The Phone Whore’s All-New Search-Term Review (and Advice Column)

training bra

I feel humiliated just looking at this thing.

Every now and then I like to look down at the stats page here and check out the search terms. In other words, how are people finding me via the Internet?

Most people find this site the normal way, or at least in a way that I find flattering—oh, look, they remembered my name!—they are searching for my name or some mangled version of one of my show titles. There are a whole bunch of encrypted_search_terms, which is a result, I think, of new privacy options for Google search; it just means I’ve got a load of searchers who don’t want anyone to easily know what they were looking for. But below that is all the good stuff. Here I dug in to the last three months. Really, I’m just curious, but maybe I’ll be able to answer some of the questions that led them here!

Mother and daughter porn. This and variations are heading up the list, with 29 searches winding up here for that. Hahaha, SORRY GUYS.

Interestingly, the Big Black Cock hits have dropped considerably since the last time I did one of these search-term reviews. There are three for that specific phase, two for “watching my wife getting fucked by big b”, which I have to assume would continue as black cock, and just got truncated (a shame for anything having to do with BBC). And then one more for “what to do with a big black cockz”, which may be incorrect on two different levels, but that’s okay. I understand the question, and the answer is, obviously, FETISHIZE THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

With three hits for “how to throw cum in far distance”, and one apiece for “spooge throwing” and “sex olympic moderation cumshot”, I see my infographic from earlier this year, about how far can a male actually jizz, got some little bit of attention. Having had the privilege of measuring at the Montreal masturbate-a-thon power cum competition back in May, I can answer that one, too. For best distance in cum, either a) be a woman who can squirt hard or b) AIM UPWARD, DUH. Most of the guys that were going for distance at the Masturbate-a-thon apparently forgot that they were intending to try for distance and just squeezed the whole thing downward. In general, aim past or over your target, not at it.

“humiliation bra”, a new-to-me search phrase, got one hit. Sounds uncomfortable, or at least embarrassing! I Googled it myself, just to see what they might have been going for, and yep, it’s mostly sissy or slut humiliation erotica. Huh. Well, guys, when you’re looking for a humiliation bra, it’s important to know just what it is you want to be humiliated for. If you want to be humiliated for knowing what you’re doing with female undergarments, get a very very small cup size—one that fits your man-boobs—and don’t let the straps show too obviously. If you want to be humiliated for wearing a bra at all, get something with lace and make sure that the fabric of your shirt is quite thin.

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