Which you really want by now, don’t you?
You know what else gets in the way of cervical orgasm? A weak pussy! Yep. She says it repeatedly: Most vaginas are very weak. On her own web site, she lays out how she defines a strong vagina: can you shoot ping pong balls out of your vagina? Can you keep your partner from coming or get him to come by just articulating your vaginal muscles? If not, then you have a WEAK VAGINA. That’s just a floppy, ineffective meat pocket down there. How are you even getting people coming back for a second round, with a vagina that weak? Vaginal weight lifting is the solution here, but you don’t want to over-train: “A woman in one of my classes used one, and her partner had to tell her to stop because she was getting too tight.” That’s right, ladies, make it tight for your partner, but not too tight! It’s all about what feels good for them!
And if you still can’t have a cervical orgasm after all of that? Your relationship is probably just sucky.
“If you are feeling open emotionally to yourself and to your partner, [cervical orgasms] are much more likely to happen. If you had a fight that morning that you haven’t sorted out, or you are going through a rough patch in your relationship, that will show up in bed. And it will block these deeper orgasms.”
It’s your fucking fault, that your fucking is faulty.
Let me reiterate: I am all in favor of digging deep, and trying for new sensations, believe me! We don’t have a lot of exposure in our culture to different paths toward pleasure, we just don’t. Also, there are documented benefits, sexual health and otherwise, for working on kegels. But please, can we put a stop to the condescension and the dismissal of clitoral pleasure as inadequate and kinda pathetic, oh, and the fucking never-ending competition for Most Likely to Shoot One’s Toes through the Drywall during Sex. Can we find other ways of being encouraging without trying to make certain kinds of sex, well… on trend?
Otherwise, whatever you write or talk about, however legit the actual techniques may be for some people… your Sex Tips are just Terrible.
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