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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “10 Seduction Tips that will have him BEGGING for you”

I can't lick my lips anymore, this lipstick tastes terrible, god, just come over here already!

I can't lick my lips anymore, this lipstick tastes terrible, god, just come over here already!

I think I may have accidentally discovered a nemesis. See, there are certain online channels that routinely offer some pretty fucking awful sex tips, and when I started keeping an eye on the authors… oh, shit. This same guy keeps coming up. HE KEEPS COMING UP, AND I WANT TO FIND HIM AND TIE HIM DOWN IN A NON-SEXY WAY AND TELL HIM TO STOP.

He isn't usually going after the sexual positions. His stock-in-trade is dirty talk <eye roll> and what I would call the "soft" sex tips, things that aren't about sex per se, but getting people to have sex, or foreplay, stuff like that. Oh, sure, his web site is promoting his oral sex instructional videos—can someone buy me access to those, so I can see whether those are terrible, too?—but mostly it's soft-core, "how to get him hot" material.

Like this piece. This stuff is straight-up pick-up artist (PUA) territory, for the ladies. I heard about the concept of "escalating kino" a few years back, and while this article isn't as bad as that, it's right there on the same spectrum: consciously using physicality in an attempt to artificially accelerate intimacy. IT'S GROSS.

1. Show some skin.

"If your guy's at all into you, glimpses of your stomach, shoulders and back will drive him wild."

So, you know, wear a tank top and be reaching up for things all the time. Oh, but "be classy about it, of course." You do not want to be a desperate slut about this, please.

2. Flirt.

In an article about seduction tips, this is practically a tautology. How to flirt? Flirt. The author says flirting is "easy for most." Totally, I mean, why do you find it hard to flirt, you clod? Everyone else knows how to do it. Laugh at what he says, lean over and let your tits spill out over the top of that tank top, but not, like, all the way over, that's just crude. If that's working, pull out some innuendo—that's what she said!—and pull him over into a dark corner for making out. That's flirting in a nutshell, right there.

3. Feed him with your hands.

This can be hot, when you're already intimate with someone, when you can pop a bit of fruit into someone's mouth and they take your finger in along with the fruit and then they're all sucking on it and doing things with their tongue and… uh… sorry, where was I? Oh. Right. Sharing food. Totally sexy! But I recommend saving it for when you are already far enough along that both people know you want it, both the food and the sex. Otherwise, you're putting food out there and it's just hanging out there, like a forkful of rapidly cooling lasagna. AWKWARD.

4. Make eye contact.

I read somewhere recently about practicing eye contact by looking in the mirror (if I can find the link, I will add it). That makes sense. If you can just get used to making and breaking eye contact, even with yourself, that's a good start. This, this head-tilting and under-lash-looking, are just moves, along with other ones, like "look at his eyes and then look at his mouth" or "flutter your eyelashes and smile." These are things that many of us automatically do when we are eyeballing someone we find attractive. But if you don't already do that? Well, studied face choreography, for anyone who is not a very skilled actor, is just going to look like choreography. All you're going to get for your pains is "what's wrong with your eyes?"

5. Touch him.

"Touching is another tip that you must not overuse. Too much, and you risk making your love interest think you’re handsy or have boundary issues. But some well-placed caresses can do the trick nicely, especially if the guy doesn’t yet know you’re interested."

Right. Because it is less awkward to get all up into someone's space, to touch their back or their neck OR THEIR LIPS, JEEZUS CHRIST, I CANNOT IMAGINE TOUCHING SOMEONE'S LIPS WHO IS NOT ALREADY MY LOVER, than to just say, "Hey, I'm interested."

6. Move slowly.

"Even if you do have somewhere to go, take the time to move slowly and present a relaxed front. Swing your hips from side to side, let you arms move naturally at your side, and avoid jerky movements of your head and neck. When you’re relaxed and sinuous, you look ready for anything … including those things you’d most like to do with him. He’ll definitely notice."

Can we just get below surface appearances for a moment? If you are rushing everywhere and you feel like that's affecting the way you relate to people, maybe you could try, I don't know, walking meditation or taking more strolls by yourself and practicing conscious awareness. This might be helpful, not only for moving more easily around other people, but also getting more grounded and comfortable with yourself and your surroundings. Worrying about your body movements specifically to affect someone else, like the face choreography (above), is a sure-fire way to feel even more awkward. And anyway, not everyone is drawn to a sinuous, jungle she-cat. Some people might find that a little terrifying!

7. Whisper.

"Nothing helps your seduction like taking it down a notch. Your voice, that is. Whispers encourage intimacy because your romantic interest has to lean forward to catch what you say."

Better yet, mouth the words. Just, all the time. Make him really work for it.

8. Smile cheekily.

"Confidence is sexy, plain and simple. If you’re trying to light a fire in your guy, a coy or mischievous smile tells him you know exactly what you’re doing."

But don't go too far into knowing territory; you will wind up with an unbecoming smirk! Add the cheeky smile to your seduction-exercise regimen, along with looking under your eyelashes and slow, snake-like movements of the neck and hips.

9. Talk dirty.

"Even if you haven’t yet done the deed, a few well-chosen dirty phrases or innuendos can make it clear you’d like to without being gross or over the top. While you want him to know you’re interested, you don’t want him to think you’d do this with just anyone."

God, no, you whore. Keep it classy.

10. Run your fingers through your hair.

"Slightly messy hair can make you look like you just got out of the horizontal position. Wear your hair loose, whether it's long or short. Let it get wild when you’re walking or when there’s a breeze. Never pass up a chance to walk in front of a fan."

Ah, yes. The classic "bedhead" approach. Bonus points if you leave some clingy, white hair product around the bangs and sides. It makes you look like someone just came on your face. "That should have been me!" his subconscious will say. "She is obviously the kind of girl who is DTF. Damn, maybe I should make my move."

Sigh.

Here's the thing about this article, and most seduction tips: they are 180 degrees away from the idea of 1) Using Your Words and 2) Getting Comfortable in Your Own Skin. They presuppose that we cannot trust our bodies, or learn to trust them, to express what we are feeling, that Saying Something is terrifying and therefore must be avoided at all costs, and frankly, that anyone we want to get with is going to respond the same way to any of these signals that the author lays out.

What's terrible here is part of what is so problematic about male PUA: the idea that you can treat anyone the same way and get a guaranteed result. It dehumanizes the objects of our desire, strips away from them any quirks or individuality or magic fucking chemistry. And it reinforces the idea that we ourselves, with our own idiosyncrasies and fashion sense and way of moving, we are not attractive. Who we are, at our core, will never be right.

That's a pretty fucking terrible principle to be operating from.

*****

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