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QUANTIFYING PHONE SEX: The Spooge Throw

I had a caller who liked to talk about how far he shot his load; he claimed his record was 15 feet, which he knew was accurate because (he said) he stood in the same place every time and marked the distances with masking tape.

Of course he asked me how his distances compared with those of other men I had slept with. One time I said to him, “I don’t know, there’s usually a condom or my tits in the way.” Most of the time I gave him what he wanted: “Not as far as you do.” But I never told him actual range of distances, because I didn’t know them until I looked them up. (See the awesome infographic below!)

My caller wasn’t after a real range of measurements, anyway. He was obviously making a bid for power here, equating ejaculation distance with masculine force, even though it’s not like more forceful ejaculate is going to push the sperm harder and faster up into the fallopian tubes to get a head start on the whole fertilization thing. It’s just a thing, with a range of experiences, but our society tells men to be bigger, better, faster, stronger, farther…

Money shots in porn get into this yardstick approach to sexual prowess, too, and I watch in bemusement. Because that’s not where the excitement is for me, in real life. In real life, I like watching my lover’s face get all red and squeezed up, his eyes roll back in his head or stare fiercely at me, the muscles in his neck or chest get tight. I’m listening for a certain guttural rattle in his moan that tells me that he has hit his core. I’m waiting to pick up whatever cum with my tongue, whether that’s just licking my chin or having him scrape a splatter off my thigh and spoon it into my mouth. I’m NOT standing by with masking tape, waiting to mark the farthest-flung wet spot.

Yes, I know, this is why ACTING. This is why I’m getting paid: their kink is not my kink, I just have to act as though it is. I’m just glad that I can find many of my kinks in my face-to-face life. I like make-believe as much as the next kinkster, but there’s nothing like hands-on, five-senses immersion in the experience…

** The only thing missing from this graph is the final distance of one of my favorite phrases to use for a really hard cum: “shooting holes in the dry wall.” Now, I’m no liquid ballistics expert, but… cum would have to be traveling fast for that. At that speed, with no dry wall in front of it, how far would cum travel before landing? Exercise left for the reader…